Can you back up a relationship?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Can you back up a relationship?
6
Wed, 10-08-2003 - 3:41pm
I also posted this on the Dating Doyenne board but I wanted mixed feedback. So if any of you can help that would be great.

I'll try to keep this short.

I met a great guy. Great qualities and everything. The only drawbacks are that he is going through a divorce (although they have been separated for 2 years) and he has a 4 year old. He married her because she was pregnant and wanted to be there for their daughter. And even now he has her most of the time. His wife and him get along for the daughter too. Very responsible.

I have to admit that I started pushing things with him quickly because I missed being with someone. I had broken up with my ex of 4 years 6 months prior. We are still good friends. It was nice to have someone there. Looking back I know that I was trying to replace my ex and now I feel that I am going too fast and I am going to destroy a very good thing. A month after we started dating I was drunk and said that I was starting to love him. He reciprocated and now says it all the time. I try not too. He said that he would like to spend the rest of his life with me and while that is really sweet his is still married. I have never been married and no kids. I am scared of becoming the "stepmom" and I really don't want children. But at the same time I would still like to date him. Maybe get to know him better than I do. It has all gone so fast so how do I put it into rewind without hurting his feelings or him thinking that I want to call the whole thing off? Can you back things up without destroying it?
Lilypie First Birthday tickers
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-08-2003 - 4:43pm
I would say even if this guy had been separated for ten years he is completely off limit until his divorce is final for a year. Good for you for being so self aware - simply tell him that it has gone too fast for you and you want to see him once a week and talk once a week - once his divorce is final for a year - until then you are happy to talk to him once a month for a short time just to catch up.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-08-2003 - 6:54pm
i actually agree with deena. technically, he's still married, eh?

while it may hurt your chances at a relationship with him were you to back up from your current stance, there's even a greater chance that things will sour because you've rushed into things too quickly.

i think you need to figure out if you truly like this guy, or if you like the idea of being with him...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2003
Wed, 10-08-2003 - 7:17pm
Had I not looked at your profile about a week ago, surely I would have realized by your last post that clearly you are Canadian, eh.

jhoover

(apologies to the OP for going off topic)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2003
Wed, 10-08-2003 - 7:17pm
I also agree with deena's advice.

jhoover

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Thu, 10-09-2003 - 1:39pm
So thank you for your advice. Yes he is still technically married and I haven't taken that into account untill now because he is so adamantly saying that it is over. It wasn't until last night that he was telling me how mad he was at his ex that I realized there are still feelings there. Thin line right? I do genuinely care about this man and I don't want anything bad to happen. I will have the "talk" with him tomorrow night when I see him. It will hurt us both now but be better in the long run because there will be less sour grapes. And maybe we can remain friends. ho hum. Thanks everyone for your advice and support.

And unfortunately no I am not canadian. Born and raised in Colorado. Beautiful here right now with the changing of the leaves in the mountains.
Lilypie First Birthday tickers
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2003
Thu, 10-09-2003 - 3:45pm
I hope that all goes well during your "talk." Let us know how it goes.

jhoover

BTW, sorry about the misunderstanding re. the "Canadian" comment. It was actually directed at thethimble (who is Canadian) b/c he used the word "eh" in his post (a word - or "non-word" commonly used among Canadians):-)

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