Being single
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| Sat, 07-28-2007 - 4:15pm |
A lot of you complain about being single and all. It really does stink. But is your situation as bad as mine? Maybe this will make you feel better.
I have two friends that I enjoy being around but rarely get together with and they both have significant others and smoke. I don't smoke. I have two friends that are single and do not smoke. One is retired (I am not even close to retiring) and she is very particular about things. I am laid back about things (except about being single) so she gets on my nerves. Other than that she and I like to do things and go places. My other friend that doesn't smoke is my age but she can be very outspoken so I don't really enjoy being around her too much. My family lives hours away. The way I look at it, I virtually have no one. On rare occasions I see my family - once a month if I am lucky. I was married for several years but am now single. It's annoying to not have someone around most of the time to talk to when i need to and someone to talk to me when they need to. Anyway, I could go on and on about that.
How many of you have no one to go to even if you wanted to? How many of you live near your families? If your family lives close by, how often do you see them?
I'm sorry, I'm just feeling sorry for myself as I often do when I am home alone. I have a guy that I hang around with because I feel I have no one else. Except he is in love with me. I only like him as a friend. SO I probably should not be hanging around with him but I don't know what else to do. My life would TOTALLY be miserable without him.
Sorry, I just needed to vent, I guess. Thanks for listening.

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I totally agree with you but alas I think people lose manners...or they just don't want to be called on their crap which I have done. I went so far & said "do you want to be friends with me anymore?" I apologized later but felt like noone gives a rat's a$$.
I guess my therapist was just trying to help because I was having a rough day but I totally get your input too. It sucks to think that "yeh hey wow!! I am so lucky so & so called me back".
I guess this just happens so often that unfortunately I am getting used to it & how does it not affect my self-esteem...it does big time.
I did go through my phone log & started deleting people. It's just not worth the pain. i understand friendships evolve & change. People now adays just can't be honest & say the truth. They just respond "oh I've been busy" For me, that just tells me that my friendship is not that important to them to keep.
Also I have been too generous & people can get weird or feel uncomfortable.
Thanks for posting a response.
I totally get that you have told him. I told my friend the same thing. Unfortunatly when men (just my opinion) feel there is a hint of hope they will stick around until the bitter end.
A group that helped me was Codependents Anonymous. It made me feel less alone.
There have been many times that I didn't feel like eating because I put so many calls out there for dinner & noone called me back. I started hanging out with that male friend again & things just got worse. Guys (again my opinion) have this uncanny rationale that is delusional if you keep them around. Although you have been very cear, they just really don't get it. I mean c'mon how many giys really have female friends...only if they themselves are married or have a g/f.
Men want sex...all the time. It's what they hunt for & desire & in my exp. if they are kept around, it gives them the green light that there is a possibility for some nookie.
I don't mean any offense to any of the guys here, this has just been my own exp.
Your generalizing a whole gender? That's wrong! Can you generalize all women like that?!
You must'n say "guys", you have to say "the guys you've been with".
Edited 8/1/2007 5:10 pm ET by jackmoin
Funbiz
I don't think you should thing you are the problem. Please don't be so hard on yourself. There is nothing wrong with needing love and companionship and friends. Nothing.
It's not "wrong" I just think it's harder to connect when you are feeling that way. At least in my experience. I call people up when I am feeling pretty good...that is new people I'd like to connect with. I only share sorrows with people where I know it's OK. Of course, you don't know unless you try it out a bit and then they give you the "ok" or not. Please keep trying to connect. I did and I have a few people here and there. Some as real friends, some as acquaintances, some as email friends for support. Any bit helps.
Oh, turn up the love on yourself! One lady I know did "Loving Kindness" meditations for herself and wrote lists on everything she appreciated about herself. I know it's hard, but try to fire up the love within yourself. We are rooting for you.
My situation is not much better than yours, if that!
Wow, I love this forum and you guys...I am learning today that so many of my struggles/issues are so common! Yay! What a relief.
Okay...I am 40, have a little house. I have never been married but have had boyfriends throught my life. I totally relate to what you are experiencing! I think about "who do I really have"? all the time. I think everyone needs someone, someone they can tell all to, trust, call in the middle of the night, do things with, etc.
Here is my situation: My mom, who was my best friend in the family, died last year. I have four older sisters who all have kids. I have been on the outside with them for YEARS. They have parties and haven't invited me many times. Everytime I go together with the family, I'd walk in feeling good, walk out feeling very rejected because that is the vibe I got from my sisters. So, when I lost my mom, I stopped seeing them. I stopped seeing them because I decided (long before my mom died) that I would stop trying to gain their love/affection. Well, she is gone and not only do I not have her but I don't even have them...I am sad to not have family but so glad I don't have to go thru the pain of their rejection/coldness.
I have a few friends. I have a male friend I like to chat with, a female friend to go out with and laugh with, a handful of acquaintances that I have invited to parties and such. I might have a new gay male friend, that one is new. My best friend is my Mexican friend...he is very simple and sweet but surprisingly so, I can tell him anything and he me. He is someone I can call in the middle of the night. We are only friends.
I totally related on the ex issue! He was a great companion and I still talk to him occasionally even though I know it's better to "move on" and put my energy into finding someone else. I totally related to what you said though, without him I feel very very alone and it's hard. It's easy to just go and talk again. I completely understand. Somehow I just really believe life wasn't meant to be lived so alone. We all need someone, someone to share things with. I wish that for all of us. It's nice to know so many of us feel the same thing.
Actually I've never said anything about being upset or mad about that I'm single. And have been single for nearly three years!
In all point honesty...most of the time I really enjoy being single. Granted there are times when yeah, it really sux being alone. But there are other times, when its GREAT being able to come home and not have to listen to anyone's bitching. Or have to pick up after someone else. I can come and go as I please and not have to answer to anyone. If I want to go out with the girls on a Saturday night...I can. And if I find someone while I'm out...and things are going good...hey I can bring him home for the night. And in the morning he's gone and I still have my freedom.
On the downside...yes, as I'm reaching 30, I'd eventually like to be settled down. I'd like to be married...and be able to share my life with just one man. And yes, I'd love to be able to have children. But right now apparently it isnt happening. And until that day comes, I'm going to enjoy what life brings me each and everyday. I'm not going to sit in my apartment and cry day in and day out about there not being someone in my life. It's frankly a waste of time.
Life is about chances...either you're willing to take them or you're not.
Just as there are two kinds of people in this world. There are "thinkers" and there are "doers". "Thinkers" come up with some great ideas, but are too afraid to ever set them in motion. "Doers" on the other hand, get up off their asses and make things happen.
At the end of the day...it all comes down to one question...which are you?
Just catching up here...as I said...it was my opinion, but you do have a point. A better choice of words might be "the guys I've been with".
Thanks.
Thanks for your kind messages...here & in the past. Trying to "fire up the love within yourself" seems like a lost cause at this stage. I will be 42 in Oct. I have mentioned I have a 5-inch scar on my arm that makes me feel so ugly. There is nothing that can be done either.
Along with that I have done so much therapy yet I don't know how to help myself. I have been on meds too & nothing seems to work. I think a lot about the next 5-10 years & how I don't want to be here & yes, I have spoken to people including professionals. No amount of therapy or meds can change what a person feels about themselves, I don't sit around & blame anyone. Yes my parents did a hell of a bang up job but you know I never thought I'd be sitting here fixing myself after all these years.
Life just seems really hopeless at times.
I don't mean to be a bummer here, but this is what's going on for me.
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