Breaking it off
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| Thu, 08-24-2006 - 10:45am |
How do I dump a guy if I am not even really in a relationship with him yet.... well to me it's not but I get the impression from the guy that he feels it is or at least very much headed that way.
A girl from work set me up with her brother. He is a very nice guy. He even brought me flowers on our first date. I just feel that he is not my type. I am not attracted to him physically (his clothes, his hair, his facial hair and his cologne makes me sick). Which my aunt said those are all things you could gradually change or that just come from him having more confidence because he has a girlfriend. But I can't go into this hoping he will change and then hoping that will spark something for me. I just feel like there is no chemistry. I understand the first date is always awkward which this one was. Our second date was a disaster, and it seems to just spiral from there. I am not even comfortable when we are on the phone because I don't think that he is. I want someone who makes me laugh and keeps me on my toes not someone who I have to carry the conversation with all the time or I am afraid of hurting his feelings with something a may say. I get the impression that he agrees with everything a say, any opinion I have just because he wants me to like him more. I don't want that. I don't want someone to change their ideas or beliefs so that they think I will like them more. I feel like our conversations are so generic, there is no substance to them. He keeps making these last efforts to hang on to things. Last night I got a phone call hoping I got home alright and saying how much he enjoys my company and loves being with me. The sick part is that if I were interested in this guy I would think it's the sweetest thing ever but because I am not I find it annoying and petty. (not petty I don't know what the word is) It makes me feel even more guilty about wanting to break things off.
I don't think it's fair to him or to me to carry on into a relationship because I feel guilty about breaking it off with him. I need some advice on how to do it gently. How do I handle the sister now who set us up? Thanks.

The next time he calls to ask you out, say something like, "I'm sorry, but I just don't think we are a good match, so I'm going to say no".
And let his sister know that you appreciate the setup and you think her brother is a great guy, but he's just not a good match for you. If she presses for details on why, I'd just say something like, "it's nothing I can put my finger on, I just didn't feel we were a match". The last thing you want to do is say *anything* critical of her brother.
Sheri
I do not believe in going into long, detailed justifications or explanations when it is just not a match. I would say, that you appreciate his interest but you do not think it is a match and good luck. That's it. If he presses you for more detail on WHY then you can just say that you are not comfortable in being pressed to justify your decision, thank him again and wish him well, goodbye.
You can say the same to his sister sans the goodbye LOL.
Mark
I agree with Sheri and Mark - just say that you don't feel that you two are a good match.
It will sting for him - it always does. You can't avoid hurting his feelings, but it is so much better to be honest with him now than hurt him worse later.
I also agree with Sheri to be tactful when telling the sister. The phrase Sheri used sounds just perfect - something you "can't put your finger on."
AJ, enjoying life with C.