Benefit of the doubt

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Benefit of the doubt
29
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 12:27pm

I was talking with some girlfriends last night about dating. The conversation revolved around when to give someone the benefit of the doubt.

I am ready to write off someone who has been flaky, never has time on the weekend, does have time during the week but only in two-hour blocks, is short on the phone, and seems to be only able to communicate by text message. He claims to really want to see me, but his actions say otherwise to me.

My girlfriends were trying to tell me I'm too harsh and should give him the benefit of the doubt (their rationale: he's got a busy job, he's got his own baggage that affects how he dates, but he *said* he wanted to see you, maybe he thinks *you're* not interested). I have spent most of my dating life giving people the benefit of the doubt, and I'm sick of being the doormat.

So, I'm not really looking for advice on this particular situation because I'm following my own gut on this one - - but this goes back to Shy's point from last week and the thread about mixed advice from friends.

For YOU, where is the line when you stop giving someone the benefit of the doubt? I'm just interested to see how this varies by person.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 1:32pm

..."he says, oh, I'm going into a parking garage so I know I'll lose you, I'll call you back when I get inside. Well, that was Saturday about 12:15 PM and no call back--I guess he's still in the garage, LOL! "

Wow! That is something else. I often think how different would things be, had I not dumped my dude. Realistically, I probbaly would have seen him a total of 3 times this entire summer and half of those on ly by my request. I left soon as I felt it declining and I'msure he would NOT have picked things up.

Good for you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2004
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 1:37pm

I've been down this road more than enough times already with the wrong men to know that if someone isn't putting in 100% from the get go it's because when it comes to their relationship with you, they could take it or leave it. It's all the same to them. They enjoy hanging out with you for the time being, but they're not looking to invest a lot. Unfortunately, in a few cases I continued to invest more in the relationship than the guy cared to give and I was the one who ended up getting hurt real bad. So I've learned to protect myself by facing reality early on instead of dragging it out and making up excuses for them. If all the signs are there that the guy is content with seeing you only on his own terms, be it once a week or once a month, understand it for what it is-- he likes your company, he has fun with you, but you're not a priority to him. He will go on like this until his ex wants him back, until he finds the type of woman he really wants, or until he gets bored and doesn't even want to pick up the phone anymore.

This all goes back to a previous post of mine. A good friend is currently wrapped up in a situation very similar to yours. He's been doing this with her for MONTHS already. She still wants to see him of course, but I've warned her not to invest her heart into it because any guy who wants to pursue a bona fide relationship with you isn't going to drag out this "kinda sorta dating/seeing you whatever crap" indefinitely. She's been giving him the benefit of the doubt for too long already IMO.

And only communicating with you by text message? What's that about? Does he work in a library? Is he a monk, has he taken a vow of silence? He's hiding something. I think men who text too much are most likely hiding something-- like they don't want their wife or girlfriend talking to the other woman.

As far as the only two-hour blocks of contact during the week, it sounds more like he's squeezing you into his routine-- like, when his other girlfriend is at pilates class.

That's why I now like to stick by what I call the Weekend Test. Most people spend weekends with the people who mean the most to them. In our busy overworked culture, those two free days are precious and if we have family, a significant other, good friends, etc., we spend it wisely by only spending it on them. Hence why I will only agree to go on blind dates during the week until I see the relationship is heading somewhere worth my weekend time.

Therefore, if he can't spend his weekend time with you, it's because he has a whole list of other people he's spending his weekend time on instead.

I'm being straight-forward here I know, maybe too straight-forward and I apologize if I sound a little harsh, but I'm only saying this because I've made a new commitment to stop allowing myself to be dragged into these sort of half-hearted relationships where my needs aren't being met. And I have to tell you, it really feels good to know that I have a little more power over weather or not I allow a man like this to stomp on my heart again. Sadly, it took me all of my 20s to figure this out and stop looking at men who aren't worth my time and love through rose-colored glasses.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 1:41pm

Yes, I was starting to have similar, "could it be different" thoughts after his initial phone call last week, but what happened this weekend showed me that nothing had changed!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 1:42pm

>>I guess he's still in the garage, LOL! <<

LOL. Let him stay in the garage. :)

The other guy is the perfect example of what I was asking. When does the balance of good things and good behavior outweigh the little red flags? In this case, I'd say the time and phone calls are a very good sign, but there's obviously a little voice telling you to pay attention anyway. We all know nobody is perfect - but when is somebody *right*?

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 1:47pm

>>I'm being straight-forward here I know, maybe too straight-forward and I apologize if I sound a little harsh, but I'm only saying this...<<

No, not harsh at all. In fact, that was the argument I was giving my friends. My last straw was telling him yesterday that I was busy during the week, but had time on the weekend. He replied (e-mail this time) that he had friends coming into town this weekend and didn't know what the plans were, so he'd have to get back to me later in the week.

I was sort of annoyed with my friends for thinking I should excuse this behavior - especially when it's become a pattern. He's been busy for the past three weekends.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 1:51pm

..."he says, oh, I'm going into a parking garage so I know I'll lose you, I'll call you back when I get inside. Well, that was Saturday about 12:15 PM and no call back

I hate it enough when flaky platonic women friends have done this, talking to me on their cell phones. And What is this about "texting" someone? Am I that out of step not only with dating, but with the technology of my cell phone? Reading the posts on this and other threads about men who will only "text" their dates...it makes me want to have resolve to never give a man my cell phone number, but only my land line number. What a concept, you get on the land line number, sit down, and actually take the time and effort to have a real conversation with someone.

Seems like flaky men have hit paydirt what with this new technology, the technology letting them keep women at arm's length...........

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 1:52pm

iv_nancy, this post was so on point that I'm going to have to print it out to remind me EXACTLY word-for-word why I dumped that jerk and should be patting myself on the back for it instead of second guessing myself or missing him.

BRAVO!

I'm serious!

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 1:55pm

I have FRIENDS who say they were going to call me "right back" and months go by...

Unfortunately (for me) that this is the "norm" in my experience.

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2010
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 1:56pm
I think you have to go into every dating situation (or any situation for that matter) with your eyes open. If a guy is not available on weekends, can't talk on the phone (only text msg), barely has time on weeknights, these are huge red flags. It is not being harsh or bitter or difficult. It is a clear fact that he is unavailable. He is probably married or in a relationship, but even if he is simply emotionally unavailable, that in and of itself is enough of a reason to run in the other direction. You need to be with someone who has a reasonable availability of time and himself to spend with you. I am not saying spend every waking moment with the person, but at least one night a weekend if you're dating...at least! I would not waste any more time who's time constraints are that inflexible. Next....!
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 2:42pm

Exactly, and that's the issue I'm having. I really want someone I can *count* on to do what they say they are going to (barring the occasional emergency of course), since that's how I am and how my friends are, but then I wonder if I'm being unreasonable, given that there's a lot of good stuff too (and we do have a great time when we are together--he's lots of fun, very attentive and affectionate, etc).

I know in this case part of it is that I committed to being exclusive too soon for my comfort zone--I normally prefer to wait a couple months, but this time I was just tired of all the flaky dating behavior I'd been experiencing from other people and we seemed to get along so well that I just said yes when he asked on our 4th date.

Anyway, we're scheduled to see each other tomorrow (see, I can't even say we're "going" to see each other tomorrow because I'm afraid he'll cancel), so I guess we'll talk about things then and I'll see what he says. I don't want to make too big a deal about it but I know myself well enough to know that I'll be stressed about it and that will mean I will act a little weird or take it out on him in some inappropriate way if I don't say something.

Why can't this just be *easy*, LOL???

Sheri