break up and break out

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
break up and break out
Mon, 08-19-2013 - 11:44pm

My bf broke up with me two weeks ago.  It happened over something I didn't think too much of but this is his pattern. Anyway, I was at his house and brought him dinner. We watched a movie that I wanted to watch. After that I told him about another movie of the same genre and that he could just see the trailer to see if he liked it.  Instead he surfed around. I don't remember the exact sequences but he told me

"I spent 1 1/2 hours watching a movie with you and now you don't want to watch this with me (or something like that).

I said I've spent countless hours watching movies, video games, etc... with you (for some strange reason, it's really important for him that I watched these things with him. In return he would go pretty much where I wanted to go and eat where I wanted to eat) 

He said "that's what a woman is supposed to do"

I said "what if I told you you don't do what a man is supposed to do?"

He: then why do you stay with me then. Leave.

So I got up and left. Because I didn't want him to always be the boss. Either I agree, I apologize or I go. He's not willing to talk/discuss anything anymore. While I was in the car, he called and said "let's break up once and for all, time to move on and find someone more compatible". I said "OK" and that was that. 

This is the bf that I've had an rocky R/S with since May 2009. His main problem is finances. And the worse thing is we can't even talk about it. He's 61 now, works as an attorney in solo practice. My best guesstimate of his takehome income hovers around 80K/year on average. That is without any benefits and practically no holidays and he's not able to put anything aside at all for retirement and no cash reserve. The only thing he has is his house which has a 20 yr mortgage on it. 

I, OTOH, am a doctor, 46 yo, never married no kids, and while not rich, on track financially (no kids, no ex-husband, good income allow for this to happen)

Since very early on in our R/S this was a redflag but I was lonely and I've always been grateful to someone who is kind to me so I kept an open mind and went along with it. I was hoping that his finacial setbacks (two prior marriages that ended badly and left him in bankruptcy the first time and debts the second time and having to support a son all these years - he was responsible and pretty much shelled out whatever the 1st ex-wife wanted for his son).

His son is in medical school now and able to get full financial aid (loans to cover everything) so hopefully he won't have spend too much on him moving forward. But since we broke up a few times and each time, I couldn't stand the loneliness, would come back to him. Each time I came back, I had even less leverage. In recent times, we stop talking about his finances so I have no idea if he's able to save anything for his retirement and what his debt situation is. He didn't have more than $1000 cash and $900 of it was spent on having the trees cut in his yard recently.

We stopped communicating about other things as well b/c he would always shut me up with the attitude that there's nothing wrong with him and I was too sensitive. Overall though despite his disagreement with me, I noticed he slowly over time stopped doing things that annoyed me. But the biggest elephant in the room, the finances, was untouched. I pretty much gave up on it and felt quite hopeless about our future together. Along with the hopelessness, I lost all sexual attraction for him as well. So we were basically companions in the last 7 months or so since we got back together again after broken up for 8 months.

I find it hard to move on. I keep asking myself do I want too much? Is having a good man good enough? I've heard of women who have men who leech off of them, who cheat them, not attracted to them. Here I have someone who accepts me for who I am. My depression doesn't make me the best person to be around either and many times he had to cheer me up and get me out.  And yet when we were together, I felt hopeless about us and resentful for not being able to communicate.

But why doesn't he see that I'm a good woman and try to work things out?

Anyway, I'm so tired and pretty much given up. I saw what some of you said about giving people a chance and breaking out of the mode. I put  a profile on OLD site OKcupid today and got my first email w/i minutes. The guy is average looking, a cop, but the profile sounds like a cool person. But I thought I give it a try so I emaled him back.

there's also another dr. an acquantance at work who appeared somewhat intersted but never asked me out so I don't know. My friend said maybe not intersted enough. There was another man that was intersted ( subordinate to me in position), and asked me to come to his house in front of the clerk. I was not attracted to him althugh he seems nice. I got weirded out that he asked me within hearing distance of the clerk. Never took him up on his offer.

Don't know how to feel what to think/do anymore. I've been praying for insight. Any thoughts?







iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 08-20-2013 - 11:53am

I think that over time, everybody here has told you before that this guy is not a good match for you.  You recognize it yourself but you are only with him because he's the man of last resort.  What kind of a relationship is that?  Any guy who said to me "the woman should do" whatever would not be lasting long with me.  And you know pretty much that his financial situation is not going to change and it seems to be important to you.  I mean the guy is 61--how much longer do you think he's going to work?  It's not like he's making minimum wage-- a lot of people would like to have a job that makes $80,000/yr but your earning potential is greater.  so unless you can accept the fact that at some point you'd probably be supporting him, which might happen if he was a great partner in other ways, forget him.  And you're not even attracted to him.  so forget about him being your boyfriend--maybe you can just be companions who do things together some times, if that would be ok with both of you. 

the question shouldn't be why can't the guy see that you're a good woman--I think the question should be why can't you see that you're a good woman who deserves more than this half hearted relationship?  I do agree with the others.  I think most of us here aren't that satisfied with being single & we'd all like to find someone great.  but in the meantime, you have to figure out some way to be happy in your life w/o having a man.  I haven't had a BF in 5 yrs and have had very few, mostly unsatisfying dates.  But it's a lot better than being w/ my ex in an emotionaly abusive relationship.  And I realize that in these years I've grown because I'm not willing to go out with just anyone just to have a man.  I posted a little while ago about how a man I dated a couple of years ago called me out of the blue and I didn't call him back.  On the few dates we had, I was trying to convince myself to like him since I wasn't dating anyone else and there was nothing glaringly wrong with him--he's actually a nice guy but with space, I realize he was kind of boring and there wasn't much physical attraction.  So I'm not willing to be with someone who is just so-so.  I'm really having much more fun going out with my friends than being on boring dates and especially being in a relationship with someone that you have to convince yourself is not so bad.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2008
Tue, 08-20-2013 - 9:58am

Please take a break from men.  Really.  Most of us feel the worst when we are trying too hard to manufacture something. And though I don't want to be negative, it is far from guaranteed that we will all find someone, through no fault of our own.  You have to be enough for you.  If the right guy comes along, great,  otherwise, it is not meant to be.  Beats banging your head against the wall.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Tue, 08-20-2013 - 9:12am

After a five year relationship, you need a minimum of 6 months to a year to be alone to grieve the relationship and to learn to enjoy your own company for a while. Use this time to reconnect with girlfriends. Take up a a new hobby--cooking, dance lessons, beading, scrapbooking. Do volunteer work. Don't seek out a man for happiness. Build a world of happiness for yourself, and then you may be emotionally ready to share your happiness with someone. When you are ready, try It's a lot less painless than OLD.

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Tue, 08-20-2013 - 8:25am

Become okay with being lonely. That seems to be your motivation for going back to him or looking for someone new. We all get lonely. It's what you do with it that matters. I find that when I've been the loneliest is when I've made some of the best changes in my life, and they never involved men. 

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Tue, 08-20-2013 - 1:32am

 Why do you think you need a man?  Why are you even looking at men who on the face of it are not a good match.  Take some time for yourself.  if you need find a Booty Call or FWB to tide you over while figuring yourself out.  Sometimes it is skin time that may be what is needed.  From your writing it is difficult to see that anything is wrong except it seems you are hard on yourself.  Yes, money can be very hard.  It seems that this has an importance for you.   Think of this;  when I am with some one who is not financially comfortable I feel.....