can I have a shoulder to cry on?
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| Thu, 07-26-2007 - 12:50pm |
I know I don't post here all that often, but my overdramatic self would really appreciate a few kind words ...
I've been dating my bf for about a year and a half. We've been apart a couple of times, and I can sense that he's reluctant to move the relationship on any farther, i.e. living together or getting married. He is, nonetheless, a caring, lovely and wonderful person, and our relationship is wonderful for what it is. But I know I won't be ok with that forever. Last night, we were talking on the phone, and for whatever reason, I just asked him if we were going to have this same relationship forever, or if he'd ever really want to share his life for me, and if he ever even thought about it. He told me he did think about it, but he'd have to think more and we could talk in person later.
Well, I can guess well enough what the answer will be. I don't want to lose him, and I feel like an idiot for saying what I did, especially when I knew what saying it would do. I knew I would need to move on at some point, but I also know I'm not ready to move on now. I feel so weak and crumbly right now, it's pathetic. I wish I could be stronger and more reasonable, but right now I can't.
Anything you'd feel like saying, I'd really like to hear it. Thanks so much.

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I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. I guess you need to decide if you can really be happy with things as they are.
But don't jump to any conclusions before you two have a chance to talk, either.
Sheri
I've been in your situation before with a man like that. We were together for 3.5 years before I realized it wasn't going anywhere. Each time I wanted to have the talk with him, where is this going? Where do you see us a year from now? He'd string me along, saying things like, it'll happen when it's time, I'm just not ready right now. It would annoy me and make me so upset. I realized that I was wasting time with him. We never did get married.
Don't beat yourself up for wanting to have the talk to see where your relationship is going. Lots of girls don't do this for fear of rocking the boat. Then they're angry with themselves for staying so long in a dead end relationship letting time just go by. But you've only been with him for a year and a half. That's still a short time to me. Maybe he needs another year but after 2 years, I'd think he ought to know what he wants and if he's not expressing that to you, then well you have your answer. You need to decide if you can live with all he has to give. Hope I made you feel a little better.
Moving in together is NOT a step further. It may seem like one, but it isn't. It's a non-marriage of convenience. I don't think I need to cite statistics as to what eventually becomes of live-in couples.
I lived with an ex for two years before she gave me an ultimatum and moved out. And it was only after she moved out did I realize I had taken her for granted and slowly stopped investing enough time and attention on her. Major major mistake. I actually respected her more for giving me the boot. Anyway I tried my best to win her back later but it was too late. She had already moved on (though now back to being single again. Hah ! )
I AM NOT GOING TO DO THAT AGAIN. The next woman who sleeps in my bed on a daily (or nightly) basis is going to be the WIFE (as soon as I find her) and no one else. If you are just a comforting pillow to a man who doesn't deem you worthy of committing to, you are wasting valuable time. Sure it's temporary comfort to you too but it's also a road to nowhere. You will feel really cr**py when one of you has to move out.
>>I don't want to lose him<<
There is your real problem. You are trying to negotiate from a position of weakness. When you negotiate from a position of weakness, you LOSE. Always. Whether it's with a significant other, or with terrorists (sometimes the two are not that different). Do not ever lower your sense of self worth. People do not like to be with people they do not respect.
Edited 7/26/2007 3:47 pm ET by c2shiningc
Thanks so much, Sheri. I am often happy with the way things are, but there is something that is pushing me for more. I would like to be married, and I don't know if that's even on the table with this man. It is difficult, though, to leave something that does bring me such happiness in the search of something different.
Right now I am working on your second piece of advice. It will be a little while before we'll have the chance to talk, and I'd prefer to use this time to think calmly about what I really do want and to not put words in his mouth or thoughts in his head that aren't really there.
Thanks again.
Thanks for sharing your experience - it's really helpful.
I understand what you are saying about moving in. Moving in would be quite a step for us, because he has a daughter who visits on weekends, and my living there would mean she would know for sure that we're not just friends and that I'll be a part of her life and not just a visitor. I suppose I am mainly just looking for a statement that says "I want you in my everyday life for a long time." If we established that, I guess we would go from there as to how we move forward.
You're right, I guess, that I am negotiating from a point of weakness. I do know that, and he probably senses that also. At the same time, this is not a business negotiation. He loves me, and I know he has my feelings in mind and I also believe he cares about what is best for me. If I were to act as though I didn't care about losing him, it would be just that - an act.
I agree with Sheri that you shouldn't jump to conclusions. Perhaps there is a very positive ending to your story and he would rather not tell you what you would hope to hear in person. Of course, not worrying is easier said than done though!
I realize all relationships are different, and I base the second part of my response from my experience in what may be a similar situation. I asked the same type of questions of my boyfriend of over 2 and 1/2 years and a response similar to what you are receiving- lets talk about it another time, I'm not ready yet, and so on. I even got the you are the person for me, I want to be with you forever, and even that he did see us getting married and yes did plan on asking me. But time would pass between the conversations or he would change the subject, and I even got a hint that I didn't process at the time (we only saw each other on weekends and he made comments twice that he didn't want me driving home upset). I can't change what happened, and I'm pretty much over feeling like I "wasted" my time (there are so many positives from time together, think of those times instead), but I can say what I would now do if I found myself in a similar situation. I would give it the subject some time and let him bring it up. If he doesn't, then I would probably wonder where the relationship is going. It has only been a year and a half, but really, after that much time with someone, you should have a feeling whether this is someone that is lifetime potential. If he can't give you that answer, I think that is an answer in and of itself.
This is the way I see it.
I really like your analogy, shywon. Yes, I am just asking to see what road we are on, and truthfully, it bothers me more than a bit that I don't know whether we're on a trip to nowhere or not. That I really do have to ask him I think says that he at least is not enthusiastically on a road to somewhere with me.
I wish that emotions weren't so strong and befuddling. I am at the place in my life where I would like to be on the road to somewhere with someone, and it would probably be best to not spend my time with someone who's not on the same road as I would like to be.
Thank you for your sound advice. I wish it were easier for me to put into practice. Losing this man would be very very difficult for me. And I don't think finding someone else will be that easy. I am glad I have some time before the talk, and I am really thankful for everyone's responses. It's so nice to have people willing to listen to my woes and help me to see things more objectively. It's a great comfort.
I am trying hard not to jump to conclusions, though it is really really tough. I wanted to be calm during this time, but my body seems to have other plans for me. I'm making it through, but my mind is racing with all the awful possibilities. I'm trying to figure out how it will be to be single again, if maybe i could take back the things I asked my bf, if I will ever find someone who wants to marry me, etc. I know these questions can't be answered now, but it's hard to get a hold on them. Darn emotions.
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