Being a gentleman or not interested??

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2006
Being a gentleman or not interested??
3
Mon, 03-05-2007 - 1:50pm

I've been dating this guy for a few weeks. I posted about him before, and the saga continues. The thing is, he calls me just to talk and see how I'm doing. He always seems happy to see me. He tells me I'm sexy and pretty, but that's it. No physical contact at all, other than hugs. And the hugs are mostly friendly/sister-brother type hugs. No hand holding. No kissing. Nothing. We talk about nothing intimate.

I'm thinking he just wants to be friends. Respect is great, but sometimes you just have to *hit or get off the pot, ya know?? I'd be fine without the physical contact if he at least opened up to me a little more. Instead we talk mostly about the weather and on-the-surface "safe" stuff. And he does have a lot of girl friends, so this could be totally normal for him. And although I like him a lot, I'd be totally okay with just being friends. He's a great guy and I'd like to have him in my life regardless. Besides, I'm not so far in that I can't pull myself out now and maintain a friendship.

My question is, how do I ask him what his intentions are? I imagine something like me saying "um, so you want to be my boyfriend or are you only interested in being friends." Ugh. Lame. Does anyone have any better ways to go about this?

BTW - me kissing him and making the move is so not an option at this point. OMG - what if he only wants to be friends and then I would mess THAT up!! How embarrassing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2005
Mon, 03-05-2007 - 4:09pm

It always amazes me that women always say they want a "nice guy" and when they find one, they don't know what to do with him.

I'll take him. Every man I date is only interested in sex.

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Mon, 03-05-2007 - 5:35pm

How do you know him? Do you know any of his friends? If you do, perhaps you could be sneaky and fish around in order to find some answers. Does he talk about other women? Do you talk about other men? If it were me, I'd be interested to see how he reacted to my having a date with someone else. Of course, it could back fire and turn him off to the point that he loses interest, if there was any to begin with . . .

Hmmm.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2006
Mon, 03-05-2007 - 11:12pm

Hmmm, you say you are "dating this guy", but I don't call it dating unless there is some level of interest beyond a platonic friendship level. The next time you make plans to hang out, you could try to work this into the conversation, "hey, so does this qualify as a date? My friends are teasing me about you, and I don't know what to tell them." This is more or less true, we're your friends on this forum. Or, you could tweak the plans, to make them more romantic and tell him something like, "ya, let's go to this great cute/romantic/charming restaurant for dessert after the movie; it would be a great romantic way to end the night, don't you think?" Obviously there are other similar lines you could tailor to your situation. Only you would know best what would work most naturally for you. I hope this helps. Good luck!

P.S. I had the opposite problem...this guy wanted to date me or so it seemed, and we kept talking on the phone after having met once within a group setting. I finally figured out that I was not interested in him and that he was still married (yuck!), so I talked to him about this and finally just told him at least twice, "I just wanted to be clear," after telling him that I would prefer to be just friends. He tried to pretend then a week later that he was only interested in being friends, but...whatever....I was not interested in the end, but had a hard time conveying this without being presumptious. The fact that he was still married did it all for me! I hope this makes some sense, but I don't think I am explaining this well, sorry.