Blowing me off

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2005
Blowing me off
10
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 2:21pm

Hello there!

I got myself into a bit of a situation. And I really want to just snap my fingers and make the feelings go away, but it is hard. Maybe this board will offer some help.

I met this man and immediately had a connection. We spent time together talking, laughing, flirting, etc. (No sex, just some sweet kisses). Suffice to say I fell head over heels, in a month (!).

We had an 'official' date two weeks ago, and just had the best time. Then two days later he tells my friend that he is bad at relationships, he is a workaholic, he doesn't want any pressure, doesn't want things to get serious. (he's 37 and single, i was his first date in a long time). I felt very hurt that he told this to my friend, and not to me.

I got an email a week ago saying that he wants to see me, etc., that there may be a misunderstanding regarding what he told my friend and that he would like to talk to me about the conversation. I told him to call me and yes, we can meet up.

I have heard nothing back from him. I feel hurt by his behavior. I can't change the situation, I can only move forward, but I keep thinking about him, and I am taking it too personally. Does anyone out there have a "magic" piece of advice for me? I feel like a leper or something because of this guy. What did his email mean? Was I so stupid to pick such an unavailable guy to like? He said he liked me too, that I was great, wonderful, etc. I really want this bad feeling to go away.

Thank you for reading this.

I
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 3:12pm

There's no "magic" way to get over someone. It takes time and no contact, and acceptance that the two of you aren't right for each other. In your situation, I would just be telling myself, "oh well, I guess he either wasn't that interested in me after all, or he's got issues that are preventing him from feeling comfortable enough to call me, but that's not my problem" and force myself to stop thinking about him (i.e, change your thoughts whenever he pops into your head). You weren't involved with him for very long so it shouldn't take more than a few weeks to move on.

Why would *you* feel like a leper, though? The guy pretty clearly has some issues, so why assume that his issues have anything to do with you? That makes no sense to me.

He may still get in touch with you. If so, you can decide what you want to do at that point in time, depending on what he says, whether he apologizes for taking so long, stuff like that. But I'd move on in the meantime and not expect to hear from him.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2005
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 4:14pm
Thanks for the advice. I just have to keep telling myself, "it's not me".
I
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2006
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 5:13pm
It is so easy to think, "god it must be me". But the truth is, he does not even know you well enough to make that determination. So just keep reminding yourself that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 5:39pm
Even when you are aware of it not being you it still can be very disappointing and frustrating. I wonder sometimes what the heck is wrong with some people. I find it really hard to date the older I get because the older people are the more baggage/hurt they have been through and the less willing they are to risk their hearts in a relationship. I know because I have dated people like this and witnessed friends get hurt too over people that just disappear off the planet when things seem to be going good. I think a lot of people are cowards and just can't be honest with the other person or themselves. It makes me angry when I hear stories like this because it just hits too close to home and seems so unfair. But on a lighter note, take care of you, you are doing good and you are right, it's him and his issues not you. You did everything in your power to open yourself up to him which means you are capapble of meeting someone else in the future, where as if he keeps guarding his heart he won't get very far.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2005
Tue, 07-11-2006 - 1:38pm
Thank you for that. It frustrates me too!
I
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2006
Wed, 07-12-2006 - 10:54pm

Point blank, he did you a huge favor. I'm sorry this doesn't heal your mind or heart but its the truth. He probably sensed your connection, i.e. wanting to get to know him more and ran. But don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong in you wanting or feeling that, its human to do so when you connect with a person. Another point blank; he told your friend knowing, and I repeat knowing, your friend would tell you. He played the telephone game and unfortunately it wasn't you and him on the line. Honestly, that's a chilling tell of his character and non-ability to be straight with you. Would you have rather it been a year of dating and then he pulled that?

My adive to you, take what you like about him and put it in your "the things/characteristics I like in a man" database, i.e. humor, witt, etc. Contrary, things you don't want to deal with, i.e. the inability to directly communicate. Please don't confuse this with a superficial list, rather quality control. I am wondering, if you are holding on to his ghost because its been a long time since you connected with someone like that and you don't want to go through the "drout" again? If so, then you won't. If someone is cluttering your space then no one else can enter it too occupy it.

My adive to your friend, based on my own experience, when a man or woman tells me something of that nature I always say, "you can tell me all you want but I am not telling him/her. you have to do it yourself" Of course I tell but they don't know that.

Good luck sweetie and remember HE DID YOU A FAVOR!
gg25

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2005
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 6:40pm

Thank you! Yes, it certainly is a tell of his character. And he still has not told me anything! I guess if he ignores me, then I will go away and he never has to have this uncomfortable conversation.

Another problem is that we share many, many friends in common. I am sure to run in to him. Also, my friend (that he told this too) is also his friend. Her and I are certainly better friends, but she does hang out with him and his friends sometimes.

I also found an email between them (we share a computer right now) where she tells him to just let me down easy, be sincere, positive about it, and that this "thing" between us should not cause any worry. He has expressd to her that he doensn't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable and he wants us all to be friends, and be able to hang out.

I feel like if she was a good friend, why give him advice on letting me down easy? She should not say anything about it, even if he asks. I am questioning her motives here...I should never have even seen the email, so I really can't confront her about it. I just feel even more embarrassed that they have talked about this. I know she was trying to reassure him that no one will hate him or anything, but I still wonder....
This is pretty personal to me, so my pride is hurt about this. If he would have just talked to me about this, then I would have felt much, much better about the whole thing. Now, my friend is involved.

I
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2006
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 9:22pm

Aww, Loves Life, I am so sorry to hear your "friend" did that. That sucks! Well, I will not go off the deep end and say that her intent was malicous since I know that people handle things differently. On the one hand, she could have been trying to protect your feelings since she knew it was coming. Therefore, she might have figured for him to let you down as easy as possible since she probably knew how much you liked him. I am feeling very positive today, so I can almost buy that. But, I also don't want to discount your feelings because you know your friend and I know that we women have keen instincts in every area of our lives. So, on the other hand she should have fessed up to her email with him. But, eventually she did spill the beans, right? Sorry, I am going back and forth, that is the Gemini in me. I have to play out both sides of a situation before I make a decision. Ultimately, I am looking at the situation like this, unless your friend is like me in the sense of "dude, you tell her yourself" or a "straight up" typed-person, she probably did what she thought was best at the time. And really, that's all we can do in life. The more I think about it, I figure that your friend is not a "straight up" person (again, "dude cut the bull and tell her yourself and don't depend on me to do it) but that doesn't mean she meant to hurt you. In fact, I strongly believe that he knew this about your friend and chose her to fake "spill his cup of coom-ba-yah". Since you've stated that you share friends in common he could have told anyone of them just the same. Why was she the one? Is it because of her "sensative" nature. That she would have an open ear and relay the message back to you. Uh, I think so. Remember I stated in my previous post that he knew, and I repeated knew your friend would tell you. If this is the case, he is a real ass and thank your lucky stars that you didn't go any further with him. If so, you minds as well put your private life with him on the cover of a magazine--yup instant stardom! If you want to know your friend's intention just ask how it came about that he told her and not you. From there just listen and I mean really listen without judgement or to the voices in your head trying to figure out the next thing/question you are going to ask her. Take it all in, say ok, and thank you! Then you can go into your world and analyze the hell out of everything..lol! Or a more simple solution, drop it! If/when you see him again be sure to tell him thank you and walk away. This may seem weird but when people show us what we want and don't want we should say thank you because we could have been walking through life blinded. In his case, thank you for showing me what I don't want and when you meet "your guy" thank you for showing me what I want can come to fuition. Do you know what I mean?

Now say it with me, he was an ass..err. thank you for showing me what I don't want.

Later LL2005
GG25

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2005
Sat, 07-15-2006 - 2:37pm
Thank you for your keen insight. It really is a blessing that I know this now, becuase it was so early on. It definitely caught me completely by surprise, I must say, so I think that's why I am having a more difficult time accepting it, and also especially since he hasn't said a word of this to me. What a coward. I certainly didn't think he was like that at all. I am also so stubborn, so it is sometimes hard to let go, to see things as they really are instead of what I imagined and wanted them to be. "I just can't beleive it", I kept saying to myself - well, I have to believe it. Sometimes people aren't what we thought and we just have to deal with it. It only went on for a month, so that's not long at all! Well, on to the next love affair...ha ha
I
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2006
Sat, 07-15-2006 - 3:52pm

No problem LL'05! Yeah, it can be hard to not imagine and accept things, people, situations, etc for what they are. Just remember its a learning process and doesn't happen over night. But I promise you, once you learn how to do this everything, and I do mean everything, becomes much easier to deal with. I am not saying you won't ever get upset or even your feelings hurt but the outcome will go from a bruise to a pinch. Instead of questiong, "does he like me" you will start to interact with people and ask yourself, "do I like them?" I have had to learn this and because I kept going against myself it took me a while. But once I started and sharpened those skills I have been enjoying every aspect of my life especially dating men. Oh, the bums, cowards, and liars come in disguise as a nice guy but I learned to listen to them, cut out the fanasty of their words and actions, and ask myself do I like them? Do I like their views, opinons, thought process, does their actions equal their words, how they handles things in their lives...from there I decide if I want to continue or not. Oh, and the most important thing, I don't question if they like me because, honestly, I like me enough for the both of us..lol!

Take care,
GG25