Bottling it all up

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Bottling it all up
10
Tue, 10-11-2011 - 10:31pm

I know the stereotype is that women let their emotions out and men hold them in, but I haven't really seen that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2009
Tue, 10-11-2011 - 11:38pm
I hear ya sister! I do the same thing! I have often found that with men, telling them how I feel often makes them defensive and then they start piling on the hurt to give it back when all I wanted to do was share my feelings. When I do share my feelings I have often bottled it up, and when it comes out it comes out in anger because it was bottled up. Not good and certainly not healthy. It just perpetuates a sour mood
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 10-12-2011 - 12:36am

shywon, I can relate. I was raised as being the nice, quiet Asian stereotype. I live the Japanese proverb of the nail that sticks up gets hammered down. Telling our truth is the saying that I have learned. I am very conscious of practicing it but it is a life long effort. I find it easier to do so with friends who accept me and whom we have mutual trust with one another.

I like the Marshall Rosenberg's communication process of NonViolent Communication where we say "I feel ... because I need ... and therefore request that you do ...."

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2009
Wed, 10-12-2011 - 2:42am

Ahhh dealing with anger.

Follow me to Coping with Job Loss

Follow me to Birth Control

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Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Wed, 10-12-2011 - 7:48am

I don't even get to the point of things exploding in anger.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 10-12-2011 - 10:57am

I think it's very good to learn how to express your emotions and not keep them bottled up--I would be the kind to let people walk all over me until I couldn't take it any more and then I'd explode.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2011
Wed, 10-12-2011 - 12:39pm

Good post, Shy.

As for me, I'm a volcano.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2009
Wed, 10-12-2011 - 6:35pm
Seems like Shy is the only one that bottles things up but keeps from exloding. Its interesting that this question revealed that a lot of us revealed that we tend to explode after a while. Perhaps that is one of the key issues we have with dating. I'm always afraid that if I do express discontent, I will get dumped because it has happened to me, even when when I do take the "this is the way you make me feel" approach. Its so unfair, damned if you do, damned if you don't.
Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Wed, 10-12-2011 - 7:33pm
Exactly, Melissa. That's how I feel- it doesn't matter if I express my feelings or not. It won't be the right thing.

I have reasons why I don't explode. Watching my mom's boyfriend explode when I was a kid terrified me. It's why learned to control it so well. Even now, if someone explodes around me I completely shut down- blank stare, won't move, unaware- until the explosion passes and the person leaves. It's why I absolutely will not date someone who has a temper.
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 10-12-2011 - 9:47pm
I believe that is what being with the "right" person is all about. If I use my "I feel..." statements rather than "You make me feel ..." accusations then at least we start off on owning our own sh*t. Of course a lot of people just hear what they want to hear and come off feeling offended, put off, or just plain angry if you express your own angry/disappointment/frustration. It takes patience, dialog, self awareness, personal responsibility and grace which a lot of couples don't have.

Mark
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2009
Thu, 10-13-2011 - 2:36pm
Very true Mark. Or at the very least, somene who lashes out but later acknowledges their reaction was inappropriate. I think its more than the right person, but someone who can learn to take criticism or feedback and respond with the same spirit as the feedback was given. Someone who respects and cares enough to listen.