Blown off by friend again...
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| Sun, 09-02-2007 - 1:58am |
I have this friend (if I can call him that anymore) that I also work with who for the past 2 months has blown me off every time I've asked him to hang out or go do something outside of work and sometimes he even blows me off at work. We've even gotten into arguments at work about work related stuff lately. The whole thing is just a mess.
We used to hang out almost evey weekend with somme other co-workers and friends and always had a blast. I was excited to have an active social life. Well in the last two months this guy has started dating someone. Someone who he claims he doesn't even really like that much yet he spends every single ounce of his free time with her and has to check with her before he will make plans with me or anyone else. I've told him that I feel like he's neglecting our friendship, I've told him it hurts my feelings and he acts like he just doesn't care at all about that. He won't apologize to me and all he ever says is, quit taking it so personally. But I can't help it, I've gone from hanging out with people almost every weekend to almost not at all. I feel like I'm losing my friends.
I also have another male friend who just got back togehter with his ex and is now engaged so he never wants to do anything anymore either. And my girlfriends are either too busy with other stuff or don't live anywhere near me anymore. But, at least most of them apologize and try to make time once in a while as rare as it may be.
I keep on trying with all of my friends to get them to do stuff with me but every single time I get blown off. After a while you can't help but start to wonder if it's you, ya know? It especially frustrates me with these two guys who I got to be really good friends with in the last year. I've asked them both if it's something I did, or if it's me, and they say no, but it sure feels that way sometimes. I don't even care if they bring their dates outwith us, or other fiends, I just miss my friendships.
Tonight I got into it with my one friend about all of this AGAIN (yes we've had similar discussions before) and he pretty much told me that he is just doing what he wants to do rather than doing what I'm asking of him (which I don't think is so much to ask). He actually said tonight that he doesn't care that he neglects his friends. He won't even hang out wtih me tomorrow night to go to a movie because he is supposed to play World of War Craft a stupid video game after 7pm.
So thats where I rate I guess, I come after video games, girls he doesn't even really like and everyone else in his life. He didn't like me telling him that it made me angry so he hung up on me and of course never apologized. I'm so hurt, pissed and upset right now. I feel like no one wants to be my friend anymore and now I realize what kind of real friend this guy really is. I don't even know why I bothered for so long with him, he sure isn't treating me the way a friend should. I know at one point he had a crush on me, but I won't date co-workers. I'm not sure if this is what this is about but regardless he's been a complete jerk lately and tonight just felt like the last straw.
Why is it that people feel the need to neglect all their friends when they start dating someone?? I don't do that to people when I'm dating, at least I try not to. I make a point to maintain my friendships. I could understand all of this a little better if he said he actually was really into her, but he says he's not. Thats why I don't understand why he doesn't want to hang out anymore. I just don't get it. At this point I feel like it's a waste of my time to even try anymore. I don't need people in my life who are going to treat me that way.
Sorry this was so long. I just really needed to vent.

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I know what you're talking about, and the bad news is, it's not going to get any easier.
It's just a fact of life: when people start dating someone, they are going to dump their single friends....for the most part. And then when they get married, it gets worse. Then, when they have kids, you basically will never see them.
But I have had single women friends who no longer get together with me. I can say, "Well, they have other interests," but it is hard to not take it personally. However, I think as a single woman, your best bet is to have single women friends.
I have a question about one of your statements:
"We used to hang out almost evey weekend with somme other co-workers and friends and always had a blast. I was excited to have an active social life."
Can you still hang out with the other people that were in this group?
Something to keep in mind: friendship, by its nature, is voluntary. I know you're upset about your friends, but confronting them about it can be very off-putting, and really won't help. Now, I'm an upfront person myself, but I would advise treading lightly here. The fact is, if they are blowing you off all of the time, it's time for you to move on. There's usually no "why" as to why they aren't getting together with you (other than that they are part of a couple), frustrating as that is. And generally, if there really is a "why" they aren't going to tell you because they don't want to hurt your feelings.
What I have stated doing with elusive friends is this: if I invite them to do something, then they have to do the inviting the next time. I don't tell them this, of course. This way, I don't feel like I am always the one doing the inviting and keeping the friendship going. In the past I really didn't mind being the one who did that, but I began to feel like I was coming across as needy.
Take care. --FG
Your social life shouldn't depend on one person. You mentioned that you & he were going out every weekend with other co-workers and friends.
Let's imagine you've just started dating someone.
Florida Girl and Shywon all make excellent points.
Hurt as it may, I would really try to not take it personal and just allow them to be. Also, expand your world. Like Leila says, people do the best they can and it's better to forgive and send them love.
We understand though, totally. All of us need companionship and love.
It sounds like you've chosen friends who don't have the same sense of loyalty you do. There are people out there, men and women, who value their friendships highly--but obviously this guy isn't one of them.
Don't dwell on the poor choices--learn what you can from the experiences and move on.
Sheri
Not that I agree with this but another way of looking at it is that as a good friend YOU can be happy that they found someone that they want to spend all that time with, i.e. it's not all about you.
I myself fall into the camp of being pissed off on the friendship loyalty thing but as Byron Katie says, If you argue with reality you lose each time. So acceptance of the situation is better than getting worked up on What Is.
I find life and relationships are temporal for various reasons. I keep moving, keep making new friendships. It takes a lot of work and time to do that but I recognize reality that people move on with their lives and sometimes that does not include me.
Mark
Thanks to everyone who replied. As for the other friends we used to all hang out with, I'd hang out with them but they keep blowing me off too. Some of them are friends through this one guy and won't seem to do anything unless that guy goes out too. And one of the others ones is the engaged guy I'm talking about. I also don't have contact information for a few of those people because they are people I've only met a couple times through these 2 guys.
Really my problem with this one friend is how he treats the situation. I never used to say anything about him blowing me off until recently. And it's like when I tell him how I feel he has to be a total jerk about it to me. By saying he doesn't really care. Thats the part that angers me the most. That he doesn't even care enough to apologize and say I'll try to do something with you soon. It's really gotten under my skin lately and I'm sure I've brought it up too much but it's like he thinks my feelings aren't even valid.
I have been trying to expand my social circle and I am meeting new people but it just takes time. These new people in my life don't get together with me as often wether it's cuz we don't know eachother that well yet or if it's because they are busy too I don't know. I'm not totally depending on one person to have a social life with, I am trying but no one seems to want to make time for me. And yes, several of these people are single. It's all just very frustrating.
I guess it came down to this one guy because it had just happend to me again last night and it was him who did it AGAIN. He did it to me Friday night too. So it really struck a chord with me. My other coupled up friends don't act like jerks about hanging out like this one guy seems to. Well I guess since he doesn't seem to get it and would rather negelct our friendship I will just have to forget him. It just seems really sad that he has to act like I don't matter.
Ooh, I love that quote--it's so, so true. I am trying to support a friend through a situation where her (now ex) BF cheating on her and lied to her but didn't want to end things (and she has continued to get sucked back in by his crocodile tears), so she keeps saying things like, well why is/was he behaving this way? And I keep emphasizing, that's the wrong question--it's who and how he is, the why doesn't matter. Not liking or understanding it doesn't change what IS.
Sorry, jfur, a bit of thread drift but the strong truth of that quote really struck me.
Sheri
I'd focus on starting friendships with women, instead of men, because they are less likely to substantially change once a significant other gets involved. When male friends start dating someone, they are less likely to continue to go on platonic dates (movies, dinners, etc.) with their female friends because they don't want to stress out their girlfriends. Whereas with a female friend, you can still go out one-on-one to the movies, etc. without worrying about the boyfriend's feelings. I have a close male friend that when we're not dating anyone, we go to concerts together, etc. but when one of us is dating someone, we
I just had to add my .02 as I'm experiencing something similar. I think the majority of men don't want to be made to feel like anything is expected of them. I think this is particularly true of bachelors.
I have had a male friend for a decade and he never calls to check in, to this day. Months will go by and I don't hear from him. I finally just cave and call to see what he's up to, how he's been. I think there's a glimmer of mutual respect inside of him somewhere but either he doesn't know how to show it or he is unwilling.
Even though I go out of my way to not be clingy or needy, I think they can sense it. Just as us women can usually smell a player from miles away. I've finally come to terms with the fact that I've been using him as the man in my life and he didn't sign up for it. If true friendships can and do exist between the opposite sex, I've yet to have it reciprocated in a way that makes me feel validated.
If his flaking etc. is bruising your esteem, maybe it's time for you to move on. Perhaps you should work on building your female bonds?
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