Benefit of the doubt

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Benefit of the doubt
29
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 12:27pm

I was talking with some girlfriends last night about dating. The conversation revolved around when to give someone the benefit of the doubt.

I am ready to write off someone who has been flaky, never has time on the weekend, does have time during the week but only in two-hour blocks, is short on the phone, and seems to be only able to communicate by text message. He claims to really want to see me, but his actions say otherwise to me.

My girlfriends were trying to tell me I'm too harsh and should give him the benefit of the doubt (their rationale: he's got a busy job, he's got his own baggage that affects how he dates, but he *said* he wanted to see you, maybe he thinks *you're* not interested). I have spent most of my dating life giving people the benefit of the doubt, and I'm sick of being the doormat.

So, I'm not really looking for advice on this particular situation because I'm following my own gut on this one - - but this goes back to Shy's point from last week and the thread about mixed advice from friends.

For YOU, where is the line when you stop giving someone the benefit of the doubt? I'm just interested to see how this varies by person.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2006
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 2:46pm
I have learned to trust my instinct. Looking back at the times I have felt like a guy made too many excuses to see me, I ended up being right that they were excuses. When a guy really wants to see me but truly is too busy with work for example, he will make definite plans for the next weekend, or call to say he's thinking of me. I give the benefit of the doubt until my gut tells me to move on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 2:59pm

I've had the same experiences.

Last year I dated a guy that worked on weekends and had several freelance jobs so even when he couldn't come out or see me during those times, he would still text me to let me know he was thinking of me, missing me or wishing he was with me. And oftentimes, he'd still try and come over after work or squeeze some time in, even when it proved impossible. He even forgot he had a soccer game once cause he got so excited by the prospect of spending some time with me. Another time, he was about 40 mins. away and stuck with friends and was still trying to get a ride to come by my way just to see me before I went to bed. And when he couldn't make it, he was really disappointed.

The guy I just dumped once got on an hour+ train, after work to see me on a work night then the train back in the morning just to see me. An ex, who had no car, used to walk 20 mins. back and forth to my house nearly everyday.

When the interest is high, they will do what it takes to get to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2004
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 4:20pm

I like to think that when you're dating someone they'd like to work you into their plans-- ie, "my friends are visiting from out of town and we're having a barbeque saturday night. and i'd really like them to meet you so you're invited, of course!" or "my friends are coming to visit, we're seeing a baseball game on saturday, should I get you a ticket too? or if you don't like baseball you should meet us for drinks afterwards. I'll call you after the game and let you know where we're going to be."

That's ideally how it's supposed to be.

I find that some single friends and even some married ones like to tell me to go easier on guys and not just cut them off so fast. But then again, I think that many of my married friends just want to see me married off for the love of god already, and certain single friends want to know that there's still hope out there so they don't want me to give up just yet because my disappointments turn into their disappoints as we're all looking for a way out of the single life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 4:59pm

>>I think that many of my married friends just want to see me married off for the love of god already, and certain single friends want to know that there's still hope out there so they don't want me to give up just yet because my disappointments turn into their disappoints as we're all looking for a way out of the single life.<<

I totally agree. This group was a mix of hopeful singles and happily marrieds - and I'd wager they were in these camps.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 5:36pm
I'm admittedly tough on guys. It doesn't take much for me to pick up on what I perceive as clues that he isn't very interested, and move on. Your views are right in line with my own.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 9:42pm
I think it all plays out without giving it too much thought. Leila
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Wed, 08-22-2007 - 8:26pm
Sometimes I'm a little too much the giver of the benefit of the doubt...but from what you've said about this guy, I totally don't blame you for just writing him off. Definitely go with your gut! I haven't had much of a chance to be on here lately, so I haven't read Shy's post about mixed advice yet, but I find that with certain things, I just don't ask for advice because when too many people put in their two cents, I end up confused.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2007
Thu, 08-23-2007 - 1:58am
Too bad technology can't beat good old women's intution.
Brenna
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Thu, 08-23-2007 - 11:05am

>>but I find that with certain things, I just don't ask for advice because when too many people put in their two cents, I end up confused.<<

That was basically Shy's point as well, and I am starting to think the same way. I need to trust my own instincts and decisions at the end of the day. Advice is nice, but the only one who knows the details of the situation is me - so I'm best equipped to make the decision.

By the way, I did bail on the guy -- and it feels good that I didn't let it go on any longer.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

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