Blown off by friend again...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
Blown off by friend again...
13
Sun, 09-02-2007 - 1:58am

I have this friend (if I can call him that anymore) that I also work with who for the past 2 months has blown me off every time I've asked him to hang out or go do something outside of work and sometimes he even blows me off at work. We've even gotten into arguments at work about work related stuff lately. The whole thing is just a mess.

We used to hang out almost evey weekend with somme other co-workers and friends and always had a blast. I was excited to have an active social life. Well in the last two months this guy has started dating someone. Someone who he claims he doesn't even really like that much yet he spends every single ounce of his free time with her and has to check with her before he will make plans with me or anyone else. I've told him that I feel like he's neglecting our friendship, I've told him it hurts my feelings and he acts like he just doesn't care at all about that. He won't apologize to me and all he ever says is, quit taking it so personally. But I can't help it, I've gone from hanging out with people almost every weekend to almost not at all. I feel like I'm losing my friends.

I also have another male friend who just got back togehter with his ex and is now engaged so he never wants to do anything anymore either. And my girlfriends are either too busy with other stuff or don't live anywhere near me anymore. But, at least most of them apologize and try to make time once in a while as rare as it may be.

I keep on trying with all of my friends to get them to do stuff with me but every single time I get blown off. After a while you can't help but start to wonder if it's you, ya know? It especially frustrates me with these two guys who I got to be really good friends with in the last year. I've asked them both if it's something I did, or if it's me, and they say no, but it sure feels that way sometimes. I don't even care if they bring their dates outwith us, or other fiends, I just miss my friendships.

Tonight I got into it with my one friend about all of this AGAIN (yes we've had similar discussions before) and he pretty much told me that he is just doing what he wants to do rather than doing what I'm asking of him (which I don't think is so much to ask). He actually said tonight that he doesn't care that he neglects his friends. He won't even hang out wtih me tomorrow night to go to a movie because he is supposed to play World of War Craft a stupid video game after 7pm.

So thats where I rate I guess, I come after video games, girls he doesn't even really like and everyone else in his life. He didn't like me telling him that it made me angry so he hung up on me and of course never apologized. I'm so hurt, pissed and upset right now. I feel like no one wants to be my friend anymore and now I realize what kind of real friend this guy really is. I don't even know why I bothered for so long with him, he sure isn't treating me the way a friend should. I know at one point he had a crush on me, but I won't date co-workers. I'm not sure if this is what this is about but regardless he's been a complete jerk lately and tonight just felt like the last straw.

Why is it that people feel the need to neglect all their friends when they start dating someone?? I don't do that to people when I'm dating, at least I try not to. I make a point to maintain my friendships. I could understand all of this a little better if he said he actually was really into her, but he says he's not. Thats why I don't understand why he doesn't want to hang out anymore. I just don't get it. At this point I feel like it's a waste of my time to even try anymore. I don't need people in my life who are going to treat me that way.
Sorry this was so long. I just really needed to vent.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
Sun, 09-02-2007 - 9:19pm

Yeah, I'm trying to make more girlfriends and I have joined some social groups though meetup.com. I've been pretty active with that stuff for several months now. But, lately all the groups I've joined haven't been scheduling any events.

I feel like I'm doing all of the things I'm supposed to do make new friends and enhance the friendships I already have, it just hasn't seemed to pan out too well so far. I don't think I'm socially awkward or anything like that, I just can't seem to make any lasting connections with anyone.

Finding friends is often like dating. It takes a lot of work and patience, something I've been lacking lately. I guess I'm just going through a slump. It was just easy to hang out with these 2 guys before because we worked together were all single and all wanted to do stuff all the time and now that they are dating, or getting regular sex in the one guys case I get pushed aside. I understand that and yet for some reason it bothers me more with this one friend than it does with all the others. The only thing I can attribute to that is he seems to be the only one acting like a complete jerk about hanging out with me. Whereas everyone else at least tries to make an effort every once in a while and is also a lot nicer about it. This guy will lead me on to believe that he wants to do something then will bail on me last minute and it's usually for video games or someone else.
Even though I know this is normal when friends start dating and I knew that it would probably happen it still hurts. Well, thanks for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2005
Mon, 09-03-2007 - 1:35am

The intensity of your annoyance regarding this one guy sounds awfully strong to me. Were you genuinely surprised that he stopped going out with you after meeting someone? Maybe I'm off, but the shift sounds completely normal to me, unless maybe you had been best friends since grade school. It's a bit sad, perhaps, but part of life. And your reaction makes it sound like you had or have a crush on him, too.

Maybe he has said some rude things, but it sounds like you've reciprocated in kind. Perhaps it is good for you to have something of a clean slate in the friends deparartment - after learning some bitter lessons, you can now work on building some close and lasting friendships with people who will stick around. Best of luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
Mon, 09-03-2007 - 7:20am

Ummm make no mistake he likes her despite what he says. My friends brother when he was in college dated a girl he would rag on constantly behind her back about how much he "didn't like" would put her down to whomever would listen, yeah they are married with two kids. So much for "not liking her". If he didn't like her, he wouldn't be with her.

As for doing things he wants to as opposed to what you want to, I don't blame him. If he wants to go and hang out and play video games tonight and you want to go to the movies, so what. It's his life, he is perfectly within his rights to make choices for himself.

Maybe you are demanding too much of their time. I mean there is hanging out with your friends and then there is your friends demanding a lot of your time. If he has several different friends tugging at him he just might have too much juggling going on and there isn't enough time to go around and you just get the short end of the stick it happens. I think if you are finding that these group of friends are blowing you off, then you need to stop asking them to do things because they are being respectful to you, make some new friends or go out with the ones that do respect you and respect your time and don't get upset about the ones that don't.




Edited 9/3/2007 7:24 am ET by lovinhockey17

Smile,

Deirdre

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