Being introverted and lonely

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2008
Being introverted and lonely
Sat, 09-08-2012 - 9:53pm

Wouldn't you think that with all the other introverted singles out there besides me, some genius should "discover" this huge gold mine???

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2008
Sun, 09-09-2012 - 11:33pm
I'm a shy extrovert, if there is such a thing. I'm happiest when I'm out and with a lot of people, but it's hard for me to make friends and get to the point where I'm comfortable around new people. That is why online dating has been both a blessing and a curse. It gets me out there, but I rarely get more than one date because I'm so nervous when we meet that I screw it up. I talk too much, and sometimes drink too much to calm the nerves and just get through that first date. I also tend to gravitate toward extroverts. I guess if I dated an introvert I wouldn't be so nervous, or if I was he would at least understand. But then, once I get comfortable and turn into my extroverted self we may have issues. Ugh. I will be single forever :/
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2008
Sun, 09-09-2012 - 10:18pm

I find Floridagirl's post very enlightening.  I am an introvert, but people who meet me think that I am an extrovert.  This did not come easliy to me, it really gelled for me in my 40s. I am comfortable with all demographics, and rarely get nervous around anyone anymore.

The fact is that I love people, but need a LOT of downtime. I am really independent, and one of my biggest fears is that a man will demand that I give up too much of myself to serve him.  I see this with way too many women.  I don't think I'd want to be with anyone 24/7, no matter how much I loved him.

I do think that there is a lid for every pot, as I have seen so many people with unusual habits/personalities/quirks that find someone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Sun, 09-09-2012 - 6:17pm
Everyone I've dated since I divorced my first husband 8 years ago I met online. I don't think I'd have been dating at all otherwise. There were a few times here and there thag I was chatted up by a stranger and asked for my number, but I hate having conversations with strangers and refuse to give someone I have just met minutes ago my phone number.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2008
Sun, 09-09-2012 - 5:59pm

The way I see it, the biggest barrier we introverted singles face is, there's no catalyst for us.

The singles scene is saturated with bar groups and club groups, but we introverts find bars boring... so we stay home.

It's kind a waste, too, because an introvert is probably more likely to be a better hugger and least likely to cheat on you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Sun, 09-09-2012 - 5:54pm
I'm very introverted socially. My H is even more so. The first few dates were kind of excruciating, and we did a lot of our initial communication by email and text because it was just easier. We get along really well though, and it's never been any kind of issue.
Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Sun, 09-09-2012 - 10:21am

Everyone falls somewhere on the continuum between introversion and extroversion, so you can't really group all introverts together. I am an introvert, but closer to the middle than to full-on introversion. Introversion is very misunderstood in our culture. But introverts need people just as much as extroverts do. One big difference is that introverts need alone time to recharge their batteries, and extroverts get energy from being with other people. This doesn't mean that introverts want to be alone for long periods if time: I know I don't. An introvert also generally seeks out a few, deep friendships; extroverts like lots of acquaintences and often will refer to an acquaintence as a friend, even if their relationship is on the more superficial side. Nothing wrong with either approach--they're just different.

I will say that introverts often need to learn to fake extroversion in some situations: I think it helps put other people at ease. This is not to say an introvert should continuously fake extroversion...they couldn't do it anyway. 

Interestingly, there was a book written recently about introversion entitled "Quiet." It's quite good.

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Sun, 09-09-2012 - 9:51am

Marty, I think of this often.  If I stop into a roadside gas station in the middle of nowhere, sometimes there'll be a group of farmers sharing a cup of coffee together.  Most of them are much older but sometimes, there's a couple of younger ones peppered into the mix.  I will wonder what they do in their spare time, what their hobbies are or,  do they even have the time for hobbies?  If I drive into a small town, I'll wonder the same about it's inhabitants.  I figure the only way they are meeting people are either at church or on the internet, possibly the local watering hole. 

This is sappy and a little overly dramatic but I think of Father Mckenzie and Eleanor Rigby.  Where do they all come from?  More importantly, where are they going and who'll be there at the end? 

You would think that social networking would have solved this and perhaps it has to a certain extent.  However, I still bump into a lot of lonely people, or so they seem.  Perhaps I'm projecting too much!  Which is highly possible given my over active imagination!  

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 09-08-2012 - 11:57pm

Do you think it's easy for 2 introverted people to get along or does there need to be one person who needs to bring the introverted person more out of their shell?  I was thinking of this because I went to a dance tonight & a friend of mine was there--he's not really introverted, but I'd say a little shy.  If I initiate a conversaton, he'll respond but he doesn't start up much conversation himself.  I find that kind of tedious--I like someone who holds up his part.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Sat, 09-08-2012 - 10:14pm
I thought introverted people are very content to be alone and do not need people.

That is how I see some quiet people. They never reach out to friends. I am the one always initiating contact with an introverted friend.