Best way of breaking up

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Best way of breaking up
45
Wed, 12-21-2005 - 6:17pm

I see that a theme in one of the discussions is how guys and gals break up.
So I am curious if there is such a thing as a "good" breakup process, i.e. is there a good way of breaking up? and if so, have you either done it that way or had that done to you?

For me, my intention is that it should NOT be a surprise to the other person when that happens. I think that is the hardest part... expressing doubts, fears about the relationship BEFORE the final announcement. I hope to be able to discuss before anything like that happens.

Views? Experiences?

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2005
Thu, 12-22-2005 - 12:52pm

This is what I'm talking about lesley..., when Dodie did this to me I was not upset, but glad she called..., it let me know that at least she was thinking about me and I wasn't a peice of dirt to her..., and gave me the opportunity to rest my case and get closure...,

..., so a man sees this call as good..., and a woman as bad..., who's right? Could it be what I said in another post?...., that men have thicker hides and don't take everything so personally, so emotionally..., hence better suited to dating.

I've been on both sides of that fence..., have you? How did each situation feel????

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Thu, 12-22-2005 - 1:38pm

I was completely blindsided by a breakup once and I was devastated. No clue at all it was coming, there were no signs at all. After he left, I wrote him a long email because (he wasn't the greatest communicator) I still needed to know just a few things before I ended all the contact. He called me two weeks later and said he would drive up (45 minutes) to talk. Well we didn't talk, because he didn't talk much at all. I got angry because he was the one that said we could talk, he was the one that drove the distance to come see me and then he didn't really have anything to say at all. And then I ended up in tears all over again, had to say goodbye all over again and...never again. It took me 3 long months to get over him.

After I got over him, I realized that we weren't good for each other in the long term even though we were good for each other at the time. But the way our breakup went and his so called attempt to "communicate"...it would have been better if he just ignored my email.

I do believe in the no contact mantra for most cases. It just opens up all those wounds again. And when I ended my 3 year relationship with the moron, I never called to see how he was doing. I didn't care anymore and didn't want him to have any hope that I did care. I think we both moved on much easier that way.

Rubyshoes

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-22-2005 - 1:41pm

Was Dodie the woman who disappeared on you? If so, didn't we already establish that's an exception to the general rule of thumb?

Sheri

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-22-2005 - 1:53pm

Ah, see, that makes my point. Women are more likely to DO something about their depression and work to *become* emotionally stable (whether they succeed or not is another issue ;-)). Men are more likely to ignore it and hope it gets better on its own (which if it's truly clinical depression, won't happen, because the cause is physiological)...or to assume that the fact that all their relationships haven't worked out is 100% the fault of the women they were involved in, rather than looking at what they might be doing to contribute to things not working out (the whole "who is the common denominator in all your relationships" issue).

I don't disagree with you about the thicker skin, etc...the flip side of that, however, is that men's feelings seem in many cases to be much more on the surface and therefore their capacity for true intimacy (emotional, not physical) is limited. If you're *not* hurt when someone you've been involved with for a while ends it, one has to wonder whether you ever really had feelings for the other person (and please note I'm talking about a relationship of more than a couple dates here--far too many women do get attached way too soon and create a relationship in their head way too soon).

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2005
Thu, 12-22-2005 - 2:15pm

Ruby.., look at all the anger you still harbor for this man!!!

A counselor would now take you through the things you should have said to him just so you can get it out..., that same counselor would then take you through the steps to show you how it should've ended so that there would be no guilt, remorse, hate, sadness, (insert endless list of negative emotions here)...., so in this case I think you would have been better served to have let it out while you were feeling it..., not keep it bottled up for years...,

.., he wasn't a moron when you started screwing him, was he?

I have never been angry at one of my LTR ex's. I made wise choices marrying (and/or long term cohabitation) them and to call them morons would be a reflection that I was a moron for selecting them. I love and loved those women dearly...., Dodie ran off with her personal trainer..., after we had lived together for 6 years and I was involved in her girls lives..., that was after I asked her to marry me..., which is what she had wanted the whole time...,

I was glad to let off steam and express my emotions to her..., it was theraputic to have her calll me out of the blue a month later..., and if that never would have happened I don't think I would be anywhere close to over her!!!

This don't call thing STILL makes no sense to me!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2005
Thu, 12-22-2005 - 2:25pm

Sheri...,
I'm a stand up kind of guy (no, not the comedian type)..., I have always accepted 50% of all the trouble that has come in any relationship. I take it right up to that point and no farther....., I have never blamed any woman for more than her 50%..., do you think I get that kind of treatment in return..., NO!

Men are blamed for everything and women seem to feel they can skate out and not accept their fair share of it.

Even children are taught it takes two to make a fight and both are at fault evenly..., there's another generalization for you that doesn't work in politics, religion, or love.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-22-2005 - 2:38pm

Why do you keep assuming that when I say "some men do this" that I'm talking about YOU? I'm not. I am careful to NOT say "all men do this" or "you do this" (because I don't believe that "all men" or "all women" do anything...we are all individuals). But there are many men out there (and apparently, in your experience, many women) who do not assume ANY responsibility for their part in a relationship's failure.

But in any case, it's not a matter of "blame", IMO...it's a matter of taking *responsibility* for one's own part in the relationship's failure (two different things), and I don't think that numbers or percentages have anything to do with it (unless they are 0% and 100%).

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Thu, 12-22-2005 - 2:43pm

Given that you dont know the circumstances of my past relationships or how they ended you're really jumping to conclusions about my reactions and feelings about these men.

The first guy I explained I would never say a bad thing about and I never have. He is a very good man. Some women harbor very resentful feelings about guys and call them everything under the sun and go on and on about their weak points. I NEVER did that with this guy. Yes he was a poor communicator but that didnt become really apparent to me until the end of the relationship. Oh yes I let out my anger and resentment over him just up and leaving so suddenly but that helped me heal over those months. No amount of phone calls from him would have helped.

As for the other guy, yes moron is the perfect moniker for him. As for your "he wasn't a moron when you started screwing him was he?" comment I dont know what you mean by it (whether screwing meaning sex or screwing meaning mind games) but if its talking about sex, then you're off base there too. I never had sex with him as I was 18-20 years old and not ready for it yet. I know I should have made a wiser decision and left him earlier than I did, but I didn't because I was so emotionally screwed up that he was the only thing I had. Its akin to an abusive relationship though he never layed a hand on me.

And believe me, since I'm a psychologist in training I know all about the different therapeutic techniques that counselors use on their clients. And when I was down in the lowest gutter possible after I walked away from that relationship, I used them to pick myself back up. No meds required. Again you cant make assumptions about me or anybody else based on a few paragraphs.

We'll agree to disagree which is what I think many of the posters are trying to do about this topic.

Rubyshoes

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Avatar for cl_shywon
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Registered: 03-20-2003
Thu, 12-22-2005 - 2:50pm

The call back wasn't what I was referring to as passive aggressive.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Thu, 12-22-2005 - 2:50pm

Once again, it's strange to me that you'd go to the trouble to continuously say how much easier men get over break-ups than women and then, when a woman relates with the exact same type of story, you immediately recommend counseling. Maybe it's just you that believes women "need" help for emotional stability?

By the way, I don't think Ruby is having any trouble with this past relationship. Just because she remembers the guy doesn't mean she's not over it. Again, my point earlier reiterated, you can care about someone and still move on.

It seems to be that your basis for judgement may be a little skewed in itself. And, I think you're a pot-stirrer and you like these sorts of challenges- which, non-professionally speaking of course, likely says volumes about your relationship history. Had you asked me my opinion (and I can't tell from your arguments what exactly you're asking/telling) I'd say you could get more out of these discussions if you spent less time questioning why these women are the way they are and more time questioning why you continue to choose to be with them.