Being Single sux!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Being Single sux!
8
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 5:42pm
Ok..I have been single for about a year...I had a rough last relationship and I have major trust issues and honestly dont think I'm gonna get over it. I have nice guys that want to date me but I constantly go for the bad boy. I feel like its cause I know that it will never amount to anything and I dont have to invest much into it. Specifically this is in regards to one particular bad boy and it has been going on for about 9 months w/ zero committment on his part. I continue to be at his beckon call w/ nothing in return from him. Its frustrating but I cant seem to stop. When I get those 2 am calls..why cant I just say no? I did for about 2 months and it felt good to tell him no ,but then I saw him out one night and poof..I'm right back into it...its so frustrating to me and my friends. I'm tired of hearing " you deserve better" I know this but obviously I dont feel that. He never calls me and I totally have control of seeing him or not seeing him but I'm not sure why I cant let it go. I am talking to one guy who is the "nice guy" and he would treat me great...calls when he says and wants to see me ( prior to bars closing) and likes haging out w/ me, but I find myself scared to committ to that. I'm not sure why I keep " bad boy " around..he brings nothing to my life. Is it me trying to do what women like to do...change him? Ugh! I find myself lying about seing him and not telling my friends..which isnt good. Such a mess!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2005
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 6:20pm
I used to do things like that too hon. In hindsight it was because I wasn't ready for a relationship...my subconcious knew it, I just hadn't figured it out yet. You have to take some time and step back. You already know that this isn't healthy, so stop doing it. Easier said than done, I know. But I learned the hard way that I'd rather be alone and happy than to be the 'backup plan' of someone who's really not worth my time.
Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 6:57pm

The truth is you say yes because you want to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 8:08pm

Speaking out of a bit of experience, I think it has a lot to do with wanting what you can't have. An obvious but seemingly often true scenario.

Personally, I love the chase. As soon as a guy is crazy about me I look at him, see a bigger challenge and tend to move on. I almost seem to subconciously want to be the backup plan so that I have to fight for the affection. That's just me, of course, but it seems like a common problem. Here's to me hoping it gets better with age :D.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 01-18-2006 - 1:21pm
Thanks to everyone who responded..
I know all of these things and I just need to let him go..but its hard b/c I DO like him more than the original booty call that i thought was ok w/ me, But now I want more from him and I'm not really seeing that happen. I think I'm scared of committing to a " nice guy" b/c at least w/ the "bad boy" I know what to expect and what he is willing to give me. I am comfotable w/ him since its been about 8 months or so so its just easier to continue..and I know thats not healthy. We do have fun and hang out more than the occasional booty call now but its still NOT good enough and all the hanging out is my effort to get togther. I think I'm being naive and making excuses for his lack of committment, but I do that best...lol. I KNOW all the things I need to do yet its SO hard- I'll get there though.
Just thanks for eveyone who put in a comment..I appreciate it! :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Wed, 01-18-2006 - 4:11pm

>>We do have fun and hang out more than the occasional booty call now but its still NOT good enough and all the hanging out is my effort to get togther.<<

In my experience (and I've done the booty call kind of relationship as well), you will never be open to a relationship with someone else as long as you are hung up on someone who is unavailable to you. My advice is to take a good long break from this guy - no calls, no "dates."

Although it might be hard to let go of any connection with this guy because you like him, it will be much better for you in the long run. Then, you'll be more able to have a relationship with someone who is committed and who does treat you well - one of those proverbial "nice guys."

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2005
Wed, 01-18-2006 - 10:37pm
I was in one of the those situations and decided I wanted a more serious relationship. "S" and I had a very open relationship where we could talk about anything so I told him I wanted a real b/f and I was giving him 1st choice, so to speak. He thanked me but declined. I started to date other people as did he and lo and behold he did come back over a year later but it was too late. I met my exhusband 3 weeks before "S" contacted me again. The important thing is I let him know my expectations had changed and if he wanted to see me in the future I wasn't going to settle for a booty call anymore. And then I let it go. I don't know if this helps you or not but good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2005
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 10:20am

you call that "single"? I want to be your kind of single... at least then maybe I'll be getting some! :p

Good luck to you - looks like you've received alot of good advice! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2005
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 9:19pm

I'm in a similar situation at the moment and moving on is hard...Wouldn't it be nice if you could flip a switch and turn off feelings sometimes?
I had the talk with my "buddy" and we decided it was best to end what we were doing before someone (me) got hurt...then we hooked up the next two weekends? What's up with that? I know it's my bad but I so enjoy being with him...enter the switch ; ) Also, I'm a single mom so I'm pretty busy during the week so I reason with myself that what we do works for the most part. Get to have some quality adult time and not deal with some of the bull**** my married pals deal with. Although I do want a full time partner.
Haven't seen him in a few weeks now so I'm hoping the seperation will help the situation and we both can move on. Find the guy for me and he can do his own thing.

Good luck to all of us single gals!