Being a single woman

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2005
Being a single woman
28
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 10:14am

Do you think there is a certain age that women reach when them being single becomes an issue? I feel like in my family I might be looked at as strange or something because I've basically been single for 3 years. I was with my ex for 4 years, 3 years ago he divorced me...it took a year before we were finally divorced. Stupidly i got into a rebound relationship that i basically kept a secret...and my cousins/aunts/uncles, etc dont know that i was ever married

I have tried to have relationships with people...i chose the wrong people. My rebound was a long distance RL, the next guy was an alcoholic, the last guy was 5 years younger then me (I'm 28) Since then i've tried online dating, been on a lot of dates and pretty much everyone i've gone out with, i havent liked. I'm thinking OLD isnt for me...i like to meet someone face to face for the first time, that way there's that whole in person screening process.

I know it must sound like my past (the past few years) has been sketchy...i suppose it has. But it's not things that people know about off the bat...i'd have to tell them. On the surface, I think i seem ok. I have a good job, I'm in grad school, i have a great family/friends, i fully support myself, I'm told i'm pretty and I stay in shape. Sometimes i have to wonder...why is this so hard? I see so many people my own age meeting people and getting into relationships...things never go smoothly for me in that dept. I feel like it must be me. I am very recently over my ex, but part of me wonders, will i ever be over the divorce completely? It's been three years since we ended our relationship!

Yesterday at a brunch one of my aunts who i dont see very often asked in front of a group of people if i was dating anyone. I said no. I know she didnt mean any harm...but i was thinking ok, she didnt ask me about my job, didnt ask me about school...she just asked if i was dating anyone...in front of a group of people. I guess I am sort of self conscious about being single...if i was 21-25, it wouldnt be a big deal...but i have been made to feel like at 28 that it is time to find someone...I cant....it's just not happening for me so i've sort of let it go...i dont know if it will ever happen. I have tried to meet men, it hasnt worked out with them ):

Thanks for reading, i know this is long...but sometimes i feel so along...i never feel lonely...just like the odd 'woman' out due to the fact that i'm single and not getting any younger. Is 28 old to be single still?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 11:30am
Don't feel bad, it's okay. I just turned 23 and about 3/4 of my graduating class already had kids and/or been married. People think I'm weird because I have chosen to stay away from both for the next 5-10 yrs while I get situated in the Navy. People will try to make you feel inferior to them no matter what you do, thats how the world works. They are insecure so to try to make themselves feel better they feel the need to bring up the fact that you are 28 and single. Ususally when someone stops looking is when it just happens so stop trying so hard and relax!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 5:57pm

I too feel the state of union is the norm rather than an abberance. So wanting to be in a RS is perfectly normal. It's not a luxury, not a sign of weakness, and definately not abnormal. I too have wanted to be in a RS for the longest time (try 10 years) and at this time pretty much hopeless about it all. For the past 10 yrs my desire waxes and wanes but over all, it has not gone away. It can't go away. Suppressing it only works for a short time. It's gotten to the point where I just don't want to watch almost all romantic movies (w/ the exception of very few), or movies about happily married people having children. I would go through crying spells and I'm going through one now. Sometimes on the verge of tears when I see a happy couple. I'm from a culture where that is highly valued and at gatherings, espcially reminded of the fact that I'm still unpaired.

I've desensitized myself to V day, diamond rings, and that sort of things so that's progress. I have a great education, a great career but I think the common link is the emotional emptiness. I don't have much emotional connection with my family although they care about me. I have a couple of friends to talk to. Off and on I find things to do to distract me but overall that baseline desire is always there and does not go away.

I see the value of trying to do the best with your situation b/c you can't put your life on hold while waiting b/c it may never happen but God, wouldn't it be nice if it would just happen.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2005
Thu, 12-14-2006 - 1:06pm

I don't think being single becomes an issue at a certain age, unless it's an issue for the person who is single!

I think it seems like a lot of women in their mid to late 20's are getting married and having babies. Of course when you're still single you feel like the odd ball out, even if you're completely happy with being single. I also believe that older individuals, such as our parents & grandparents who got married 'young' feel a it 'against the norm' to wait, even though it's more and more common.

I'm fortunate that my parents don't pressure me to get married or to ever have kids, it makes it much easier. I try and keep a few witty comebacks on hand for those people who ask me if I'm married. It's very funny, lots of aquaintenances think I'm married - and I don't wear ANY rings.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2006
Thu, 12-14-2006 - 4:37pm

I hear that, and I agree with what you've said! Sometimes you don't even need people making comments--I manage to put enough pressure on myself about finding someone without anyone's help. And to add to the silliness, I'm just 24!

I don't think it would matter so much to me if I didn't feel like I stuck out. In my extended family, all of my cousins (those who are over 18 anyway) are either engaged or married and are now having babies! I'm working on my master's, though, and my family's been amazing enough to encourage that--I don't think they'd want to see me married if it meant giving up an opportunity like this! Still, sometimes it feels like the pressure is there, but that's from myself.

I'm FINALLY coming to the conclusion that a relationship and eventually marriage isn't an end. I know that's common knowledge, but I was only looking at getting a relationship as an end state, a goal, something that I could check off of a list. And there's so much more to it than that--life doesn't stop, and it's never perfect! And I should have thought of this all along, but sometimes, when you want something badly enough, you overlook it. But I want the challenges along with the good stuff, and this is just one of many that I think will help me grow.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2005
Thu, 12-14-2006 - 4:56pm
It's so funny to hear you say 'an end' because for the longest time I felt that way as well. Marriage was this goal, like a finish line for me - and that once I crossed that I would have accomplished everything I wanted to. I'm 24 as well and at some point in the last 6 mos. I started seeing marriage as the beginning of a different kind of life. Just like a new career is the beginning of something different, so is marriage. After several bad jobs/careers you start getting really smart about what you want and need until you find one that fits you perfectly and you know you're going to be there for a very long time. I think the same goes for marriage...so I'm embracing my single status and gaining as much from it as I possibly can so that I'm prepared for the next step, whenever that comes!
Avatar for filiasan
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-29-2004
Fri, 12-15-2006 - 1:28am
Well that doesn't sound like what I would say. I'm 29 years old but I think I still have plenty of time to do whatever. Plenty of time to mess up. Of course I do know that women are generally mature, tend to act their age or older. But I have a young soul. I'm actually looking forward to being single when I'm 30. Now that 30 is the new young, I can somehow restart my life as if I were 22. Sometimes relationships just get in the way of growth.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
Sat, 12-16-2006 - 3:18am
i am 31 and i am still single
at least you have had relationships
i have never been on a date
or had a bf
or been in a relationship
i feel there is no hope for me at all
i am unattractive
and unfortunately its all about looks
personality never gets a chance
becuase looks is where its won or lost
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 8:48am

I'm 28 and still single, so don't feel bad!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2006
Mon, 12-25-2006 - 3:12pm

Hey grrlie,

my PERSONAL opinion... is FORGET what any/every1 thinks what "age" is proper to be single and just follow what you HEART tells yoU. Who cares about standards and expectations if your NOT with or was in the relationship, at least, now you know you are more healthier being single, than staying and tolerating someone whom you are not compatible with in the first degree. ((i hope that made sense??)) Just a random opion. Good Luck!

random iVillager, eReader_k007 "Life's a triOp. Tie your shoelAces"
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2005
Tue, 12-26-2006 - 12:48am
You sound awesome! But I've come to realize recently that it doesn't seem to matter how attractive, successful, all-around together a woman (or a man) is. It seems like it's just like flat-out luck! I mean, I know some really great women- beautiful, smart, fun, and kind- and they have problems finding a lasting relationship, too. I've given up on trying to figure it out. I haven't given up on finding love, but I just don't think that it happens to everyone, like I used to when I was younger. On the flip side of the coin, I also know some not-very attractive women, INMHO, who have found lasting love. What the hell? Sigh..