Clingy Men

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2006
Clingy Men
12
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 12:11pm
All of my long-term relationships end because the guy can't give me the space that I need in a relationship. I grew up being alone a lot of the time, my father was never really in the picture, and I am now extremely independent and self-sufficient and I don't feel the need to have a man around 24/7 in order to feel good about myself. This is a huge problem for nearly every guy I've run into. They all want a woman to just hang all over them and to need them for reassurance, either that or THEY need to hang all over ME for reassurance and I can't stand it! It really sucks because I meet perfectly good guys who would otherwise be great in a relationship if only they didn't have to call me or see me ALL THE TIME and I just get SO frustrated and annoyed that I am practically FORCED to break up with these poor guys. Does anyone else feel this way? And do I have much hope of finding a guy who will respect my need for space and independence?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2006
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 1:53pm

I know how ya feel...but because Im a guy I get labeled as insensitive and distant by girls who have dated me because I like to have a lot of time alone. I was born an only child and raised myself mostly so I enjoy my time alone and do most things by myself by choice. When people are clingy in the way you described...it is usually because of some sort of problem they have with insecruity and need constant attention and reassurance from someone of the opposite sex to make them feel like they mean something.

This actually brings up a question I often wonder about....A lot of women do complain about how distant or cold men are.....Where do you draw the line in terms of a man being distant and insesitive and just needing his space to be an independent person?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2006
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 2:22pm
Hmm, let's see. I don't usually get to experience guys that seem "distant" or "insensitive", so it is tough for me to even draw a line. I'd say that if a guy goes more than 3 days without shooting me one phone call or if he goes more than 1.5 weeks without even setting up a date to see me, then that's probably a little excessively distant for me, but at the same time, if I had been with the guy a while and he explained to me that he just needs more alone time lately, then fine, I understand. I just don't want a guy calling me every day or even every other day and I don't want to feel like I absolutely HAVE to see him on every day that I have off of work. That's just not fair because I need to have time to get stuff done and to have my own time. I'm a whole person, not half of a couple.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2006
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 2:28pm

I completely agree with what you say about not being one half of a couple.

I hate when you get into relationships how every has to be done together and noone refers to you as a person, ppl refer to you and your bf/gf as a pair. For instance, noone will say "oh john is coming over tonight" ppl will start to say "john and jackie are coming over tonight"....maybe it's just me but I feel like you lose some part of yourself when you become so connected with one person that noone can think of you unless they think of the other also.....

I guess a good way of avoiding meeting clingy guys is to take things slow...clingy guys tend to try to speed things up and if you take it slower you will be able to pick up on warning signs of clingy guys and be able to end it before it gets to serious.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2006
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 2:59pm

I've dated both types and I'd take a clingy guy over a distant guy any day, as long as he doesn't pout. The pouting is so annoying. My guy now seems to be right down the middle. There are some days he will call me just to talk while he is grocery shopping. Some days he'll call three or more times. But then there are also days that I don't hear from him.

To me, it's also a confidence and respect thing. I can't respect a guy if I'm his entire life. I don't want to feel like I need to complete anyone. That's way too much pressure. So while my guy may call me three times in a day, I know he's also out with friends or doing other things, so I see it as him thinking of me while he goes on with his other life and that's sweeet. It's not like he is sitting at home lonely, so he must call me in order to validate himself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2006
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 3:33pm
Yeah, I know what you mean about taking things slow. I quite prefer to go very slowly, but I guess I usually give these clingy guys too much of a chance because then it gets to the point where I feel bad that I have to end it with them. It also sucks for me to end it because, other than the fact that they are clingy, they're still good guys beside that fact. But I guess life is too short to waste my time trying to compromise over such a HUGE issue. I just have to bide my time until a guy comes along and has the ability to be separate-yet-together with me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 6:28pm

Wow, I could have written the OP myself! I feel that way so often, it's a huge issue I'm dealing with right now. I'm almost at the point I wonder if I should even try to date because I really do enjoy my alone time.

I'm just curious how you deal with this though, with the guys specifically. Do you tell them at all that they are being too clingy or do you just end things?

And in the very beginning, when you first start dating, how often are you seeing them? I find that in the beginning I don't want to rush things and see them all the time, I like my space more. Than as it progresses if they want to do things more often and call everyday, that's fine but not at first.

I just never know what to say/tell them when I feel like they are getting too clingy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2006
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 6:43pm
I find that my yearning for distance actually fluctuates throughout my relationships. Sometimes I won't want to see them for a couple of weeks and sometimes I will want to see them every couple of days, I probably confuse the hell out of these poor guys. In my past relationships, though, I always just kind of tried to give them the attention that they needed during the first few months up to about a year, but then I start talking to them about how I need more space and I'm sure that ends up confusing them. I honestly just try to explain that I don't know why I feel the need for so much space but that that's just the way I am. I've had guys try to respect it, but the needy ones always end up going back to calling me all the time and whining about not getting enough time with me. More recently though, I've just been trying to be up front about it. Any guy that I date from now on needs to know from the beginning that I don't want him hanging all over me. And truth be told, I'm terrible at getting my point across about it because it's human nature for the other person to want some sort of explanation in order for them to understand it and the need for space is a delicate issue in any relationship. At this point, I have truly failed to communicate effectively, so I'm not sure if my experience could help you at all. :) I tried.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2006
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 6:47pm
Oops, I forgot to say that I tend not to give them too much of a chance once they establish that they are clingy. The clinginess becomes extremely annoying to me and once I get annoyed with the guy, there's no going back and I am left with no choice but to walk away from the relationship (which I just did two months ago, had to break off a 2.5 year relationship with a sweet guy, but life goes on).
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 10:14pm

Thanks for your post ambitiouswoman. It's so good to hear someone who I can relate too. It's nice to see you are standing up for it too, I sometimes feel like I should try and change and learn to want to be around them more but it's hard, it's not what I want.

So how much do you like to have them around ideally? I'm just curious how extreme I am. I mean for me ideally, a date once or twice a week is plenty and I have no need for a phone call every single day. Every other day is fine by me. I've just never been one of those girls who needed to know where her boyfriend was at every second. Heck, if he wants a guys night out, I'll encourage it! :)

I did date a guy last summer who was really great and practically worshipped the ground I walked on but he lived really close to me and it was like he wanted to always hang out or do something, even if it was just him coming over for an hour. I mean not that it's not nice to see him but for him to come over for an hour just to sit there and not really do anything when I could be doing something more productive, to me I'd prefer the latter.

part of this though could be the life stage I'm at. I'm getting ready to go back to school and am just really focused on my own life at this point as well. It would be nice to have somewhere there at times though.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2006
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 12:44am
I was so happy to see this post - I agree with you all - it just seems like the rest of the world believes you have to be half of a couple.

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