Can't get my feet under me....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2012
Can't get my feet under me....
10
Thu, 08-02-2012 - 4:35pm

I hate this bipolar stupid f*ing brain.   

I guess I am going back to therapy(and I HATE therapist shopping).  Althought there is nothing really WRONG in my life there isn't a whole lot that is GOOD.  Or at least I am just not able to see it.   I am not generally a negative person but other than my kids (3 out of 4, at least)  I just can not  find any Joy, Happiness, Positive...

Sometimes I can find things to laugh about and have momentary bright spots but they are so far and few between.  

The medication that I am supposed to be taking make mornings a nightmare and leave me zombie like.  No singing, no jokes, no flirtations.   So back I go to try yet another string of meds to find something that works and lets me be ME.  It is just getting worse the older I get, why is that?

I have to do something.  I go to work (some happiness there) and then I come home.  I have no joy in cooking, gardening, reading, meeting up with friends....I just want to close the doorsand curtains, pour a stiff drink and hide out. 

I can force myself to do most of the things that I MUST DO-   Saturday my youngest dd and I went to see Beauty and the Beast (touring musical)  It was so good, we had a great time together and went to dinner with my middle dd and granddaughter.  We actually saw some extended family while at dinner and my cousin was showing me the pics of my nana and other great uncles in these HS sports pics all over the wall.  It was kinda neat.

Until I got home.  I just shut down again and it felt like it was just emotional overload.    Or something.  I just don't know. 

I need a change,  I need to find my happiness and some inner peace.  I need to get over the past number of years of singledom and finally forgive myself for blowing up our lives.   I need to move toward repairing relationships, finding a man of my own,  just finding that spark in ME.   

Why don't I care about most anything?   I really thought that after being in relationships since I was 15,  that these past 6yrs would have been a good thing.   I just feel alone.  And lonely.  And depressed.  And sad.  And scared...

Sorry for the rambing on...I just don't want to talk to people IRL.  I don't want people to know that I am falling apart, that I am not who they think I am, that the person in public is only who I want to be not that lonely, heartbroken and aimless woman who doesn't know how to pull herself up by the bootstraps and get back to being herself.   

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2012
Sun, 08-05-2012 - 5:11pm

Thanks...I will bring that up.   No one has ever offered a remedy to the weight gain.  Ever.  

I have used many meds that are off label.   Thank you.    I will reallly have to talk to them about my concerns and be a lot more proactive.....over the years I have had to push for answers and it's not an exact science. 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Sat, 08-04-2012 - 9:10pm

You can add Topamax or Zonagran to your regimen to counteract the weight gain. I haven't done research into this. Most likely off-label use but lots of off-label uses work and are generally accepted standard of care. Discuss with your psychiatrist.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2012
Sat, 08-04-2012 - 4:46pm

We all need coping mechanisms.  Some more than others.   I do think that is something I will discuss in therapy!   I don't feel that I need to be in therapy all the time but right now, to have to be accountable, to have fresh ideas and a new routine...yeah.   Like I said, there isn't anything terrible but just feeling like I do - I need a change and I just don't feel I can do it on my own.  

It's not fair to dump it on anyone else but a paid professional!  :smileywink:

And my personality really is BIG, I have had a lot of joy and happiness in my life and I want that back.

Maybe there is a support group locally that I can hook into and find some inspiration.   It's such an individual thing - I know of two close work assoc who are afflicted but we have a LOT of differences too.

Thank you.   It's good to know that I can find the road home...again.

I hate finding a good fit with a therapist and I hate the med routine.   Sometimes it really feels like Russian roulette!   I don't want to gain any more lbs...I don't want to feel like a zombie...have no sex drive.  Ugh.   

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Sat, 08-04-2012 - 5:39am

I have a close friend with bipolar 2. She's doing very well - even better than me - but has been through several trials of medication. She's not even in therapy. She's developed routines around the house to keep her busy, gets involved with friends, make a point not to focus on negative things. She needs the meds, that's for sure but besides that she's developed coping mechanism as well. Sleep is of utmost importance. It's hard. I can't do it now but she can. It's complicated really. Not only the mental illness plays a role, your personality, trauma of  your upbringing, other co-morbid conditions all play into how well you can manage your illness.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2012
Fri, 08-03-2012 - 8:06pm

Really  - thanks to all.   It's been a hard couple of months for me.   I know I need to get back to meds, but what was working before isn't working now.   

I was doing well for almost two years med free....I know bipolar isn't something you can win against.  I do realize it's my life now but I just need to find the combo of meds and doc that works.   And I am sure that I will go med free again b/c that's what we do.   

I have what is called soft bipolar  (or bipolar II)   My swings happen but my up times are not full of buying, sex, hearing god... my hypomania is horrible....depresssion, anxiety, paranoia - just a real mixed bag.  That's where I am crawling out of.

The depression is never suicidal and was misdiagnosed for years as situational/seasonal.   It took over a year of therapy to realize there was more than depression going on.

Anyway - mental illness is not something I am proud of but I need the people in my life to be aware of who I really am and why these things are happening and I wish to god I was always in control.  

I really don't want it to mean I am *doomed* to be alone.   There must be someone out there who has the patience, understanding or something to give me a chance once I am balanced.   And realize I will become unbalanced again and again and it doesn't have to be a death knoll on the relationship

I stayed single because I believed it was all me and my bipolar that blew up our lives.   It took a few years of therapy to realize what his role was.   He was not completely blameless but I really let myself take all the blame.      I will never say it was a 50/50 thing.   But I should not have shouldered 100%, 90%, 75% of the blame.   I will take 60%.   I was more wrong.  And I can live with that and wish I could apologize to him and have it mean something.   But it's all water under the bridge this many years later.   He hates me.  

Luckily, most of our circle has come to see things a little differently now.    They know my issues and with some time, have seen who we are as seperate people.   Some like him better than me, some like me better.   

I just wish I wasn't bipolar in ANY degree.    My kids are pretty darn good, I had a really good time raising them and I don't want to be this person.  I want to be NORMAL.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Fri, 08-03-2012 - 9:32am

So far I like all the posts to you.. I also suffer from depression but mine is more situational and it comes and goes like crazy...

Lately though I have been taking Vit.D (doctors orders) and walking outside in the fresh air and sun.. I know it sounds simple but I am feeling a bit better when I do that.. Of course its easy for me as I dont have a job or many responsibilities right now so I can be outside as much as I want. (lol) I do notice t hough when I am engaged in things I love I feel a whole lot better.. so I try and stay in nature as much as I can.. Find what works for you ...

I think there are no right or wong answers or easy fixes.. As some have said its a combination of therapy, medications, exercise, eating well and taking vitamins and a bunch of things.. Life is hard sometimes and being resilent is important. If you dont bounce back and find what works then that is more the problem than the problems themselves.

Also. dont be so hard on yourself.. Do the best you can with what you have.

Take Care

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Thu, 08-02-2012 - 10:39pm

I sympathize with you. I suffer from depression currently not on any meds b/c of severe side effects. Outside of work, I do aimless activities, shopping, get together with friends. Anything requiring effort like taking care of the houses or finances, I just let them languish in the wind. Most of the time I feel tired and numb. No motivation for much. I don't like working and yet when I'm  not working, I feel very empty. Luckily my work is somewhat satisfying.

I know what to do but don't have the strength to pull myself by the bootstraps. I suppose if I have a partner who makes me do these things together, I would but not on my own.

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 08-02-2012 - 8:46pm

I can relate to this--my 2d ex has bipolar and he really had a difficult time finding the right meds.  Some of them gave him high blood pressure, some had bad side effects.  He was really on several different meds at the same time & always experimenting, plus they do seem to lose their effect over time so sometimes you have to switch to something else to counteract that.  I do think therapy is also necessary--you can't just go by meds.  Good luck to you.  You know you have to feel better by yourself before you can really get into a relationship.

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Thu, 08-02-2012 - 7:53pm
I don't have any advice really, I just want to say- hang in there. Lean on the people you need to lean on and let yourself feel what you need to feel.
Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Thu, 08-02-2012 - 7:22pm

Life can be fun and full of excitement but can quickly turn monotonous.  When the latter comes around, I just hold out for the upswing...it usually comes around eventually. 

If things don't turn around for you, you might consider seeking out some professional advice just to make sure things don't progress in the wrong direction...