Called too femmenine after 1 month??

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2007
Called too femmenine after 1 month??
16
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 3:33am

I'm 28 good looking, have my degree in economics. I have never had a problem getting a date asking a girl out but once they get to know me they leave. They claim im too femmenine and can't handle it. I'm not gay never will be. I grew up around manly women and never really became a manly man I guess. I'm sucessful in life carry a well paying job and have my own house. Most women on first impressions see me as being femmenine once they see me walk and talk and the things I talk about.

What can I do? I'm tired of dating since it always leads me no where in the end. Do I have to be an ass to get anywhere? Is the nice guy the wrong guy?

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Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 8:43am

Hi Mark,

First of all, don't become an ass.

I'm wondering what it is that is so feminine about you. You indicate that it is the way you walk, talk and the things you talk about. OK, so if you "swish" when you walk and you "look gay" in other ways, I can see how a woman might become confused. I know women who have become unknowingly involved with gay men who were really in denial and struggling to go straight, but it never works in the end. But you say you are straight.

As to what you talk about...what is it that you talk about that makes them think this? Perhaps you are into art, theater and cooking (which I would find wonderful) and the women you are meeting are just not into that sort of thing and associate it with gay men. Perhaps you aren't coming on to the women enough. And by this, I don't mean trying to wrestle her into bed early on, but making "sexually appreciative" (but tasteful) remarks to her.

You could certainly find a way to dress and style your hair that would be more "masculine." Perhaps that could be a place to start. If you have a slight build, perhaps you could work out more, although this might only go so far.

You really can't fundamentally change who you are, but you can make some changes to the outside package. I would say the same thing to a woman who didn't dress cute or wear makeup. Do you have a male friend who could "coach" you in this area? I remember reading a self-esteem book by David Burns where he described "taking lessons" in college from a male friend of his to become more "studly" and it worked for him.

But, you may just not have met the right woman yet.

Hope some of this helps, good luck to you. --FG

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2007
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 11:10am
I have had girls say I need to walk with my head in the air like I can take on anyone. Its a confidence look. My hands arn't ruff just naturally my skin is soft. The way I hold a women I have been told isn't manly. I guess I don't play the game of chase?!?!? I do work out infact I have been bodybuilding for 6 months. I have been told I need to look more streight faced I guess pissed off? I have been told that I kiss differently. ALthough, I have been told that I'm an wonderful kisser but some women have told me it seems girly. The last girl said I needed to make mroe sexual passes I guess be more agressive in the sense that I don't condsider a womens body as her own but more of a sexual object that I need to dominate.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2006
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 11:28am

To me it honestly just sounds like a matter of opinion....you say that some girls say that you're wonderful at some things and some girls say you should work on it (do you really ask every girl these things? Just curious). Feminine does not equal nice, ie you're wrong when you say to us that the nice guy is the wrong guy. That doesn't seem to be the issue here. Personally, I would have a difficult time dating a guy who wasn't more masculine and into, at the very least, watching sports because, well, I AM into watching sports so it's more of a common interest thing. Though I dress and act feminine, for the most part, I'm really more of a guy's girl, so dating a more feminine, "metro" man, if you will, wouldn't make much sense for me. However, I know a LOT of girls that would be beyond thrilled to meet a guy who's NOT into sports, who IS more sensitive, who DOES care what he looks like and so forth. Perhaps you should re-evaluate the types of girls you're dating...

Anyway, I wouldn't change if I were you, you'll meet someone who appreciates you as you are. Though, if confidence is an issue, you could try to become more confident, at least outwardly...do walk with your head held high (not necessarily a dominant male thing, I think this is a general confidence thing, for women and men), do be a little more aggressive when it comes to women (when a guy doesn't make a move for months - or however long -I don't think he's being nice, I think he's not interested). Other than that, be yourself.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 11:55am

I dated someone briefly in college who is like you describe.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2007
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 12:29pm
the last girl i dated was overly sexual and always nagging for sex I got turned off and she eventually turned it into a way of saying I was gay for not wanted to have sex with her all the time or at least sexual all the time.
Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 12:38pm

Well, to be honest, most men are horny all the time and are pretty much up for it anytime, especially in the beginning.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2007
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 1:15pm
I have felt the intense disire for her just the nagging has turned me off. I can be stubborn and the more she naggs the more i don't want to do it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2003
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 8:18pm
Wow! It sounds like you are really frustrated and rigtfully so. It's not like these girls are leaving you because you are some horrible person, they are living because you are not masculine enough. The truth is, yes there are women out there who like the so called "feminine" type of guys but majority of the women I know like their men to be masculine. Relationship for women is a little bit of a protective area. In order words, we like to think that we are protected in our relationships. That when all hell break loose, our man will take charge, fight off the bad people and protect us. It's hard to see that when the guy is feminine. That does not mean the guy can't do all the stuff the masculine dude can, it's just that for the women, it's hard to picture the security. On top of that, feminine looking guys are now associated with being gay which is not true because I know gay guys that are very masculine. My concern is not how you look but it's when you say the girls also comments about the stuff you talk about. I kinda wonder what exactly you are talking about. Masculine or feminine, metrosexual or not, I don't think any girl wants to hear their boyfriend break down the laws of manicure and pedicure routine to them. I don't know exactly what you talk about that also concerns the ladies but I agree with some of the responders, don't change who you are. If you are comfortable in who you are, the right person will come along. I totally understand your frustration because I know of women, who are quite masculine looking and have difficulty attracting men because some how, they assume they are lesbians which is ridiculous!! I wish I had a hardcore advise for you but I don't. Just stay true to yourself and the right person will come along.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2007
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 9:56pm
yeah i get the protectionj thing.. they dont feel protected. the last girl i dated felt protected from her last ex cuz he was an ass therefor no one would mess with him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 6:40am
Awww that poor guy, he probably wasn't that experienced.

Smile,

Deirdre

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