Brother-in-law Woes

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2006
Brother-in-law Woes
5
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 11:16am

I need some advice on how to handle this situation. My sister is a little older then me and lives in Michigan, where I am originally from. She is married and just had a baby. Well, I know her marriage is strained. Her husband has two girls from a previous marriage. Last week, I get this email from him saying that he saw my pictures from 4th of July and I was very TAN. I'm actually not that tan. He went on calling me Miss Coppertone and that the tan brings out the blue in my eyes. That my sister is the same, but she just burns and goes back to pale. Then emails me another day asking if he can come live with me when my sister wants another baby. To find out later that day that my sister has decided to only have one baby. He was telling me that he thinks I am cute and attractive. Well, to say the least, I got really defensive and told him that I felt uncomfortable with all this.... He had basically been emailing me everyday last week and most I just ignored. It just seems that his emails are risky. Meaning that they could become not so innocent easily, if I were to let it become that way.

So my question is this... Am I over-reacting, meaning is this more innocent that I think it is?? Should I say something to my sister and risk hurting her when I don't even know if there should be anything to worry about? My sister is very sensitive and lacks self-esteem and she does not handle things very well. I am afraid if I say anything, it would ruin their marriage(worse then it is), when I don't know if there is anything to worry about. I do know that because my sister has low self-esteem, he tends to think I am the same way. That I need encouragement, when in reality, I am fine. I do not have low self esteem so he should not be worried about trying to "lift me up" because I take it as creepy.

So my question is this, am I reading into this? If not, how do I handle this??

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 11:29am

It sounds like he's certainly testing the waters to see if you're interested in taking it farther.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2005
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 11:31am

I think you thoughts are totally in line. My only question is, do you guys have a close friendship? If not then he is totally out of line and i think you may want to mention something about this to your sister. My sis is my best friend and although i am very good friends with her husband if he started make odd comments that made me feel uncomfortable and didn't stop I would definatly tell her.

Good Luck

Michelle

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2006
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 11:36am
Are we close friends?? Yes and no. He knows that my sister and I are very close. Almost to the point that he knows when I come to town, he has to take the back seat. We're close because I try to help with with some of the issues he and my sister have. I have tried to give him advice, because I am the only one who knows my sister the best. In that aspect, yes we're good friends. But other then that, I would say no. Outside of my sister, we don't have anything is common.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2006
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 11:44am
Well, without really telling my sister what happened, I told her that I did not want him emailing me all the time. I really reacted poorly because I freaked out. It just seemed that ignoring him, made him more bold. So I told him that if he needed to talk about anything, that he needed to just ask because I am too busy to read between the lines. Then he just told me that he did not need advice and wanted to tell me that he thought I was cute and attractive. I had asked him before to stop picking on me, because I took it as crossing the lines.... But he just then told me that just like his daughter, when a guy pick on you, it is a compliment. From there I said thanks, but it made me feel strange. Since then I have not heard from him. It's almost like if it were innocent, he would have made more of a point to make me realize it was. And I caught him in a little fib. She has decided to not have anymore kids, so why is he telling me that he still feels pressured everyday? Then she emailed him asking why he is talking to me about having more kids, when she has decided to only have one and his reply was that he comes to me for advice sometimes... Well, none of those emails he sent all last week were not advice seeking emails.... I just don't get it. The unfortunate things is, I really thought he was the GREATEST guy... Meaning that he loved her so much that he would never step over the line. Now I questions how much I respect him.
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 2:29pm

I do not believe in getting in between people when there are issues involved. This is a rule-of-thumb I use for everyone, e.g. my children, at work, between lovers. If there is an issue, question, etc. between the two people then I tell them to take it directly to that person. I do not give advice. I may ask questions but the people in my life know better than to ask me what to do or if they are "right." I just ask questions so they can get to their own truth.

Insofar as getting compliments, I question what is the point of giving them. I look at the underlying motivation, agenda on why he would give them.

From a guy's perspective, I see him hitting on you.

Mark