The chase
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The chase
| Tue, 06-19-2007 - 2:10pm |
Elwood inspired this post, although it's something I've been thinking of for the past week or so.
Most of us seem to be in agreement that men like to chase.

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Thanks shywon for pointing out my reputation on how different I am from most men *smirk*
All I can give is my observations and my experience.
I do think there is a difference between "blunt" and "direct." I can understand your concern on scaring the guy off.
Right now the ball(s) *grin* are in his court. Good luck.
Mark
******Then there are those I scare away when I come on too strong, too fast when I get a tiny bit of encouraging signals LOL.*****
That time between talking the first time and the first kiss is always stressful to me . . I tend to be blunt./ direct. (-: For me it is bad timing or just spit it out. Like Mark, the "dance" is not what I do well. And THAT is not what a single girl has said she enjoyed on this board. Very scary. (((-: I am paying close attention, but can I do it any other way??? ((-: Not like I am out proposing, but I call, and I will just pop up and say what a great time I had, it would be really nice to see you again?? Hard to get is something I am not known for.
And Shy, like Mark, I like the brick approach . .it removes sooooo much stress in the beginning. Men fake this stuff and all the confidence that goes with it, that's why so many of us do it so poorly. (-: If the confidence IS real, it is from ALL the practice . . (-: Hunter.
As for the Balls comment, and turns in to pants permanently.
Ok . . I frankly disagree with this completely. Way over simplified. I don't want a ditzy bimbo, or a leather clad dominatrix . .LOL . .I do however want an equal. That I am dead serious about. She needs to lean on me one day, I'm there, I need her one day, she shoulders it . . but no one is carrying anyone . .. and in charge . . not me, nor anyone over me. I always did have a habit of "pushing back". (-: But the courage to speak your mind, and be honest when you do, that I enjoy and respect. I am with mark . . . just look him straight in the eye and tell him you had a Great time and look forward to seeing him again. Simple, no scary words there, just honest . .being yourself words.
Now . . .the crux of Shy and TG dilemma is the online aspect. I no longer WAS working as hard on getting the first date on Match as I was screening out people I clearly was not going to get along with. I asked a lot of questions in email based on what they wrote in there profile. Tried to get that first wall down, and them to open up a little and just talk some. It also showed I really DID READ the profile number one . .and showed I was interested in what I SAW number two. Not just casting a random line. If the first phone call went well, MY brick, I told them I really enjoyed talking to them, do you want to meet. If yes, next was when and where. (-: The salesman in me made the appointment before hanging up, sorry girls, no plan . . just a mutual idea convenient for her and comfortable and safe. And all in that first call 99% of the time. Shy, the other bricks when you meet are the smiles, a lot of eye contact, touching my arm . ."invading" my personal space sends a strong message . .if he does . .lean in for just a second, let him know it was nice. Simple stuff really. A lot of people are thinking one way, but have all these rules, are all rigid . . we are not mind readers. (-:
>>That's because after a first date, women don't tend to show it if they're really interested. It makes men run for the hills. <<
Exactly what I was going to say. We've been programmed from experience to hold back a bit.
AJ, enjoying life with C.
>>smiles, a lot of eye contact, touching my arm . ."invading" my personal space sends a strong message . .if he does . <<
Ok, smiles and eye contact I've got down. However, Shy was on the phone - what then?
Also, my last three first dates were with guys I met in person, and the question applies with them as well - not just online dating. Each was someone I talked to for about 10 minutes when we met, he asked for my card or number, and then we set up a first date.
So, it's still two strangers meeting for a drink or lunch - or to walk our dogs, in the case of #3 (a great first date idea, by the way). It's really hard to get that "friendly" that soon, even if you really like someone. Especially the space invading and touchy feely part. For me, that takes a comfort level that usually isn't yet there on a first date (and sometimes not on a second). So, I think because I don't do that, these men automatically assume, like Mark, that I'm just being nice. :)
Oh, and the man MUST kiss me first. It's that whole grow-a-set conversation -- this particular area is completely up to the guy, and I refuse to do it.
AJ, enjoying life with C.
***Exactly what I was going to say. We've been programmed from experience to hold back a bit.***
Let me ask this. If your being interested in him sends him running . . was he worth keeping? Was that a good or bad thing?
If you want FWB, ONS . . dance, sort out the fun one for that night. You want LTR . . take a risk, filter a few out. I personally hate to waste what little time I have on a woman that clearly is nether fwb or ltr or at least a real friend . .and has nothing in common with me at all. Cute just does not do it for me alone any more. (-: I need more.
AJ, enjoying life with C.
But we don't know most of the time just how interested we could be after just one date!
***Especially the space invading and touchy feely part.***
See, that is the kind of risk I do best. And suck at . .lol I still have a very difficult time knowing when that kiss is welcomed. (-: If something funny is said and we laugh . .I might just touch her shoulder with mine. Nothing more, nothing threatening. But my personality . . I show things far more than say them . . believe it or not. lol I tend to test that personal space a lot. Not groping hands all over stuff, ever . . a very light touch, just breaking the two foot rule . . see if I get good eye contact and a smile . . or a glare. Back off of glares, good rule. (-: I see no issue doing it the “right” way on a first date. Just enough to break the comfort level, See if it is welcomed, not enough to say “bed me now”, just enough to see if it was enjoyed.
And TG . . I frankly appreciate it when a woman does this with me. Breaking the two foot rule shows interest, it is a brick, it involves . .TRUST.
The phone . . what can you do other than express the fact you really enjoyed the conversation, felt comfortable . . just say something nice. (-: Or . . . .
The truth is the last several dates I have had have made off match, or before the recent change in jobs, and I was still traveling . . so I usually had minimum of a week of email and several phone calls to get acquainted. I used them, I ask questions, I do that a lot. (-: I ask challenging scary questions sometimes. (-: I want to get to know people, and to do that you have to get past comfort levels and safe zones sometimes. It is just me. I generated conversation, not just a quick get acquainted call and lets make plans. If I make it to a third date . . the whole “kiss” issue is soo over 99% of the time . . . but getting it wrong does not allow for a 3rd date. What I think I do a bit different is spend some quality time on the phone, and as poor a writer as I am, I have lost my fear of really talking to someone on email. I have a very good feel for the “person” before the first date very often. And them me. So half the battle is already over. We already like each other or we would not have made it to the first date.
To me it sounds like I am doing the opposite of most of what you are doing.
***Have you ever had a LTR with a woman who blatantly expressed her interest in a relationship (not just sex) on the first date? Have you run from one who has?***
The girl I have written about, the year and a half and what truthfully was a devastating loss . . . we agreed “during” the first date . . at least ten dates before anything happened. We both agreed we were looking at the more serious side of things. We had dinner at this little side walk restaurant table . .spent hours talking. .and never made it out of the parking lot that night. (-: Not only did she express her long term intrest, she . .”expressed” it. (-: Year and a half. Yes. One of two girls I can say I was head over heals for in my life.
In fairness, traveling . . the email and phone thing . .and like me she liked to challenge a person in conversation. We liked each other before we met, and when we did the attraction was there.
And again some of this could be just me . . .I know in less than 5 minuets if I like someone and like them a lot. I know that fast I dislike someone as well. I have met a lot of people, and every kind of human being that walks the earth I think. Broad stroke picture I absorb and process very very fast, details are what takes time to fill in. And there is no safe way to get THAT far, it takes a LONG time. For me a lot can happen fast and I am probability more comfortable than the slow dance. (-: I am “skill less” . .but fearless. (-: And more importantly, it does not scare ME because I am looking for the same thing. It scares those who aren’t. A little filtering saves a ton of time. (-:
**So later when he brought me back to my place, I knew it was now or never. He went in for a hug, but I went in for the kiss. Later, he told me he never kisses a girl until the third date. Yeah....after the second date, if a guy hasn't kissed me, or at least made SOME move, I assume he's not interested. I essentially had to beat the guy over the head to get him to realize I was interested. **
How many agree with this 2nd date thing, just curious. Best rule I have heard yet. lol (-:
You were there, but my ex accused me of this egg shell thing and was wrong. Oddly we had very lively disagreements about all kinds of things . . well all this has been said in other posts. But given time she would have seen that very well. It just had not come up. The point is, DID he disagree with you and hold back, or did he simply agree with you? (-: Two very different things.
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