Best way of breaking up
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Best way of breaking up
| Wed, 12-21-2005 - 6:17pm |
I see that a theme in one of the discussions is how guys and gals break up.
So I am curious if there is such a thing as a "good" breakup process, i.e. is there a good way of breaking up? and if so, have you either done it that way or had that done to you?
For me, my intention is that it should NOT be a surprise to the other person when that happens. I think that is the hardest part... expressing doubts, fears about the relationship BEFORE the final announcement. I hope to be able to discuss before anything like that happens.
Views? Experiences?
Mark

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Not at all jules...,
..., when a woman says a man's a jerk and she's had a sexual relationship with him.., there is a point in time where he was not a jerk or moron. It's very rare I hear a woman say she slept with a guy because he was such an azzhole.
Like I said I would never call a woman I had a relationship with a bytch, a sl*t, (insert slang term here) or anything else because that would be a reflection of me. Maybe dodie did act like a bytch, I never called it that...., and wouldn't call her that even today.
Of course this is a moot point since ruby said (Ihope it was ruby) she was never sexual with him. So I would modify my statement to say "he wasn't a moron when you started dating him, was he?"..., once again my point is that she loved him and should stand behind that love even when it's over...,
..., you don't just hate people you loved because things changed and the love diminished to imperceptable levels.
Truthfully I'm not manipulating anything..., I am simply writing how I feel as I feel it.., and recounting memories at the same time..., you can read into it anything you want but in this case you are wrong.
As a man I do have an emotional side which I don't really think too much about..., if it's about the joy of sex, and relationships, and good times, I am perfectly capable of showing warmth and deep emotion...,
..., if it's about dating rejection, percieved inequities or negatives I can become hard and solid..., but in all honesty I'm typing as fast as I can to get this stuff out and actually getting some of my responces mixed up in the process..., if that isn't free association..., I don't know what is.
Two weeks ago I was nurturing my son during our time together helping him understand the necessaties of homework..., and I love that boy with all my heart and sould...,
.., at the same period of time I went out and ruthlessly slew a dragon (in this case a cow elk), dismembered it, hauled it up the side of a mountain and am currently eating it!
There you go..., two diametrically opposed emotional states existing in me at the same time and coming out with out any forethought what-so-ever.
Hi All,
I have read through everyone's posts. Ok my last break-up. One, we were not intimate---we only dated 3 months. How did he break it off? Well the evening started with him showing me how to fix a flat tire on my bike, then riding our bikes to the market to get dinner, preparing dinner, watching the Notebook(the movie) (where I got very misty)and then commencing with him walking me out to my car at 11:00pm and giving me the talk. Nice eh? As I was blubbering, he invited me back in so I could pull myself together. He then tells me that he is starting to have feelings for an ex of 9 years ago whom he is seeing again. THEN, he kisses me goodnight? HELLO!!!!!!
I emailed him twice & told him to give me time that I am not ready to be his friend (which is what he wanted) What does he do??? On my b-day less than 6 days later he sends me flowers with "Happy 30th bday from Anonymous". I called the florist & found out it was him. The nice part of me wanted to say thank you, the other parts were saying "umm, I am confused, does he want me back?", and then "no, this is to make him feel better for dumping my a$$". I figured if he wanted to see me, he would contact me. I ended up giving the flowers to an office mate who could give them to his wife.
SO, if I were to rewrite this, he should have just broken up with me in the beginning of the evening and further respected my wishes of no-contact. When I looked at those flowers it was a reminder of his rejection of me.
I am thank-ful that we were not intimate. I still think of him. It has been over 2 months of NC which was hard because I do like to end things nicely being the too darn nice girl that I am. I don't hate him, but I don't respect him & his commitment-phobic issues. I found out from friends that this is his M.O. He dates someone for a couple months then breaks it off.
I did learn to be more skeptical and have walls up. He was always thinking I was way too open. I know that he was not right for me, but it has shaken my beliefs about people and their intentions.
I am on anti-depressants because 1) I am a woman & unfortunately women are prone to depression (not all) and 2) on both sides there is bi-polar.
It seems everyone wants to be the nice one when there is a break-up. There was always be one that loses.
It's not the "it's me not you" story either.
There is no "best way" except to keep it short & to the point. Don't drag it on.
It is never easy no matter how you look at it, though I wish there were times I could be more like some men & just move on so easily. For that I am envious. They seem to compartmentalize & not let it get to them.
Sooo many Doctors in the house pamo…, sooo quick to pronounce me as passive-aggressive…, alright ladies, let’s see if you’re right…,
I have taken this clinical list of PAPD (passive aggressive personality disorder) traits and honestly answered them…, and have proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that you’re wrong…, maybe the one’s who have made these pronouncements should look at this list a little closer;
***FEAR OF DEPENDENCY - Unsure of his autonomy & afraid of being alone, he fights his dependency needs - usually by trying to control you.*** Totally wrong…., I like depending on my mate, for example my second wife wanted to do the banking and handle the bills and checkbook…., I had no problem with that…, hell she excels in accounting…, for 5 years I simply signed my check over to her…, this is just one of many examples. Cathy would back me up on this one.
***FEAR OF INTIMACY - Guarded & often mistrustful, he is reluctant to show his emotional fragility. He's often out of touch with his feelings, reflexively denying feelings he thinks will "trap" or reveal him, like love. He picks fights to create distance.*** Mostly wrong…, I have often been accused of being too emotional about things…, couple this with my abilities as an artist to, to express my feelings in paint…, and you will see I am a very sensitive and supportive mate and lover…, now I will admit honestly that I have become guarded and emotionally shielded over the last 2 years of dating, what with it’s ups and downs. Dodie would back me up on this one.
***FEAR OF COMPETITION - Feeling inadequate, he is unable to compete with other men in work and love. He may operate either as a self-sabotaging wimp with a pattern of failure, or he'll be the tyrant, setting himself up as unassailable and perfect, needing to eliminate any threat to his power.*** Wrong!!..., I am a fierce competitor as well as a gracious loser…, you can’t always win…, and laughing it up with the winners and/or losers after a race is part of the reason to compete in the first place…, and when a man has tried to win the love of the women I’ve had my eyes on I most definitely fight for the right. My ex wives as well as sailing companions would back me up on this one.
***OBSTRUCTIONISM - Just tell a p/a man what you want, no matter how small, and he may promise to get it for you. But he won't say when, and he’ll do it deliberately slowly just to frustrate you. Maybe he won't comply at all. He blocks any real progress he sees to your getting your way.*** Don’t know how to answer this one…, I’m human so there are times when I’ve obstructed things I didn’t want…, I think all people do this…, however, in general my relationships have had a healthy component of discussion and negotiations..., and I certainly don’t promise things I can’t or don’t want to deliver.
***FOSTERING CHAOS - The p/a man prefers to leave the puzzle incomplete, the job undone.*** Totally not me…, in fact I can’t stand to even start a job unless I’m reasonably sure I can complete it…, I’m also very detail oriented in everything I do. Anyone who knows me will back me up on this one.
***FEELING VICTIMIZED - The p/a man protests that others unfairly accuse him rather than owning up to his own misdeeds. To remain above reproach, he sets himself up as the apparently hapless, innocent victim of your excessive demands and tirades.*** Total BS…, I take responsibility for everything I screw up …, 100% for things like personal projects or goals…, and only 50%..., get it?..., 50%!! of the problems in a relationship!!! My ex wives will back me on this..., I’ll call them on their part!
***MAKING EXCUSES & LYING - The p/a man reaches as far as he can to fabricate excuses for not fulfilling promises. As a way of withholding information, affirmation or love - to have power over you - the p/a man may choose to make up a story rather than give you a straight answer.***All in all I’m a pretty honest guy.., never been much of a liar and certainly have never cheated on any woman I’ve been involved with…, I am open and communicative in my relationships…, I will admit to becoming jaded over the past couple years of dating and of using subterfuge to lighten the harm I take for things like breaking up. Anyone who knows me will back me up on this one.
***PROCRASTINATION - The p/a man has an odd sense of time - he believes that deadlines don't exist for him.*** OH MY GOD!!!! NOT, NOT, NOT!!!! Anyone who knows me will back me up on this one.
***CHRONIC LATENESS & FORGETFULNESS - One of the most infuriating & inconsiderate of all p/a traits is his inability to arrive on time. By keeping you waiting, he sets the ground rules of the relationship. And his selective forgetting - used only when he wants to avoid an obligation.*** *** OH MY GOD!!!! NOT, NOT, NOT!!!! Anyone who knows me will back me up on this one. I am “On time guy”.
***AMBIGUITY - He is master of mixed messages and sitting on fences. When he tells you something, you may still walk away wondering if he actually said yes or no.*** Nope…, I’m opposite of that, although I am capable of listening to other viewpoints I am not easily swayed from my beliefs once they are set…., however, there’s been quite a few occasions where the discussions with someone have turned the tides of my ideology…, in these cases I did not find it hard to accept the changed belief and held it as dear as I do the others.
***SULKING - Feeling put upon when he is unable to live up to his promises or obligations, the p/a man retreats from pressures around him and sulks, pouts and withdraws.*** Not unless you call hours upon hours in the studio alone “sulking”…, it’s a type of meditation, a type of prayer…, my other frustrations are taken out at the gym…, where I lift massive plates of steel to form the body that was able to haul a 500lb elk out of Cougar Canyon last November.
Man I hate being right all the time!!!!
I also hold to the view of the people that I attract in my life is a reflection of my spiritual and psychological health. I am happy to have experienced that in each successive relationship I have been able to have a kinder, healthier, more spiritual woman as a partner. Those women who are not "right" for me do not last beyond a first coffee date.
My last relationship was with a woman who is a (Thich Nhat Hahn) Buddhist. Her deep commitment to her spiritual practice and therefore herself showed up in her life as loving compassion, self awareness, kindness, patience, and strong willingness to work on her life and relationships.
I don't know what exactly I have been doing in my life to continue to have such great people come into my life but I believe it has been my own commitment in personal growth.. spiritually, relationship, psychologically, and otherwise. It is a practice, an awareness, a commitment, and living mindfully.
Mark
You're right jstbu..., men do compartmentalize..., that is why I say we're better suited for the dating game..., we don't take things to personally..., we have thicker skins.
I'll admit that guy had no clue, but I can see he was trying to ease the pain…, trying to remain friends.., I was railed by ALL of the women here for calling a woman back a couple weeks later to check up on her…, and to all my available knowledge I was simply checking up to see how she was doing.., although I’ve been told I had a hidden agenda…, yeah right…., I was simply treating her the way I would have want to be treated…, but now I see I should have dumped her quickly and never looked back…, hey, I’m totally capable of that too!!
Jstbu…, would this have made you feel better or worse?…, made you get over it quicker?..., had he just stopped by, gave the speech and then disappeared never to contact again?…, that’s what all your sisters are saying.
This is my last break up in November;
Amalia and I had been dating for 3 months…, after two months we were into heavy petting (really heavy petting) but had never had sex yet…., I liked her…, we had fun together…., but she was strangely overprotective…, we went to a birthday party for her friend and I was told over Baskin & Robbins ice cream the next day that I had hugged the birthday girl 3 times and touched her on the small of the back…, WTF?!?!..., I remember hugging her when I got there, hugging her when I left, and whatever…., I supposed I might have touched her back but hey I was helping out with presents…, in a crowded condo…, I told Amalia that this was her problem…, not mine, I was simply being nice to her friend who is definitely not my type AT ALL…, physically as well as personality wise.
So…, I let it slide but we went to a swanky cocktail party one night for another of her friends…, and I had quite the nice time…, I met some art aficionado’s there and exchanged info and some cards…, wouldn’t you know a day or two later she sends me an email that says I embarrassed her and shouldn’t have been using the function to promote my art…,WTF?!?!..., I had plenty of convo’s that weren’t about art at all.., anyway the email says blah, blah, blah, I don’t think we should see each other anymore…, so I write back “Sure, no problem. No hard feelings on my side.” And went on my way.., not too concerned about the way it ended but wondering what her problem is…, so 2 weeks later I get a voice mail and it’s Amalia…, her statement was she didn’t mean to be so abrupt and that I should call her…, NOT…, the tone wasn’t even apologetic…, and although she’s probably one of the best kissers I’ve ever known…, this just wasn’t worth the hassle.., so I hit delete!
Moral of the story…, if we are going to date, and risk hurt and pain for the chance at love and happiness, we better compartmentalize these things…, “It’s not me, and it’s her”!!
Right/Wrong
Passive Agressive
What I find blocks compassion and communication is the need to be right and have the other being wrong.
What I also find that blocks communication is labelling, e.g. "passive agressive."
I love Marshall Rosenberg's NonViolent Communication aka Compassionate Communication process where you do not label, evaluate, or judge the behavior (he's passive agressive) but to observe (he says THIS but does THAT). I recommend this process (see Rosenberg's book or check out the website cnvc.org).
When I do practice this process I find I make more meaningful, honest, and more compassionate connections with people and isn't that what most of us want?
Mark
Thanks for the input Mark, I agree with you totally that we are a reflection of the people in our lives...,
..., and although the relationships ended, either amicably or otherwise..., I am still proud to say that Christina, Catherine, and Dodie are great women and certainly reflective of my personality and the wonderful things that I'm capable of..., I loved, and still love those women..., and all 3 are the most dedicated and caring mothers to their children....., and the men in their lives today.
So just because I've connected with a couple of broken women lately I'm definitely not going to blame myself..., if anything I'll blame Match.com..., which seems to harbor more that it's portion of the less than emotionally stable human beings...,
..., as far as lifestyle of natural tranquility goes..., I get enough of that in my artwork...., it wouldn't fit in with my life of shooting guns (competition marksman), riding dirt bikes, hunting/fishing, lifting weight, flying...., or any number of other testosterone filled things I like to do...,
..., and I have never been accused of lacking in compassion (not that you accused me of that), certainly not communication..., and find it ironic that when I tried to be compassionate to a woman (after a breakup) I was told I was being uncompassionate.
I will check out that website and see what it holds...., thank you Mark..., last thing..., I checked out quite a few websites as well as PAPD documentation here at the hospital and I can assure you none of it ever referred to it as right/wrong...., that's like saying black/white..., we all know it's not cut and dried..., I've been 50% right and 50% wrong in every relationship that I've been in....,
..., if people stopped trying to attach acronyms to everything..., he was ADDS, ADHD, PAPD, I am PTSS..., we could all get on with our lives..., I've certainly never been diagnosed with ANYTHING!!!! ..., and I will never have depression because there are too many damn cool things to do in life..., and I'll never have attention deficit anything because I can't afford it when I'm going 200mph on short final to a high density altitude runway.
This is probably futile, but it irks me no end that you keep mischaracterizing what was said. The reason for not calling is to NOT CAUSE HER FURTHER PAIN. As I've said numerous times in these threads, your good intentions don't prevent the call from causing pain.
I read a very good article on healthy relationships a while back and the article made a very good point, namely, that the Golden Rule is all well and good, but what you really need to apply in a relationship is to do unto your partner (or ex partner in this case) what he or she wants, not what YOU would want. We're just trying to clue you in that *most women*, if they have been dumped, do not want to hear from the guy who dumped them (unless he's calling to get back together, then they may be open to it), no matter what the motivation, because contact with the person who dumped you is painful and it sets you back in the healing process. And to be clear, I will repeat that this guideline assumes that you've had a mature breakup, not a disappearing act or a fight where you storm out or similar.
And no contact ever again is not what was said either. The best way to leave it is to let the dumped person make contact with the dumper when he or she feels ready to reconnect as friends.
Sheri
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