Is being married really this boring?

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Is being married really this boring?
14
Mon, 05-05-2003 - 10:59pm
I've been noticing a pattern lately. Go tells me that I need to talk about myself/reveal more to others. So I'm trying. The only real social time I have is lunch....and this is how it goes.

I sit down. Teacher A already has everyone else engaged in conversation about her baby or house. Those are the ONLY things that ever get talked about at lunch! Teacher B also likes to talk about her kids as well- their sicknesses, their bathroom habits, etc. When teacher A and B leave, I have a total of two minutes with teacher C, in which time she talks about her kids as well! Occasionally, the counselor will talk about her grandbaby. Go, I've tried...I've REALLY tried to get myself in the conversation, to talk about my life more. I simply CAN'T!! Teacher A always dominates the conversation! Don't get me wrong, she's a nice girl, but geeeez, she never shuts up!

So, I'm wondering...after you get married, are babies and houses all there is to talk about?

Please, please, I hope I never get that way!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-05-2003 - 11:22pm
When I taught, I found the same topics of conversations in the teacher's lunchroom - it's just part of teaching life. I do find a number of my married friends focus on house renovations, etc but I also have married friends - one in particular - who discusses travel, art, movies, my life, her life, etc - all sorts of things. She has cats, but no kids. I adore her! She is unusual however - very independent.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-06-2003 - 12:00pm
Being married is no different than being single - except quite often "worse" in many regards and aspects.

If you review what you think is negative or bad about singlehood, and take with that what expectations and assumptions you have for marriage as a union...you'll realize that rarely does marriage fix the negative of "singlehood".

Marriage doesn't give you someone to talk with...maybe at or to...unless you're fundamentally compatible at an emotional and intellectual level.

Marriage doesn't give you someone to share chores, duties and responsibilites with....unless your partner prioritizes equality in the division of "work" in the relationship and defines work in the same way. Otherwise, you simply gett more tasks, duties, obligations and responsibilities to fulfill. More clothes to wash, fold, dry and put away, more dishes to dry, more meals to cook.

quite often, if "marriage" doesn't provide you an equality based partner with some added dimension to your previous single life....the answer to many is "have kids!".

At least with kids, you're not unrealistically expecting them to share the burden, the load and the responsibility...and by doing all those things at least for some brief period of time - you're given the reward of your child's adoration and acceptance and love. Till they're about 10 or 12...then it changes entirely.

But the life, the interests, the values and teh goals that you had prior to marriage....are what constitute your individuality. They're "who you are" - it's the life and lifestyle you created to meet your own needs appropriately, to expand your horizons and fulfill your potential as an individual. None of that is meant to be lost or relegated to the closet with "marriage/kids/houses/retirement funds".

But often if you haven't created a complete and full life - where not only are you taking care of the responsibilities in life so that you meet your own requirements and needs financially, materially, and professionally and socially...but so that you're complete at the emotional level and are happy, successful, and secure as emotional status quos that pervade your life....you believe that marriage, family, kids, and possessions will do it. And you proceed to seek them as if they're goals and prizes....only to find really they're not anything but lots of work, responsibility, obligation and duty because you didn't "bond with the mate, the family, the childen in an appropriate way" - you simply looked to them to complete you.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-06-2003 - 12:43pm
Good conversationalists will look for body language and encouraging words to continue on a subject. They see subtleties that will give them cues to change the subject. Very few ppl possess this skill ;-)

Everyone at my work is married or living with their partner. They never talk about houses or kids. Art guy brings his kids to work...but thats besides the point :) They go on and on about WORK. Climate change, pollution, even social justice issues. Makes me feel like the world is falling apart sometimes.

It was so bad at one point, that we were in a strategic planning session and the facilitator said "I am sick and tired of suburban residents using our roads and facilities!" and they all started ranting...until I put my hand and said, "I am a suburban resident".

They taught me a value lesson about our industry. We live and breath our work - but we cannot forget that ppl outside - the ones we are trying to reach - DON'T. I have learned to read the signals - when my point is made and its time to go on. I ask questions and lead...if they want to know, they will ask. I'll find myself deep in a subject and say...but I'll leave it here b/c I don't want your eyes to glaze over on me...

Hopefully, these women have taught you a lesson about when you are married with kids ;-) And maybe you should try opening up to ppl at the club or groups you belong to? Or your friends? Don't give up b/c teachers are boring...LOL...

Good luck, Go.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 05-06-2003 - 3:46pm
Get this: I went to lunch today thinking "we are NOT talking about houses!" I get there, and Teacher A is again dominating the conversation. They were talking about financing and banks and blah blah blah. So then someone mentions this tax that anyone who works or lives in KC has to pay. Teacher C didn't know about it, but I did b/c K had a run in with the IRS while I was dating him about it. So, I think HERE it is! My chance to enter the conversation! My chance to move it to SOMETHING...ANYTHING else! I start...I get in a sentence--maybe-- before teacher A actually interupts me!!! I was TICKED! So, I try again. No luck. I get interrupted again. At this point, I finished my two bites of lunch and left. I was honestly about in tears. Being interrupted just makes me feel so insignificant. I know that sounds silly, but it does.

I got over it, but now I'm just wondering what the point of eating lunch with them is. I could eat in my room and get some work done instead of leaving feeling like that everyday.

I'm glad to know that all married people are not that boring. I just wish the ones I know weren't. And, yes, I definitely will never be like that!


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-06-2003 - 4:22pm
I have terrible habit of interrupting ppl...and they just say "I was talking" or "you are interrupting me" and I apologize and let them continue. You need to stand up for yourself! If you are ready to give up anyway, what do you have to lose?

If at first you don't succeed...

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 05-06-2003 - 4:47pm
I don't want to be rude. I do a really good job of stopping my students from interrupting, but I really don't want to start a conflict with a coworker. I know how awful that can be.

I don't talk an awful lot anyway, so when I get a word in, it's usually worthwhile and well thought out. It irritates me that my thought isn't recognized.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-06-2003 - 4:58pm
Interrupting ppl is rude! Saying "uh, I'm not finished" is NOT rude...especially if you say it in a hey, I wanna finish this thought way...eventually the others may jump in and "defend" you by saying "I want hear this"...
Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 05-06-2003 - 5:34pm
Ugh. I'm just so bad at that kinda stuff. I figure if I was interrupted, whatever I had to say must not have been all that interesting. I don't have a problem with people I know well, or if I'm in the middle of a story or something. I can speak up then. But, if I just have a short little something to add to the conversation, I usually don't say anything cause it seems a little anti-climactic. I mean, if I only have a few words left, why make a stink about it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-06-2003 - 5:54pm
it's a lot easier to get your point in when its a message board, huh? ;-)

if you're not finished your point, then its not rude to say so (as long as your point isn't too long)...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-06-2003 - 6:21pm
Umm...let's point something out here. If any of them were disinterested in the topic - they'd have been attempting via some tactic the same goal as you - to change the subject. They weren't.

It's imperative to understand something......not trying to be rude because this is more of a general statement that hopefully others will read and put into other situations...but when you don't share the same 'lifestyle' as the people you're with at the moment - the interests and priorities are very likely not similar, either.

In choosing to be with them.....it's not that you can't get "your topic introduced" but realize if you're fighting an entire group that has the same interest/problem/issue - you're unlikely to get that topic well received.

I'll use myself as an example...I talk about sports alot in the examples I give - becuase sports has shown me many lessons in life I refused to learn in other venues where I didn't "care" about the priorities at hand at that moment. But what I don't talk about here on these boards - is training and racing and my particular training adn racing. That'd be considered rude, boring, bragadocious, or irrelevant. And I wouldn't try to make that a focal point in any post, and really- I do try to find something other than sports to use as examples. Particularly if when I mention sports - the poster I'm addressing seems "offendedd or intimidated" regarding that forum.

So, you're sitting with a group of married women with kids who have the same"problems" - how to make time to have sex between the sick children, that chicken costs $3.86 a pound cut up and they haven't got time to buy uncut with their other obligations, a great deal of "marital conversation" is actually "business conversation" - have we got enough to pay our bills, my car needs an inspection can you do it? my brakes are bad and I need to drive you to work and take your car tomorrow, our annual taxes need prepration, please call your payroll dept and get that W2!

All this stuff...as a single person (which is one thing I love about singlehood!) is that it requires no discussion! The brakes are bad - I call the shop and get a ride to and from work - one request, easily made and met by a neighbor or friend. End of story. Don't own a house, don't have to buy insurance, pay taxes.....don't have to get the W2's from a spouse to file, don't have to "ask" or review a budget regarding "can I afford to compete in Spain if I make the national team this year".

It's me...it's all about me, and my interests, my goals, my pursuits. and yes, it requires all my attention to detail without someone as a safety net or sounding board - unless I seek out advice or assistance. Which is why the older you are and you're single...the harder cohabitation is to adjust to. Not meant to frighten anybody - but it's a fact. YOu're used to doing things your way...and there's a comfort zone in things being done "your way". But..let's not digress.

So, you're over here trying to introduce an "interesting to you" topic in a room full of people with the same priorities, concerns, and issues...it's just unlikely to happen. If you brought up something exciting or thrilling...yes, you might create enough attention wti the distraction to get the topic at least briefly skimmed.

But trying to introduce your interests and your pursuits, your priorities and your goals...to people who share their own sets of priorities, pursuits, goals, and issues -is just not likely to happen.

A percentage of them are thinking "boy, being single she hasn't got all the complications and problems I've got".....a few of them are thinking "Poor Shy, nobody to turn to or rely on in a tight spot"...and a few of them are thinking "man, I wish I was her."

But...none of them actually live in the lifestyle you're in...and so it's hard to have similar interests, topics, and priorities.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com



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