Being a single woman

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2005
Being a single woman
28
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 10:14am

Do you think there is a certain age that women reach when them being single becomes an issue? I feel like in my family I might be looked at as strange or something because I've basically been single for 3 years. I was with my ex for 4 years, 3 years ago he divorced me...it took a year before we were finally divorced. Stupidly i got into a rebound relationship that i basically kept a secret...and my cousins/aunts/uncles, etc dont know that i was ever married

I have tried to have relationships with people...i chose the wrong people. My rebound was a long distance RL, the next guy was an alcoholic, the last guy was 5 years younger then me (I'm 28) Since then i've tried online dating, been on a lot of dates and pretty much everyone i've gone out with, i havent liked. I'm thinking OLD isnt for me...i like to meet someone face to face for the first time, that way there's that whole in person screening process.

I know it must sound like my past (the past few years) has been sketchy...i suppose it has. But it's not things that people know about off the bat...i'd have to tell them. On the surface, I think i seem ok. I have a good job, I'm in grad school, i have a great family/friends, i fully support myself, I'm told i'm pretty and I stay in shape. Sometimes i have to wonder...why is this so hard? I see so many people my own age meeting people and getting into relationships...things never go smoothly for me in that dept. I feel like it must be me. I am very recently over my ex, but part of me wonders, will i ever be over the divorce completely? It's been three years since we ended our relationship!

Yesterday at a brunch one of my aunts who i dont see very often asked in front of a group of people if i was dating anyone. I said no. I know she didnt mean any harm...but i was thinking ok, she didnt ask me about my job, didnt ask me about school...she just asked if i was dating anyone...in front of a group of people. I guess I am sort of self conscious about being single...if i was 21-25, it wouldnt be a big deal...but i have been made to feel like at 28 that it is time to find someone...I cant....it's just not happening for me so i've sort of let it go...i dont know if it will ever happen. I have tried to meet men, it hasnt worked out with them ):

Thanks for reading, i know this is long...but sometimes i feel so along...i never feel lonely...just like the odd 'woman' out due to the fact that i'm single and not getting any younger. Is 28 old to be single still?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2006
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 10:33am
Don't be so down on yourself. There are plenty of women here on these boards who are alot older than you are who can't even get a date. Imagine how they feel?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 10:50am
No 28 is not old at all. I have never been married and I'm 31 and have been single on and off for several years. It's just harder in general to find someone these days that you click with. I decided never to settle for someone who just didn't feel like they were a right match for me because this is someone you are supposed to spend the rest of your life with, that is no small thing. Take your time with dating and figuring out more about yourself and what you do and don't want in a relationship and try your best not to worry because there are several others that are older than you are, never been married and dating. I think most people allow outside forces to affect them with seeing others married and coupled up and that makes you feel more like you want to find someone but focus on what YOU really feel and want deep down inside and what makes you happy regardless of outside factors.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2006
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 12:30pm
I know how you feel. I'm 26 and single. I feel like the odd one out all the time! At work everyone is a lot older than me and everyone I mean everyone is married. I went to the office holiday party this weekend by myself and everyone had dates! It's not just at work either in my social life most of my friends are in serious relationships. It is really hard on me. I also appear normal; I have been told that I'm pretty and I have a great job as a scientist (brains and beauty, I should be such a catch!) Hang in there, one day you will find the right man for you (and hopefully I will too =-).
Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 12:54pm

I am 34 and have not been in a relationship in several years. I visited my parent's church after about five years of being away and a girl came up who was in the youth group with me in high school. She's now married and has a little girl. Here this girl had not seen me in half a decade and the only thing she can think of asking me was, "When in the world are you getting married!?!?!" I was so stunned. I don't even think I answered her.

I guess people who are driven by relationships and family life can't imagine life being any other way. I don't mean that in a bad way. I just think that in some parts of the country, women expect to graduate from college, get married and start nesting. That for them, IS life. In my opinion, some people are probably intrigued by women who are nearing 30 or over and don't appear to be too concerned with settling down. You have to remember, some people cannot fathom being alone. Maybe the questions are more about fascination than nosiness. Look at George Clooney. All interviewers ever ask the guy is, who are you dating, when are you getting married, why have you sworn off marriage?

As far as your ex, I don't know that one ever gets over a true love. I've dated quite a bit in the years past but I have only truly been in love once. I saw myself marrying him. He was the one. We were soul mates. I don't think I will ever completely get over him. I'm not delirious, I know we'll never be together again, will probably never even see each other or speak again but he'll always have a special place in my heart. I think that's just a part of being deeply in love with someone.

Good luck to you. I hope you are able to find what you are looking for.




Edited 12/11/2006 2:59 pm ET by bbw_26
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 1:38pm
I do think there are several women out there who measure their worth by whether they are married or not therefore they tend to be too hasty in picking a partner regardless of whether that person is the right fit or not, but unfortunately either end up living a life of feigned happiness or end up getting a divorce. This isn't the life for me. Even though I'm one to want very much to be married and have children I wasn't about to do it at the expense of my happiness and have always wanted to wait for that right one. Although I think family is very important to me and I see myself being a really good mom, marriage and children just hasn't happened for me yet and I have to accept this. I'm pretty sure and have a really good feeling that I"m with the one for me right now but that's never a guarantee either from past experience and hearing other people's stories. I have heard of people (including you bbw) that have met their soulmates and are no longer with that person even though they loved them truley and deeply. So even when you think you have found the one, sometimes life throws you for a loop all of a sudden. So even when I"m thinking I've found the one after 2 months of dating, who knows if we'll still be together a month from now, 2 months, 1 yr, etc etc. You can't plan for things like this. At least from my experience relationships are dynamic and ever changing.
So for you 20 somethings out there, you still are young and have your whole life ahead of you, don't measure your worth by whether you have someone in your life or not right now. I know it gets frustrating to see everyone around you married and with someone, I know how that is but you don't know their story and if they are truley happily married or just faking it. Wouldn't you rather be alone than living a life of trying to fake your happiness. I don't know about you, but I would have an ulcer and have serious insomnia if I were faking happiness that long. My body always "physically" tells me when I'm with the wrong one each and every time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 4:50pm

I'm 33 most of the time my family is never like this. One time at a family wedding my cousin had just had a baby and my father said let me hold him this may be the closest I ever get to my own grandchild. I know he didn't mean anything by it but it really hurt my feelings in fact I had to excuse myself from the table and go to the bathroom and have a little cry because I really want to have a baby, I couldn't care less about a boyfriend, or husband but having a child is very important to me so for him to say that hurt me deeply, I'm sure when he said it he did not remotely mean to hurt me, he's just not like that but he's the kind of open mouth insert foot kind of guy not getting that what he's saying could hurt me. I didn't say anything until later to my mother.

I'm very thankful I don't get pressure from anyone in my family at all in regards to dating, in fact nobody asks me if I am seeing anyone or anything. But even when I was I just am a pretty private person I don't like to bring boyfriends around my family anyhow unless we are very serious so it's not like I would bring just anyone around, the only person they ever met was my exhusband.

Smile,

Deirdre

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2006
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 9:33am

LOL! Oh, to be 28 and single! Try being 39 (40 in 6 months) and single! LOL!

I have never been married (been engaged once, years ago) -- and I'm finding it harder and harder to meet good men.

I am lucky enough to have alot of friends who support me on my down days... Thank God for them!

I don't know how else to meet a good man -- I've done OLD for a loong time and although I've met some nice men, the connection didn't last. I think I need to give it a break.
My friends, and strangers even, tell me that they cannot believe that I'm single and never married... I'm considered very attractive and fit -- I'm financially secure with a great career, I own my own condo --- I don't get it.

So, my 2007 resolution is to just take care of ME --- and if I'm meant to be alone for life, then so be it!

You have plenty of time!!!! Take time for YOU and go travel with some friends and see the world.. that is another thing I have done --

Best,
C

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 10:14am
I'm assuming you meant to post this to the OP because I'm not 28.

Smile,

Deirdre

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2006
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 10:23am
OP? I meant to post to the thread... sorry if I posted wrong.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 11:02am
yup, 28 is still young. I think the OP was 26 though and that's even younger but I guess it's all relative to us 30 somethings lol. Not that I'm too much older than 28 but still I look at that as young now.

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