Being a single woman

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2005
Being a single woman
28
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 10:14am

Do you think there is a certain age that women reach when them being single becomes an issue? I feel like in my family I might be looked at as strange or something because I've basically been single for 3 years. I was with my ex for 4 years, 3 years ago he divorced me...it took a year before we were finally divorced. Stupidly i got into a rebound relationship that i basically kept a secret...and my cousins/aunts/uncles, etc dont know that i was ever married

I have tried to have relationships with people...i chose the wrong people. My rebound was a long distance RL, the next guy was an alcoholic, the last guy was 5 years younger then me (I'm 28) Since then i've tried online dating, been on a lot of dates and pretty much everyone i've gone out with, i havent liked. I'm thinking OLD isnt for me...i like to meet someone face to face for the first time, that way there's that whole in person screening process.

I know it must sound like my past (the past few years) has been sketchy...i suppose it has. But it's not things that people know about off the bat...i'd have to tell them. On the surface, I think i seem ok. I have a good job, I'm in grad school, i have a great family/friends, i fully support myself, I'm told i'm pretty and I stay in shape. Sometimes i have to wonder...why is this so hard? I see so many people my own age meeting people and getting into relationships...things never go smoothly for me in that dept. I feel like it must be me. I am very recently over my ex, but part of me wonders, will i ever be over the divorce completely? It's been three years since we ended our relationship!

Yesterday at a brunch one of my aunts who i dont see very often asked in front of a group of people if i was dating anyone. I said no. I know she didnt mean any harm...but i was thinking ok, she didnt ask me about my job, didnt ask me about school...she just asked if i was dating anyone...in front of a group of people. I guess I am sort of self conscious about being single...if i was 21-25, it wouldnt be a big deal...but i have been made to feel like at 28 that it is time to find someone...I cant....it's just not happening for me so i've sort of let it go...i dont know if it will ever happen. I have tried to meet men, it hasnt worked out with them ):

Thanks for reading, i know this is long...but sometimes i feel so along...i never feel lonely...just like the odd 'woman' out due to the fact that i'm single and not getting any younger. Is 28 old to be single still?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2005
Tue, 12-26-2006 - 1:01pm

Hi,

I just want to say that I'm 39 and have had several long relationships.
Yesterday at our Family gathering a lot of People from my Mom's Church were
there. If you really look around at other married couples you will see that
they accept each other and love each other.

Me, on the other hand, have been fussy with the Men in my life. I have to
be willing to love someone no matter what their faults are and I'm just not
in that stage of my life.

So what I'm saying is that "Yes" we can all have a man/woman in our lives
to love. It's just getting to the point of accepting someone no matter what
their faults.

I guess it just isn't that important for me. I enjoy being single and if
a man comes along who I feel I can love, I will pursue him.

Ann

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Tue, 12-26-2006 - 2:57pm
Your not alone! I am 27 as of three weeks ago and am as single as they come! I'm definately not happy about it..but I guess it is what it is. I don't know what it is but for some reason I just get a man's attention for the life of me! I'm told that I'm beautiful, smart...not sure what the problem is? I have some extra weight on me..but I can't imagine that's the problem I'm not disgusting. I do get a lot of attention from black men..but unfortuatly, I'm just not attracted to them. I have tried when I was younger..for some reason the attraction is just not there for me. So..you are not alone... there are a ton of us out there that are single and not happy about it. I know what needs to be done...We need to accept the fact that we are single and we need to be happy with it..then things will begin to change..but unfortunately...I also know that is easier said then done.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2005
Tue, 12-26-2006 - 7:06pm

"I do get a lot of attention from black men..but unfortuatly, I'm just not attracted to them. I have tried when I was younger..for some reason the attraction is just not there for me."

I'm sorry for you. Was it necessary to say this?

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Tue, 12-26-2006 - 7:59pm

I don't think it was necessary to have included that sentiment but she was just being honest. I didn't see any harm in what she posted. I have a black girlfriend who is not attracted to white men and she used to comment on it quite frequently. She was always getting hit on by white guys while we were out dancing. Of course, she didn't say that to them but she was honest with me about her preference.

This is just coming from a place of curiosity. Why did that "comment" offend you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 9:34am
Hey,I just found out I was born on the same day as you 29 September, but I am older:) and single:)
I think it is great that you have a dream to follow...I am sure you will meet your perfect guy on the way. That is how I met mine but unfortunately I was very stupid and lost him- I have been exactly what men hate- overly emotional and so on.
I wonder what made other women's relationships fail?
Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 9:20pm

I think you've hit the nail on the head: It's all about accepting others for who they are and dealing with faults.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2005
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 10:16am

Thanks for your reply,

I've got a lot to learn about relationships. When
I think that I'm interested in a man I have to stand
back and say, "Can I love him for all of his faults?"

And also ask if he can do the same for me.

Happy Holidays,
Ann

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2006
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 11:23pm

I am in the same boat!! I am 27, have my CPA, own a nice home, am fit and attractive, yet I have had 3 failed relationships. One lasted almost 8 years but he started smoking pot and really changed. I could not deal. The other relationship was 2.5 years and the guy cheated on me and told me I was unattractive for gaining 7 lbs. Out he went. With those two long term relationships I felt that the men wanted me to be a domestic homemaker when I am a working woman who likes to eat out (not cook much!). Then the last 8 months I have been in a friendship/booty call with this guy I really like but he doesn't feel the same. So, I called that off too.

I find that being alone in some ways gives me a freedom and chance to grow. My friends and family keep telling me to use this time to get to know my wants and needs. My counselor told me to make a list of (1) what I must have in guy (2) what I will change about myself (3) what I will not change. She told me to keep this handy when meeting guys so that you don't compromise what you want from a man or who you are. I did this and it helped me see the guy of last 8 months was not meeting my needs although it made me sad not to be with him. But, it is better to be alone than be on an emotional rollercoaster or bogged down by something that is just not right. I keep hearing (so it might actually be true?) that you will meet someone when you least expect it.

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