Breaking Up with a Good Man

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2005
Breaking Up with a Good Man
8
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 11:14am

About a month ago I broke up with my boyfriend of about 5 months b/c something just didn't feel completely right between us. Looking back, the "not right" part was probably due to the fact that he lives in Philly and I live in NYC. I didn't feel like we were able to grow together and become closer b/c we were in different places doing different things. (Plus I work very long hours so the idea of traveling there on weekends or having him bunk up with me in my tiny studio for a full weekend was just too much stress to pile onto my already stressful work week). He talked about having me move there, but I wasn't comfortable making such a sacriface and leaving my entire life here for a guy I only knew a few months. He considered coming to NYC but it never felt like something he really and truely wanted to do.

ANYWAY, so I think these are valid reasons to end a relationship - it's why they say "timing is everything" - but I keep wondering if I made a mistake. He is such a great guy and we really did have a nice chemistry. Now I'm alone again and left to deal with the parade of losers and a$$holes you meet out in bars and I'm wondering if I messed up. So many posts on this board are about girls dealing with or breaking up with men who didn't treat them well and here I am, ending things with a wonderful man b/c of our circumstances.

I think it's too late to get him back (he was very hurt by this, especially b/c I waivered a bit towards the end on how I felt about him) and in reality I don't think I'd be any happier in our long distance situation now but it still feels crappy. I'm pretty surprised at myself for letting a good one go and giving up on us so easily b/c of circumstance.

Oh well. I guess what's meant to be will be and we all have to have hope that things work out in the end!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 11:40am

Give it some time. I think it's totally normal to wonder if you did the right thing after a break up. Just because he's a great guy, doesn't mean he's the right guy.

It sounds like you followed your instinct and your heart on this one. Something didn't feel right. If he is the right one, you two will find a way to make it work when the timing is better. (I am always amazed at how many married people I know who have stories like that - "we dated, we broke up, we got back together and the rest is history."

Sit with it for a bit (a few weeks or more) and see how you really feel.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2004
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 11:58am

There is a difference between feeling lonely and genuinely missing what you had with this man. It could be that you realize you made a mistake or it could be that given a few weeks/months you realize you made the right decision.

Long distance is hard when there is no "closure", eventually someone needs to be willing to relocate. I don't really think anyone ever fits into someone's life completely flawlessly, usually adjustments have to be made and things worked out but they shouldn't feel like a "chore". It sounds like it was simply too much for you to deal with right now.

Don't feel bad, give it a little bit of time, otherwise the feelings of loneliness are mistaken for wanting to get back together and that is where the on/off stuff starts to happen. If you feel like you really miss him and decide you want to give it another shot just make sure it's for the right reasons.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2005
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 12:35pm
Thanks for your response. What you said is very true. It's easy to mistake general loneliness (especially in this cold, gloomy weather) as being true feelings that I miss him. We did break up for legitimate reasons and probably if I REALLY felt like he was "the one" I would have tried harder to make things work despite the distance. It's too bad that we got dealt a bad hand in terms of timing and geography, as it leaves me wondering what things would have been like if we were in the same spot but such is life. He's actually in his last year of med school and it certainly seems like he's going to stay in Philly (or even move to the West coast) for his residency but on the shot that he does come to NYC for his residency, then we'll see what happens.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 3:21pm

Oh, the med school thing adds a whole new dimension...

My ex (LTR) and I broke up during his last year of med school. That whole period of time when med students are applying for residency, etc is so stressful! It is probably better to wait until after he's through that stage and then see how you feel about each other.

You will either find that you have moved on, or that you care enough to try and make it work. Trying to have a relationship with someone during his residency would be really challenging -- you have to have a really solid and strong foundation, I think. I don't think my ex and I would have survived that stage: I would have moved to a whole new, strange city to be with him - just to be home and lonely without him while he worked 36-hour shifts. Ugh.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 5:20pm

As someone who is in a long distance relationship (12 hours) I can tell you that its not for everyone and its the biggest challenge of my life right now. Long distance relationships are incredibly difficult to maneuver and work through. Its expensive if you have to travel, it can be several months between visits and then the 5-10 days together is just never enough. It simply is not for everyone. But the bigger picture...ah the rewards, the end result, and the connection and the relationship that is built in the process...its amazing. But it doesnt work for everybody. If you feel the distance is a factor, then you've identified what many people in that situation feel is the reason for it not working or feeling right. And thats ok. Lonliness and missing him can definitely be confused. Sit on it for a few weeks and see how you feel then. But if the distance really is the issue and you or he aren't willing to relocate to the other, then that won't change and you're probably better off to go your seperate ways.

Good Luck,
Rubyshoes

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2005
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 5:40pm

Actually my longest, most serious relationship was a 2.5 year long distance relationship. I certainly did not love LD then but we worked through it b/c (1) we were younger (2) we were both in law school so though in different cities, we had that common ground (3) we were together almost six months before the distance started so we had a foundation established and (4) there was an end in sight as he was moving to NYC after school. Despite all that, I swore when we broke up that I would never do LD again.

You're right that long distance is not for everyone and takes a lot of work on top of the usual work that it takes to make a relationship grow.

My ex is a great guy and I think we could have had something special if we both lived in the same city. He was here for a full month in August on a medical rotation and we had an amazing time together. I wish he was more inclined to do his residency in NYC (he's actually from NY and his family and most friends are here, so it's not like this idea is out of left field). Probably more than our current LD, I think I ultimately pulled away b/c I was bitter that he didn't want to be in this city, which I love so much and where everything I have is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Thu, 12-08-2005 - 9:27am

Well, the way I see it is, if you're in a long-distance relationship, eventually someone has to move to be closer to the other person.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2005
Thu, 12-08-2005 - 10:07am

We actually went to college together and ran in similar circles but were never friends. We reconnected last May at a wedding. Having a similar background and common friends was what allowed us to move fast and what prompted me to give long distance a try.

I emailed him yesterday just to say hello but I have a feeling he won't respond. It's okay. I think I'm realizing that it was right that we broke up and that any feelings I have now are just general loneliness. Ugh - I always have such trouble being completely alone (which is probably why I'm a bit shocked that I broke up with him in the first place) but things work out in the end.