Changing who you are?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2005
Changing who you are?
12
Sun, 01-15-2006 - 9:28pm

Shywon's message about whether or not we are forgiving got me thinking. I am actually paying good money these days for therapy to work through alot of my self-defeating life habits and unhealthy beliefs. I know none of that makes sense... it requires a good 10 sessions and $900 before you can possibly understand this mumble jumble. Anyway... my point is... are there things, you've had to face about yourself that needed to be adjusted/changed? How difficult was it? How long did it take? Do you feel like you've been able to better yourself?

Random questions, I know - and I'm not going to get my hopes up for many replies! :p

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Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sun, 01-15-2006 - 11:14pm

First off, one of the things you're (hopefully) working on is confidence.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 1:03pm

I'm not sure I really understand your question, because I doubt there are many people out there who *haven't* needed to change something about themselves! Hopefully you never stop growing and changing!

In any event, yes, I've changed a LOT of things about myself for the better...in some cases the changes took years and in others, the changes were more immediate. And at 47, I am still a work in progress.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 1:47pm

I have gone through a couple of phases in my life where I felt that some serious self-evaluation was in order and went to therapy. I think that finding out about ourselves and working on ourselves is a life-long process. I do not, however, believe in constant therapy. They key is to learn how to be honest with yourself and to learn coping mechanisms that will help you to be able to handle life's challenges on your own.

That being said, I think that it can take some time to sort through the things that have made us who we are and get to the point where we can start to process that information. Once that happens, healing begins and you feel better much more quickly than you anticipated.

But that's just my experience.

And a quick post-script - I don't think that it is about changing who you are but rather freeing yourself from defense machanisms and unhealthy behavior so that you can really be yourself in the best way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2005
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 1:56pm

yes. i'm in the process of getting over my first boyfriend who broke up with me in october.
i never understood how he could be so selfish, and why i always felt i was second to his boys and goin out.
i was miserable without him. i honestly felt i had nothing to live for.
now i know...THATS PATHETIC. i was so needy and desperate to keep our relationship. i kind of forgot other aspects in my life besides the relationship. essentially i totally forgot the 18 years before him in which i was my own person and perfectly happy.

so i think i have learned 1. not to depend on anyone for complete hapiness and 2. to respect myself and believe in myself more. i feel like I will be a lot happier in my next relationship because I won't be quite so needy.

and the only way that i recognized my faults, and decided that i needed to change, was going through this very painful breakup. i really do feel like i have had a good attitude adjustment though :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 2:06pm

Well - looking back, you may see your behavior then as pathetic but I agree with Shy when she says not to be too hard on yourself. It's a process. And keeping a good attitude is half the battle.

I wonder how many other over-used platitudes I can use today. :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2005
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 4:51pm
Ihave found that situations I thought were bad at the time were very positive experiences for me. I think it's all in your attitude. I try to look at everything that happens to me as an opportunity to grow and learn. Sometimes this is easier said than done. In the middle it can be especially difficult. Leaving my husband was very hard b/c I had been with him for 8 years, but just a few months later Iknew it was the right thing to do. Now 2 years later I can't imagine still being in that situation. I am so much happier alone than in a miserable relationship. Therapy did help me as well. I agree with Jules & Shy, don't beat yourself up. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 9:16am

**I think as we get older, confidence grows and that makes a huge difference in how we deal with other people and in the decisions we make.**

I agree with this SO much. Looking back, sure there were a lot of good times but I wouldn't go back if someone paid me. The confidence and knowledge (dare I say, wisdom) I've gained is worth so much more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 4:09pm

I'm a people pleaser, and I have really had to work on allowing myself to be a bit selfish from time to time. Rather than worrying about what the other person thinks/feels, I have learned I do have a right to react to something in my own way, or ask for something for myself, without feeling guilty about it.

I think we all do have those things that trip us up, and a little time for self reflection and re-examination is all good.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2005
Sat, 01-21-2006 - 2:07pm

changing who one is is not easy. especially for me. Ok here is my 411 over the past few years. I divorced in 97, reconciled in 98 only to kick out the hubby again in 99. In 2002 i moved in with a man i had been seeing for about a year and half. BIG MISTAKE. my kids did not like him so they chose to go live with dad because i was stupidly too in love with this fella and in denial of the abuse he was giving me(emotionally, mentally).
in 2004 i was raped and out relationship wnet even more downhill from there. I really changed as a person because i was assaulted. I couldn't take my pain and depression anymore and i was on the brink of suicide when i received a letter in the mail from my oldest daughter, praising me for spending a weekend with her and my other daughter. I got together with them at the risk of getting into an argument with my abusive bf over this. BUT they are my kids and i was no longer goin to give them any excuses why i cant see them. SO for 3 days straight i saw them and they enjoyed every minute of it. In this letter were 3 strong words, written by each girl in her own handwriting " I LOVE YOU" plus they said they couldnt wait to see me and do this more often. That took me for a tailspin and i said to myself ...my children need and want me ....I have a reason to live and i am gonna jump into that life. So i packed up and left my bf. I have not communicated with my bf since. I am healing wonderfully from the assault, slowly.

I have re-discovered GOD and i feel that He was calling out to me to return to him by giving me a wake up call through the assault i experienced and the letter which came a while after the assault.

My life is much better now that i see my children regularly. I have God in my life regularly. I have my family(mom, bro., sis. and extended family). I have a wonderful Job. 2 in fact...i also sell Avon. I am making more friends now while i am single than i ever did while attached to a man.

Changing who one is doesn't come without reasons. You cant just one day say ok i hate who i am , lets try on another personality. A personality stays the same forever, only the events in ones own life tweaks and adjusts the personality.

You must do what is best for yourself. Listen to your Heart, not your mind. IF you begin to second guess and idea, thought,etc....stop adn go with your first instinct, that is the true image of yourself and the true way to follow in your life.

Good luck and God Bless.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Sun, 01-22-2006 - 6:50pm

Well, I have some very bad money habits.

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