A Case of the Voids

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2001
A Case of the Voids
8
Wed, 10-23-2013 - 8:14pm

I have always been an optimistic person. In fact, I hate negativity. But years of let downs and mistakes of my own has taken its toll on me and I guess I just need to vent. There are too many voids in my life!

There are the voids of my past. The things that are gone, some forgotten, and some I wish I could literally void out of my mind but can’t.

Then there are the voids of the present, the vast & empty voids that are pulling me under. Wanting someone I can’t have and not loving or being loved. Naturally I have family that I love and love me but it’s not the same as being in love. Having someone to hug & kiss good morning & goodnight or to share special times with.

And then there is the future, I can’t even imagine my life will be any different than it is now. And since it is unknown and non-existant it may as well be a void too.

Just one big void of a life. It makes it very hard to get out of bed every day. I feel trapped and alone, and I’m scared.  Scared that the best days of my life are gone and that what I have now is all I ever will have. I am 52 years old and am more than likely going to die alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 10-23-2013 - 10:09pm

I think we all have times when we feel like this.  Lately Ive been feeling a little depressed cause I don't like my job but I'm not having much luck finding another one because of various reasons even though I think I'd be a really good employee.  Also I've been divorced 5 yrs and haven't had any relationship since and it doesn't look good for that either.  Sometimes I do get down about it & think will it be like this forever?  But the thing is that we don't know what the future will hold, so it's self destructive to just assume that it won't get better.  Why not  choose to think that things might improve?  It is a choice to think that way or to think negatively.  Also I've taken the attitude that since it's possible that I might never have another BF, then I might as well make the best of the situation as it is and try to have as much fun as possible.  I'd say most of the time I'm still having fun so it doesn't matter that much.  Like last Sat. night I went to the movies & out to eat w/ 2 girlfriends.  Sure it would be nice to have a date, but I can still enjoy a movie w/ friends.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2008
Wed, 10-23-2013 - 11:23pm

I hear you.  I am 52 as well.  Lately I have been definitely seeing myself aging, and I want to kick myself for not taking advantage of the power of my youth in my 20s and 30s.  A lot of wasted years of low self-esteem, and always wanting people I could not have.  Know that you are not alone, and there are many of us in the same boat.  Life is not always fair, and I am sure we all know people for whom everything fell in place. Not always the most worthy people, either.  I wish I had some great words of wisdom, but for me learning to love myself no matter my external circumstances has helped, and is the only thing I truly have control over.  Many of us feel that void, though. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Thu, 10-24-2013 - 1:26pm

Hi Buckeye,

I could have written your post. I'm 46 and I've been feeling like that too. For many years I feel like that most of the time. There were brief moments of hopefulness, usually when I drink (not a drinker - a bottle of chardoney over a month, if even that) but even a glass or two of wine sometimes can make me feel more elated. You can call me a happy drunk.

I've been told so many times you can find love at any age but not for me since I never had much luck with men. Of late I've been thinking about the rare few men that I passed up who would have made great mates and doubt myself all the time. It seems whatever I can get at the time always fall short of what I want.,,know what I mean.  So then I would look back and would think I should have gone for that one or that one. I have to say though, my standards have gone down over the years too b/c it's harder as you get older.

Strangely though, as I'm writing this, I'm starting to have hope again. I think you just have to believe that you will find love, even when you don't plenty of people are single. Even those who were married before, no guarantee at this age they would still be coupled. So there are lots of people like us actually. 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2012
Fri, 10-25-2013 - 6:25am

These thoughts come back to me regularly, you are definitely not alone if that is somewhat comforting...! Like you, and everyone else in here, I try to stay positive. But sometimes I am really down, it can hit me when I least expect it. Most of my friends are coupled up and do unfortunately not understand me regarding single life anymore. Not having many understanding friends or others close to me to talk to is sometimes hard. I do not want to talk to my mother about it... So I understand completely what you are talking about. I wish we all lived close to each other! You guys are a comfort to me, despite the distance and not even having met in real life. Smile

I am 37 and have never had any luck with men, to put it mildly. I always think "what is the matter with me?" since I seldom meet single men (I could end the sentence here, actually...) who find me attractive enough to even flirt a little. It does not help the self-confidence/-esteem and lately I have also started to think I might never get to start a family if this situation does not change very soon. Especially when those few men approaching me are often much older (and I mean much, 15-20 years older) and not to my fancy at all - quite the contrary! I deserve being approached by guys my age, why is it not happening? I go to concerts, happenings, hockey games etc, often by myself and do my best to look approachable and friendly. But nothing.

The OLD thing gives me the creeps most of the time and there is no action there either. I have been there for years and no dates so far (but I admit to not being there often, mea culpa). When guys ask me out on their very first post to me without even initiating a hint of small talk (or "Hello"!) first, I am not impressed. That is not the way to go with me...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Fri, 10-25-2013 - 2:21pm

Yikes. I can so relate to all of you....  you guys know I am 59 and my hopes for finding someone waffle back and forth but my hope will never stop.... I do not like OLD but get some messages here and there but there are days where I just cannot stand going to meet someone that way.. I was thinking maybe next message I will just tell the guy which meet up group I am going to next and tell him to meet me there . Okay that problem solved. If he doesnt go for it then he isnt flexible enough or whatever.

Okay did I go off topic.. sorry....

First off find out if you are depressed or just lonely.. What I have discovered in old age (LOL) is that there is help for depression and lonliness... There is plenty to do in the world and having friends and things to do will alleviate how you are feeling.. yes we all want to get home and have someone waiting and all but you know what?? There is no future.. The past is gone and the future hasnt happened .. We only have the present moment so take each day and do the best you can with it..  After awhile this will become the norm for you.. Be greatful for all you have and see the greatness in each and everyday no matter what.. Yes yes easier said than done but doing what you are doing doesnt seem to be working so change it up a bit.. I know when I go to meet ups and find things to do that interest me I do feel better.. No it doesnt take away the fact of wanting a mate but what can we do? while we sit and wait for our next mate we need to just do what makes us happy.. Oh; and if the next mate doesnt come along then we just continue on with life and do the best we can... Stop being so hard on yourself and live in the NOW.... and find whatever ways or modalities to make you feel good.. even if its simple like getting sun or buying your favorite coffee or petting a dog or cat or listening to great music.. There is so much abundance in the Universe and its time to find it ...LOL.. I went for a drive this week and noticed all of the gorgeous fall colors and shapes and most awesome scenery out there. It made me so happy that I live near all of this and it was free and simple.. Find things like that and you will feel soooooooooooo much better even if its short term.. This propels you into finding more positive and less negative..

Just fake it till you make it...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Sat, 10-26-2013 - 9:03am

Get the book, The Key to Living the Law of Attraction by Jack Canfield. They might have it at the library. It actually worked for me. It also made me start thinking about things in a more positive way. I wish you the best.

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Sun, 10-27-2013 - 1:34pm

I will sort of echo what I think White_Satin said which was, I think I could've written some of the things you typed as well.  I woke one night about two weeks ago and had been dreaming about an ex of mine.  Several here know my history, but it's been a good ten years since I've been in love.  I guess I had forgotten what it felt like so this dream was quite the curse.  I woke still feeling that warm, reassuring feeling that I loved someone and he loved me back(in my dream I was in his arms, in bed).  It was almost as if I woke in a state of euphoria.  Of course, quickly I realized that it was all simply a dream.  I walked around in a funk for a good few days because of it.  I have no children so again, I echo your fears of being alone and having not much to look forward to . . . as sad as it is to admit, it's comforting to know that at least I am not the only one who has these feelings.  When I was in my 20's and early 30's, I had a LOT of FUN.  I find myself (also) thinking that perhaps all of the best "stuff" is behind me.  Well, if so, then that's okay.  I think there's a certain kind of beauty in living a quiet existence :)  I am trying to reel myself in because I am in a good place after a bit of a rough patch and I don't want to come across as a motivational speaker.  I will just say, don't give up because something really wonderful could be right around the corner.  Keep your eyes and ears open and don't lose your optimistic spirit.  I will keep my fingers crossed for you :)  

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2006
Sun, 10-27-2013 - 8:04pm

I too ould have written this letter. At 57, I have accepted that the plan for my life probably does not include finding 'the one'. However, I have family and some freinds and my own initiative and imagination, and most of the time I can amuse myself pretty well. Last weekend I was sulking...some plans in the past two weekends fell through, and I was feeling the 'why not me' feeling...then some things happened this week that were hopeful...not in the 'meet a man' way, but in a 'you are loved' way and even though I did about the same things this week end as last, I was content. I am reaching the age where people who have been in couples are starting to be alone, either through divorce or death, and I am glad I already have good coping skills. I think I pretty much knew in my 20s that the knight on the white horse easn't coming for me, and I made a decision to live my life without waiting for him...and although there were relationships after that, I think I have been happiest and less stressed when I was alone. Some nights, when I go to sleep, I think 'how will I manage if iam alone forever?' and I realize...the same way you got this far. If you read other boards on Ivillage, you realize that being in a relationship doesn't guarantee happiness....it is just a different balance of happy and unhappy.