Changes (long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2008
Changes (long)
11
Tue, 05-14-2013 - 10:06am

I've always been a shy guy who never accepted the unwritten rule that men should always make the 1st move. That's why the bar scene and OLD never worked for me, and speed dating is too random.

I'm not ashamed to say that I'm out of the closet about being straight but openly asexual, and I could never understand what motivates some other men to do the casual sex thing unless they're going to get a medal for it... pleasure-centered personalities, I guess. Asexual or not, I still crave love, and I'm pretty sure I know the difference between the two.

That out of the way, last summer after I turned 45, it dawned on me that the best defense is a good offense. I've never been one to curse the darkness, when I could strike a match... so I thought about becoming a speed dating event organizer. But when I contacted the sponsor companies and read through their rule books, I thought, "y'know, these outfits really tie your hands as to what you are & aren't allowed to do; and besides, you can make twice as much money freelancing". So that's the direction I'm taking.

The problem was, I wanted to avoid the bar scene, so I turned to Meetup... I looked around, and there are only 2 meetup groups in my area which don't do the nightclub thing, but one is too small and narrowly focused, and the other offers athletic themes that not everyone enjoys. So, I thought of things a lot of singles would enjoy, like potlucks and costume parties... IMO those would be more fun than your basic boozefests.

Very quickly I realized there's a lot these other Meetup organizers aren't doing. The shy guys are still standing on the sidelines at those events. So I had an idea. It was a fluke, but one male friend and one female friend seem to think it's a great idea. Here it is: at some meetups, you get a name tag when you show up. I thought, why not get my guests talking by listing up to 5 of their interests on their name tags too? That would sure take a lot of the "cold" out of the cold approach. The last couple of weeks, I've been driving to every hotel, park, and restaurant in my area that hosts events and getting info from them. The more I learn, the more it looks like the other Meetup organizers aren't trying very hard!

So... that's where I stand now. I'm 45, never married or been to jail, with a house (paid for), a steady job, and no debts... but being a shy guy has always kept the last piece of the puzzle from fitting into place. Now this shy guy is only a couple of weeks from making a career change which may not only help other shy guys (and shy girls) achieve their goals of meeting someone, but even I may have a shot at meeting the right woman.

The desire to love and be loved can move us to do things we'd otherwise not bother doing... Cool

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Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Tue, 05-14-2013 - 2:56pm

I think it's great to try a new approach. I wish you all the luck with that.

I did want to point out, though, that "asexual" is not synonymous with "shy". Plenty of people, both men and women, may be shy, but are definitely not asexual. And I'll bet there are asexuals who are not shy. In reading this post and other posts you've made, I think you might have better luck getting involved (or starting) a group for asexuals.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 05-14-2013 - 5:44pm

I think it's a great idea that you started a meetup group & it sounds like fun.  I belong to a meetup group for single parents that has been going on for 7 yrs now & has 500 members--they do all kinds of things, some with the kids & some just for adults so there is something for everyone--sporting activities, music, dancing, etc.  It takes a lot of the pressure off when you can meet people in a social setting and not feel like you are just there to get a date.

Unfortunately I think there is a small percentage of the population that is asexual but I did read a letter on Dear Abby today that was from a woman in the same situation--single & didn't want to be fixed up.  But there is probably someone out there for everyone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2005
Tue, 05-14-2013 - 7:32pm

Sounds like you have some great ideas for the Meetup group.  Reaching out to local businesses is very smart - they're usually looking for opportunities to bring people in, so they'll have fun and come back again.  Also, you never know who you might meet just in the course of arranging these events.  

I am not shy, just lazy I think when it comes to dating, but I am impressed with your enthusiasm.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2008
Tue, 05-14-2013 - 8:40pm

Floridagirl52,

There are already groups for asexuals---AVEN is the largest which comes to mind---but they are heavily female because although women are stigmatized for being asexual, our sex-saturated society is much less accepting of men, gay or straight, who have no desire to engage in sex. Or, as I've pointed out on other boards, asexuals haven't had a "Stonewall moment" like gays & lesbians have had---that sort of sociological watershed moment when a minority lets the majority know that no more nonsense will be tolerated.

I've never found much fault in the asexual groups I've associated with (although problem individuals are another matter entirely); but in all the singles groups I've been to over the years, I've noticed there's a LOT of room for improvement, because I'm not just thinking of my own romantic desires when I go to those things.

Some people, mostly men, might take issue with the way I want to help other singles who are in the situation I once was; after all, the singles & dating scene is supposed to be "winner take all", and we're more or less supposed to subject the losers of the game to so much abuse that they want to give up entirely. I'd kind of be throwing a monkeywrench into the game by giving "losers" a way to steal victory... but hey, I can't help it if I'm rooting for the underdog, because I used to be one myself.

I didn't just learn from my own mistakes, I learned from the mistakes others made. Bravery has little to do with it.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Fri, 05-17-2013 - 12:29am

  Marty what are you looking for?  I am a bit confused.  I take it that a platonic  emotional connection but then why would AVEN be out?  It would seem that in a target rich enviornment it would be better for you.  Shyness and timidity can be overcome.  There are programs that work on those problems. 

chaika

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
In reply to: cfk_3
Fri, 05-17-2013 - 6:19pm

I have given Aven's website the good ole college try.  I didn't connect with one person there.  The chat rooms were either dead or full of twenty somethings who sorry, seemed a liitle ageist to me.  Their message boards were also kind of meh.  I don't quite consider myself asexual but I identify with the theory somewhat, because I'm simply not having sex and haven't for some time(am not phased by that fact, nor ashamed).

Anyway, good luck with all of your endeavors; both personal and professional, Marty.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2008
Fri, 05-17-2013 - 9:45pm

xxxs wrote:
<p>  Marty what are you looking for?  I am a bit confused.  I take it that a platonic  emotional connection but then why would AVEN be out?  It would seem that in a target rich enviornment it would be better for you.  Shyness and timidity can be overcome.  There are programs that work on those problems. </p>

I consider this hosting gig to be my program---my therapy, if you prefer. I licked depression a couple of years ago, so shyness will be the next neighborhood bully I'm going to tackle. Laughing For me the plus is that I want to help others who've struggled with the same problem.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2008
Sat, 05-18-2013 - 10:22am

cfk, I am with you.  I have never had a super high sex drive, and I could only enjoy sex in the context of a committed loving relationship.  Otherwise, I would rather not be bothered.  I know so many women, even my age, who can't go a week without it, literally. I am also astonished by how many postmenopausal women seem to have high drives.  Maybe I need hormones!

Truth be told, I think the percentage of asexuals, or at least people who don't enjoy sex that much, is much higher than admitted. People don't want to be labelled frigid or strange.  Like you, I am neither ashamed or embarassed, though in this sex-saturated society, it is easy to feel so. And even in the context of good relationships, people get bored with sex.  I know my two sisters are tired of sex in ther marriages, they only try in order to please their husbands.

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
In reply to: cfk_3
Sat, 05-18-2013 - 3:08pm

I have to agree with you, G.  I know of a lot of married couples who are not having sex.  The number is allegedly around 1% but I'm not buying it.  When I think of having sex only because my spouse wants to (or feels he needs to) it actually makes me want to gag.  If we're both "in the mood" then great, otherwise don't bother me ;)  It's no surprise I'm single, I guess, ha-ha.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2008
Sat, 05-18-2013 - 9:57pm

LOL My poor ex-husband was constantly frustrated.  I preferred reading a good book to having "relations" with him.  No surprise we did not last. Now whether this lack of interest on my part was due to my relative immaturity or was because I was definitely with the wrong man, or that I do have asexual tendencies, I am not sure.  I still do not know the answer, because I have yet to be with a man I am crazy about who feels the same way.

I do, however, find myself feeling sorry for women who are obligated to do it because they are married or in a "relationship."  And the couples you think are having the hottest, most passionate sex usually are not.

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