Being overwieght and dating?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
Being overwieght and dating?
13
Thu, 09-04-2003 - 8:56am
Hello im twenty years old and im a chubby girl, im not unattractive i take very well care of myself but my problem is if you're thin you typically know who is in your league. Now days guys who are chubby hvae no interest in chubby women and i have confidence but in the dating area its barely there. Im clueless cause i know well if you hit on a guy and he rejects he wasnt worth it anyways yeah butim sorry its still a blow to the ego and self esteem over all so exactly how do you know who is in your league and i just need some tips any advice on this subject at all would be appreciated

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-04-2003 - 10:51am
Where I live (NYC) it is very difficult to be an overweight woman and date - it is unfair, but true. Many of my friends have had great and lasting success with weight watchers (and exercise of course) and that is what I suggest you do now, at your age so you can create lifetime habits that will keep you at a reasonable weight for you. I have dated overweight men but my issue is health - I want someone who's going to be around for many years and overweight of course is a cause of heart disease, etc. What I would not do is ever lie about your weight if you are being set up or you do internet dating - that is the number one complaint I have heard among the many men I know when it comes to blind dating.

I know I am supposed to say that it doesn't matter and that a man should like you for how beautiful you are on the inside - yes, that is true - but reality is sometimes a little different and if you can make things easier for yourself, and become healthier at the same time, why not give it your best shot?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2003
Thu, 09-04-2003 - 11:18am
Having done the personal ads before and after the 140-lb weight loss--all I can say is, the only difference the weight loss made was that it expanded the dating pool somewhat. Not by much, but b/c I was considered more "normal" and therefore "acceptable," I got more "nibbles" after than I did before.

What motivated me wasn't dating, but health. I was 300+ lbs when I learned I was diabetic, so when I changed my eating habits, the weight just fell off. Of course it also meant discipline, but doing so also meant I regulated the condition w/diet and exercise and NO medication--and 7 yrs after the diagnosis, I still don't require medication.

I know that's not very encouraging, but I also know you CAN date right now; it's just that your pool of interested men will be smaller. But don't EVER lie about your size; I'd always say I was "large and lovely" when I either posted or answered an ad. I'd also not reply to any ads who were size-specific (asked for HWP, or for definite weight restrictions).

Good luck!

Ash

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-04-2003 - 1:58pm
Welcome to the board :)

I think that where you live plays a factor. I've gone to California a few times and I wouldn't want to be overweight there!! LOL. But here, its more about attitude. I have lots of overweight gfs who have NO problem dating. They are confident, friendly, outgoing women who think "if you don't like the way I look, then don't look!"

Beauty & attractiveness have alot to do with attitude. I spent 30 yrs of my life thinking I was a fat, ugly duckling. And that is how ppl responded to me...reinforcing my own projections. Now that I realize I am NOT fat - I look back at photos and I can't find ANY where I was "fat"...so part of it is a state of mind.

Good luck and hope you stick around!

Go.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Thu, 09-04-2003 - 3:30pm
So. You are chubby and full of questions??? Join the club! You see here's the thing. I used to be chubby, then got thin...then during my relationship I got chubby again. While I was thin...I met who I thought was a great guy. He wasn't. He was an ass...and he wasn't bad looking. So I slowly came to the realisation that looks are just not everything. Sure..there must be some chemistry in any relationship. But the key is to find the guy that takes the time to look past the exterior and focus on the interior. I myself am still waiting to find mine..but I am chubby and hopeful. I know enough good people that I have faith in the fact that one day..when I am not looking...the right guy will come along. Keep your chin up....so the guys can see you beautiful eyes! Good Luck!
Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Thu, 09-04-2003 - 6:47pm
Welcome to the board! Unfortunately, this is an issue in dating these days, and I don't think it's going to go away. I have battled with my weight my whole life. The smallest I've ever been was a size 7. That was my senior year in high school, and I wasn't eating much (I'd guess 700 calories a day, if that) and wasn't sleeping much. I danced at least an hour a day and worked in fast food which required me to move ALL the time. I felt AWFUL during that year. I also felt really FAT. I was surrounded by girls who didn't have breasts or hips and were a size 2/4.

Now I'm older and went through the freshman AND sophomore 15. I yo-yo-ed up and down all through college. When I graduated college, I was a size 14 and still felt fat. My first year teaching, I became incredibly depressed and gained about 20 more pounds. I felt awful then too. I'm sure it showed.

Now, I've lost those last 20 pounds (finally!) and am working on about 30 more. I will never be that size 7 again, I'm sure, and some people will always regard me as fat. You know what? Those people have NO idea what the struggle is like. A size 10 is nothing to be ashamed about.

Yes, you are going to find people who will shun you because you're soft. It is a huge ego blow, but when you get your self esteem from YOU, and not from others, it won't matter. What really matters is how you feel about yourself. Lots of people probably say I'm fat, but I've never felt better about myself and my body. I know what I have to offer, and a little extra fat doesn't change that a bit.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
Thu, 09-04-2003 - 7:15pm
i mean ive lost wieght i went from a size 24 to a 16 since may because i was diagnosed with ADD and they gave me adderall. thats not even with exersize, so losing wieght is already in progress, i live in the midwest and the guys aruond here want whats not so common which are thin girls who are shallow, i live in Southern IL 30 minutes from st.louis not much of a selection even the ugly guys get good lookin girls all they have to offer around here are hicks.. im a smart girl with a good head on her shoulders and a good personality to boot. Men i will never understand them
Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sat, 09-06-2003 - 4:39pm
Well, I also live in the midwest, but I think it's easier here than it would be in NY or LA or someplace larger. Don't dismiss the "hicks", either. I am originally from a small town, and there are a lot of wrangler wearin', big truck drivin' men there who are as sweet as can be and who aren't so shallow as to dismiss a girl simply because she won't look perfect on his arm. That's how small towns are, though, from what I understand. Just because a guy is a hick doesn't mean he isn't smart or successful. It's just a way of life, as far as I'm concerned- just like living in the city is.

Just keep your eyes open and confidence high.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
Sun, 09-07-2003 - 7:09pm
no no no im fine with country boys,small town boys actually id prefer one im talking about like from the movie " a time to kill" redneck hicks ignorant men
Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 09-08-2003 - 8:54pm
I know the guys you mean, but ignorant men can be found anywhere in any type of town or city. I think the media just stereotypes the "hicks" that way because that's what sells.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2003
Mon, 09-08-2003 - 10:33pm
I feel ya! I live in New York which is full of women of nearly every shape and size imaginable and I grew up in a suburb of New York which was full of girls who were tiny and petite. I have never been tiny or petite and I thought that that was the reason no man was ever interested. I think now though, that it was that I was attracted to the guys who I knew weren't interested. It's safer that way. You can't possibly get hurt if you know it's never going to happen. Lately, I've lost some weight, gone into therapy and although I still don't have a man, I'm finding that I'm a lot better at flirting. And flirting is sort of like practice. I'm still not petite, but I am finding, even if I can't land a boyfriend, I can at least make men think twice before dismissing me.

I hate to say it's all about attitude, and I'm not sure it really is. But part of it is putting yourself out there without worrying yourself to death. If you can have fun so can others. I'm just hoping one day one of those others looks twice.

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