Being "too nice"

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Being "too nice"
12
Sat, 03-03-2007 - 12:58am
This doesn't exactly have to do with dating or being single but thought I would post about it here since I like this board and still lurk quite a bit.
I have this problem of people pleasing that I've had for all my life that I just can't shake. It's so bad that I begin to feel guilty for all the good things happening in my life right now because my friends are going through some hardships. I'll allow one of my friends to get away with things I won't normally allow her to get away with because I'm in a good place in my life and she's having a hard time. I don't even talk about some of the good things with others because I don't think that they'll want to hear it and I bend over backwards to help people and run myself ragged doing way too much. I'm not sure how to stop this self-defeating behavior. Does anyone else have this problem or any opinions on this? It's starting to affect me more and more in a negative way, more than it ever has in the past. I just want to enjoy my new found happiness and good fortune that has come my way recently after having a rough year last year without feeling guilty about it because I know I deserve it and stop saying yes to everything and doing too damn much. Just needed to get that out.

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Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Sat, 03-03-2007 - 9:47am

Revel in your giving attitude and don't waste it on people who can't appreciate it for what it is ... I don't mean to be negative but there are a lot of selfish people in this world, be glad that you are not one of them.

If you are friends with people who you feel obligated to edit yourself around when it comes to the GOOD things in your life, I don't know. I don't want to "say" that you should ditch them but perhaps you should start looking to add some people into your life who lift you up and celebrate YOU. Ya know?

I'm glad that things are going well for you : ) That's an awesome feeling especially, when you have just come off of a less than stellar year.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Sat, 03-03-2007 - 11:23am
Thanks cfk. I do agree that there are way too many selfish people in the world and not in a good selfish sort of a way. I think it would be a good idea to strengthen some friendships that I have where I can be celebrated as much as I celebrate their accomplishements and to make new ones. I might be coming to a crossroads where I need to make decisions on who my real friends are vs who my surface friends are and adjust my time with those people accordingly, because I seem to always do too much and not take enough time for myself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Sun, 03-04-2007 - 12:12am

I go through ups and downs with the nice thing. There are times where I'll be able to tell people to shove it with no problem but more times than not, I can't help but be nice....unselfish, I guess it's my nature. I tell my friends that I'm always available since I figured out that people and not objects make my life better. However, I don't think I get the same vibe in return even from my two gal pals (women are supposed to be more empathetic than guys for the most part). My best friend since we were 6 is the only one I can talk to about anything and vise versa. There are times where I'll be having a really rough time and want to console with other people than him, but I just don't want to burden people with it. I went through a depression a couple of years ago because I thought we were going separate ways and I had nobody to talk to. If stuff is on the upswing however...I don't care, I tell everybody whether they wanna hear it or not.

Like, tonight I went to a bar to work on my master's thesis (weird place to be studying, huh?) and those negative feelings well up when my mind wanders away from work. I just think most people take advantage of other people which is why I keep people at a distance and would never date a business woman or a lawyer, those people would stab there own mothers in the back to get ahead.

I say tell your friends good news ...if they're really your friends they will be happy for you and expect the same if roles were reversed. I guess that's why I only have 4 or 5 people I would call friends, the rest are acquaintances but not necessary people in my life.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sun, 03-04-2007 - 10:24am

Hey! Haven't seen you around in awhile.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sun, 03-04-2007 - 10:34am

The key is to find balance.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-04-2007 - 8:23pm

Do you get Real Simple magazine? There's an article in the current issue about how to not take on other people's negativity that I read right after I read your post and it made me think of you. You might find it helpful.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Sun, 03-04-2007 - 10:15pm

Take your friends out and do fun things with them. I have my own problems, but I'm sort of the cheerleader of my group; the guy who likes to pick a guy up when he's down. When one of my friends is stressed about work, having trouble with his girlfriend or otherwise lonely or depressed, I take him out and we go play pool, listen to live music and we get completely trashed. I show them a good time, and they feel a lot better about it, and I have fun as well.

Try doing that with your friends when you have some free time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
Mon, 03-05-2007 - 8:57am

After my divorce and through counseling I learned that I tended to be a people pleaser and it's really an insecurity in myself that people won't like me or get mad at me if I'm not doing what they like, want, helping etc. So I had to shift my thinking and focus. I still help my friends if they need it and I'm available to do so. However, if I already have plans for the day that so and so schedules to move and asks me to help her move, I'm sorry I already have plans and I will say I'm sorry I already have plans, however how about I come over on xx day and help you unpack and put things away? so that way she knows I want to help just the day she picked isn't convenient for me. I can't always focus my life around other peoples schedules, I have to look at my schedule too. I learn the simple art of saying no and it has worked wonders. If people get mad at me because I say No well that's really their issues not mine.

Here are some good tips and articles:

http://www.findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1264/is_10_34/ai_112358168

http://www.realsimple.com/realsimple/content/0,21770,1149806,00.html

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/stress-relief/SR00039

http://web4health.info/en/answers/child-say-no.htm

Smile,

Deirdre

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Mon, 03-05-2007 - 11:04am
Thanks all for all the information and support. I think I have a hard time saying no without feeling guilty and I need to get over that guilt right now. I've been working on it and it's getting better but the guilt still gets to me. I really don't talk about my happiness hardly at all, really so I feel as if the balance is not there between some of my friends. I am usually the one listening to their problems and I talk a tiny bit about things especially if they ask, but other than that, I focus on what's going on with them most. I think that's more me than them though. I don't want to jinx things sometimes and I don't want to feel like I'm bragging even though I'm not. Things to work on for me is saying no without feeling guilty and feeling ok to talk about my happiness too so there is more of a balance between conversations. Because friendship should be a two-way street and more or less equal even though I do know that it might be me giving a bit more than receiving right now because I have more of the strength to give than they do right now which I'm fine with but I have to learn to ask for what I need too.
I haven't read that book Sheri, thanks for the recommendation, I might check it out.
Thanks again all.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Mon, 03-05-2007 - 12:15pm

I think you should talk about how happy you are, and not be ashamed of it. It is good for people who are in a bad place (or not exactly where they want to be) to see a good example of someone whose life is on track. Yes, they will be envious at times, but that is not your fault.

In my life, my friends who are happily married, having babies, etc. are more of an inspiration for me than a source of envy (although I do get a twinge of that once in awhile). I think it's a good thing to be around people who have a positive outlook on life, because otherwise it's too easy to fall into the negativity trap. I personally actively avoid the really negative and jaded singles I know because I don't want to become negative and jaded myself.

That said, your friend(s) might not be able to accept your happiness graciously right now. In that case, I do recommend spending less time with those people. If they are becoming a drain on your energy and not allowing you to celebrate your current happiness, are they truly being friends to you? Friendship is like marriage - should be for better or for worse. You've heard of fair-weather friends, but I also think some people are foul-weather friends because "misery loves company" and they can't stand to see you un-miserable. :)

AJ, enjoying life with C.

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