Cant even have a FWB!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Cant even have a FWB!!!
10
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 9:24pm
I ve decided lately that I dont mind having a FWB until the real deal finally appears.
I ve been single for a year and a half. In that period, I had few FWB but none of them remained friends with me. I figured guys feel offended when you tell them you only want a short-term thing. If I pretend otherwise, they wont mind using me for sex only. But if I am honest and tell them I m ok with sex only and in fact it is all I want with them they feel offended or used and start acting like weirdos.
I dont meet anyone who is remotely close to what I might consider a BF. And dont want to sit around bored and feeling old for the rest of my life! I m in this with another girl friend of mmine. She tells me men get scared away when they find we are not desperate for a serious relationship.
I would like to know the opinion of men on this board?
We both are mature (early 30's), financially secure, independent, good looking, with diverse interests, well travelled and educated... so why do men hate to have us as FWB!!!
could it be that men dont want FWB anymore because they loose the priveledges they get from the relationship?
It is frustrating sometimes
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 10:40pm

Wait a minute. I want to make sure I am not confusing the situation here... You are confused because you are in your early thirties. You are succesful, attractive, cultured, traveled, intelligent(and I can go on) and you are confused why men DONT want just a FWB relationship with you?? I am more confused by the fact that you are confused by this.....

Have you thought, just for a second, that maybe you are the total package and this is why men want more from you? Maybe you scare men off because they're at a point in their lives when they want more, but you don't. I think it is great that you are up front with them, but is it also sending them the wrong message? Or is it telling them that they're not worth your time and they don't want to get hurt. There could be many possibilites, but I don't think it really revolves around men not wanting a FWB thing,because trust me, they still do and I can give you a number of a guy if you would like(kidding). It could be that you need to start looking to the younger guys if this is really what you want in the meantime.

I don't know, but I am sure some where you do know the answer to this. Sometimes questions are so simple, they're not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 11:08pm
maybe I was not very clear. I meant they would not mind it if I pretend I m interested in more but as soon as I say bluntly: No I m not looking for a relationship ("either" sometimes) the guy looses interest or become distant and feels awkward. Like I have to lie in order to flatter their ego. Sometimes, I get the impression that they dont want to be serious either but they act shocked that I feel the same. Younger guys are worse kuz trust me they get attached quickly and they can be lots of trouble. I m concerned kuz it s been 17 months I had no interest in being with any one at all. And working in a small company does not help either! maybe I should change jobs or cities!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 11:23pm
Well I can tell you for sure, there is not a shortage of guys who just want a FWB thing.... Maybe you need to go into a relatinship with somebody with just a physical thing from the start, so not to confuse things.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Wed, 05-31-2006 - 9:21am

Cannot at all relate to your problem. There seems to be endless amounts of men looking fo FWB relationships where I am and you'd be hard-pressed to find a guy that wants anything more.

Don't know what to tell ya.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Wed, 05-31-2006 - 10:04am

Hi Juliara,

I know exactly what you're saying. These days, it's the men who get attached and surprised that girls want sex only, not the other way around. The idea that women get attached while men use them for sex is actually a myth, perpetuated by society (at least here in America)!

In fact, most of my friends are very taken aback and confused when they find out that the girls they're dating want something casual. They try even harder to please them and be with them... and the girls get even angrier at them.

It's been happening so often that now I just laugh when I hear people say these platitudes about dating, that "women want a relationship while men want sex." Very often false, in my and my friends' experience.

As to your question why that is, one reason is cultural brainwashing; they've been brought up with the belief that women only want serious relationships or marriage. Another reason is lack of sexual education. Nobody taught them that women are just as sexual as men (if not more). An interesting historical note: Veils in the Middle East were designed because men were afraid to see lust in women's eyes (i.e. afraid of female sexuality).




Edited 5/31/2006 11:02 am ET by ukw1980
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-31-2006 - 11:04am

Wow, that's really interesting...and so, SO different from my (admittedly limited) experience--the two guys I had flings with in recent months were turning cartwheels when I said I was ok with that (but maybe they realized I really *wasn't* ok with it, deep down? Hmm--that's a little too heavy to think about ;-)).

I'm curious, what "privileges" do you think men get from a relationship that they don't get from a FWB arrangement? You lost me on that one...I thought the whole point of FWB was that they get the privileges of a relationship (sex and companionship) without any of the obligations.

Maybe it's a double standard with the guys you've dealt with? They don't like women being ok with just sex? Who knows...in any event, I don't think you'll have a problem eventually finding a guy who's ok with it.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Wed, 05-31-2006 - 7:14pm
It's murphy's law. When you are looking for an FWB then all you find are men that want relationships, when you are looking for a relationship you get the opposite. I say act like you are attached to the guy (like you said lie) and make him feel like he's the best thing that ever happened to you then trust me, they'll either want to just have sex with you and nothing more or leave you, one of the 2 but if you tell them you are ok with sex only I'm sure they'll comply. I swear as soon as I tell a guy I care about them, they either run for the hills or would rather keep it a casual thing with me. Lovely, you have to do the opposite from what you expect it seems.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Wed, 05-31-2006 - 7:57pm
men are confusing...if you want a relationship.they run away...anything casual and they seem to get pissed at that too...i don`t want any kind of relationship or committment...yet guys act like you weird if you just want to have fun..i guess they don`t like to share..yet they feel when they do it,it is because they have lots of love to go around......LOL
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Wed, 05-31-2006 - 11:37pm
I meant by priveledges things you would do to a boyfriend and not to a FWB like making dinner, worrying about him, listening to his problems... I would care about a FWB but I would not go out of my way to help... I just know that men are usually very priveledged in relationships. They have someone who spoils them...
I m not fond of FWB but with the lack of someone worth having relationship with!
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 12:44am

Ah, ok, thanks for explaining that!

Sheri