Birthday party update

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Birthday party update
9
Mon, 08-11-2014 - 2:27pm

Well I'd say it wasn't really a "party" perse, more like just a dinner.  There were supposed to be 8 people total, it ended up being 4, plus one person came late cause she had to work.  I was a little frazzled as even the friends who were coming were running late so the time was getting pushed back.  I must say that I am annoyed about how adults can say they are supposed to go somewhere and just don't come and don't call--it would be one thing if we were just hanging at a bar, but when you are going to dinner, that's rude.  I talked to one of the guys not that long before we were supposed to go to tell him everyone was runing late and his response was "oh thanks for calling and reminding me.  My mom went in the hospital so I am cleaning her house now."  Yet he didn't say definitely that he could not go.  But that is typical of this guy--he always says that he is going to go somewhere and then doesn't show--I don't think I'll be inviting him anywhere again.

One interesting thing to me is how the one man who did come was perceived.  this is someone who is new to our dance school but I figured he seemed friendly enough and we are always lacking men, so why not invite him?  My friend "N" had all these negative things to say about him, while the other woman who was at dinner, the one who came later and I did not share her opinion at all--of course to each their own.  N is the youngest one (10 yrs younger than me) plus the most beautiful and I don't know if she is very picky about men or just negative about them in general.  Her last BF was a very social guy and good looking but he was too controlling--they are still friends and he ended up taking us out on his boat later that night so maybe she still has some attraction to him and even though she knows he's bad in a relationship, she still wants a man like him--I don't know.

So she was criticizing the guy for bragging about the restaurant he owns because he was showing us pics on his cell phone--it has a nice deck and it's next to a river--looked really nice.  To me, that was not bragging.  I agree that he is socially awkward--he's never been married and I assume he was devoted to his career.  He has a Ph.D. so he's kind of nerdy and he's on the quiet side.  I told her that we have to look at the positives--at least he showed up when he said that he was coming, he brought me a plant for a present, he chipped in to pay for my dinner, when the friend arrived late he bought her a drink, etc.  So at least he tries to be polite.  She recently went out with another man (a friend of a friend) and he likes her way more than she likes him.  He took her to a play and at the end of the night, he said he wanted to 'steal" a kiss--she was turned off and said that was obvious that he knew that she didn't want to kiss him so why did he go for it?  I said that maybe she was taking it too literally (English is not her first language) and maybe he didn't mean it like she thought and was only using it as an expression.  So maybe now I'm thinking that she is just very harsh on how men act and no one is going to measure up to what she wants.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Mon, 08-11-2014 - 5:28pm

I once asked someone if most people are subpar, or if they thought my expectations were too high of people. The answer was subpar, which is what my gut told me. Sometimes I feel like being a hermit. Everyone's preferences of people can be totally different. I have a good friend and some of the people she has spent time with, I'd rather eat glass than spend time with them. There are some people I really like and she doesn't like them at all. The few people who are pleasant and polite and have their @#$! together make it worth our while, otherwise, yes, we'd all become hermits.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 08-12-2014 - 11:07am

I am starting to feel like I enjoy myself more just doing things with my women friends--less stress and we can just be ourselves.  Of course on the other hand I would still like a romance (and some sex).  And I do partner dancing which requires men.  I went dancing last night and there were a bunch of hot men there, but mostly too young for me--I can understand why older men do go for the younger women. :(  I am just kind of resigned to the fact that I probably will not find someone as a long term partner because there seems to be so little choice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
Tue, 08-12-2014 - 11:39am
I can;t stand it either when people don't take the time to at least call and say they can't make it..or even a quick text..no excuse! There are some people who are lucky enough to have those type of friends who are always out and about together..I don't have it like that. I've been out of the dancing scene for about a yr but will be getting back into it again this yr.I was one who always danced by myself so I don't need to have a partner...I like the freedom of dancing alone :) I hear you about wanting to find someone..but you're at least still going out so it will happen eventually...Why don't you just dance with a young man? Hey old guys are always dancing with younger women so why not??
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 08-12-2014 - 2:30pm

Oh I definitely dance with ALL the young men (and older men)--the thing about doing actual dances that you have to learn (ballroom, salsa, swing, which I do) as opposed to just freestyle dancing in a club, which I would also do with the girlfriends is that you have to have a partner and, if you are good, you get to dance.  Since it's not just about the pickup (like in a club), guys care much less about how old you are or what you look like.  I go to Monday night salsa dancing in a park near work and every week I dance with this guy who is probably late 20's and excellent--he's actually a teacher.  He is in great demand, of course, but he makes sure to dance with me every week, and very romantically too.  Then I have the old Puerto Rican and Cuban guys who are calling me "mami"--it's a big hit when I speak to them in my limited Spanish.  I just like that kind of environment where everybody is friendly and all ages and nationalities are mixing and just enjoying the dance and music.

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Tue, 08-12-2014 - 7:45pm

I am just kind of resigned to the fact that I probably will not find someone as a long term partner because there seems to be so little choice.

This makes me unspeakably sad. But I know exactly how you feel.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 08-12-2014 - 9:23pm

Well you know, most of the time (like 90%) it really doesn't bother me because I can still have a good time going out with my GFs if it's dinner, movies, traveling, etc.  But sure I would like a guy.  There is one guy I dance with who is super hot -- he's in his 60's but looks way younger.  We talk every week but it doesn't seem like anything will happen between us.  But I told him last night that it was my BD and got a nice hug and then he's the kind of guy who dances very close, so that's like my thrill for the night just to be pressed up against his great body.  Isn't that pathetic?  But that's about all that I got right now.

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Wed, 08-13-2014 - 10:17am

Not that I like stating the obvious, but I know generally people get less tolerant as they age. Stuck in ones ways. So as where in years past one would be more ok being in a group that contained people that you didn't necessarily care for, as you get older you more and more dread the idea of hanging with certain people and you actively avoid it.

Your critical friend perhaps has some residual unhappiness about relationships , her current status, etc, so that her unhappiness rubs off onto others.

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Fri, 08-15-2014 - 8:14am

I like nerdy guys!  I don't think I'm alone either.  I can't discredit your friend just because he's not her cup of tea.  As you indicated, to each his/her own.  Was he awkward because he was newer to the group?  Who can say for sure how he behaves when he's completely relaxed and comfortable?  I can't stand a FLAKE!  Biggest pet peeve ever.  The only way I can rationalize such bad behavior is, some people just cannot bring themselves to say no.  I hope you had a good birthday!  I love hearing about all of your adventures ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 08-15-2014 - 1:05pm

Well this is the latest about the guy who my friend didn't like.  N (the woman friend) & I had been talking about how we were going to this salsa festival this weekend--you take classes during the day and then they have a dance party at night--it's 2 days but we are only going on Sat. to try it out, plus we'll probably be exhausted by then, or at least I will.  So I went to my regular dance class on Wed. that this guy said "oh guess what, I signed up for the salsa festival too."  I was not thrilled!  I hope he is not going to try to cling to us (or me) and be my partner at the classes because he is not a very good dancer--I want to learn how to improve and I really can't do that if I am stuck with a guy who is way below my level when there are a lot of other good dancers.  I am hoping the teachers make everybody change partners, which is what most teachers will do, but you never know.  N has no problem with just saying no but I find it hard to be directly rude to someone who I am going to have to see later.  Now I feel like he is kind of a stalker!  lol  Of course if I was interested in him, I would be thrilled.  N mentioned something that I noticed myself that annoyed me--he always talked about himself.  Now I figured he was shy so I would try to draw him out & ask him things about himself and then he would answer, but he never once asked any of the women anything about ourselves.  I realized that I need to be with someone more talkative--I don't want to have to do all the work of the conversation and thinking about new topics.  When I met a guy last year, one of the reasons I liked him was that we got along so easily and had a lot of things to talk about--too bad that he found someone else.

Oh and the guy who didn't come was in dance class also--his mom is in the hospital and is going to have some surgery so he said he had been running around to see her in the hospital.  We ended up going out with him after class to have a bite to eat and a drink and I think he felt guilty about not going out because he paid for us. lol  We had a good time chatting with him--and didn't invite the nerdy guy.  But I figured out that this guy is great for doing something spontaneous--if he is willing and able to go out, he will, but don't make any plans in advance.  there have been many times when he has actually paid in advance to go to a dance and not showed up because something came up or he even forgot about it.