A common thing among men

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2001
A common thing among men
9
Mon, 02-10-2014 - 6:29pm

Once again, this involves MB, the younger guy at work.  I have been trying to be strictly on friends terms and not flirting or anything like that.  And I know he has picked up on that and even made a remark that I seem different. He still makes me music cd's, actually a lot more than he ever has.  The one day I thanked him and said he was a good friend (because he actually bought me that one) and the look on his face was pretty funny. Anyhow, I was going to a hockey game this past Friday with a friend with the company she works for. He asked if it was a bunch of men.  I didn't lie and told him yes but they were mostly all married (not that it's any of his business!).  While we were talking my friend texted and asked if I wanted to go to a bar or casino instead.  He asked what the text was about because I was laughing a little. He made a remark that maybe I'd find the man of my dreams that night.  I didn't really have a reply for that, other than one that would have started a scene, lol.  So while on the way to the game he texted me.  "game? casino? bar?" Again, not really his business but I replied game & then casino. I could tell that he didn't like the idea of me going out with a bunch of guys. Sunday night he texted me and asked if I had a good weekend.  I said yes, but it was a busy one. He said "such is life when your beautiful and poplular!!" (I am neither).  He is always showing signs of jeolousy, even a girl at work notices. But I did get another cd today :-).   So why are men like that?  They don't want you but they don't want anyone else to have you either!  My ex was the same way. He left me for another woman but the minute he found out I was with someone else he started coming around. It is so immature and unfair. When I was young I had a lot of male friends with no problem.  I don't know why it is so difficult with MB. Just when I think it's possible he says or does something stupid. If we didn't have so much in common to talk about I would give up on the idea of a friendship.  On a brighter note.....I took a suggestion from someone on here and am going to a local meet up group.  It's only ladies and I hope I'll meet some new friends. The OLD has kind of worn me down.  I haven't met anyone worth investing any time on so I just want to chill and have some fun with other ladies that like to go out to local places.

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Tue, 02-11-2014 - 10:52am

I can't say I've had the experience of men not wanting me, but not wanting other men to have me either.

MB definitely has a hold on you. In trying to be friends with him, do you feel like you are still holding out hope that he will want to be with you? Perhaps you are flirting with him more than you think you are. And what's with him, anyway? People are noticing that he's jealous? To me, it seems like he's just torturing you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 02-11-2014 - 10:55am

I really wouldn't say that all men are like that.  I wouldn't even date a guy who had jealousy issues.  I have to say my 2nd DH was the jealous type--I used to give a single guy at work a ride home because he didn't have a car and it was only a few blocks from work & I know my ex was jealous about that, which was ridiculous--first of all, I would never cheat (which I'm sure he knew) but even if I was single I would just not be interested in this guy at all.  He was always saying things like "all the men who come into your office are going to be so interested in you" which again is ridiculous.  Recently we were having an IM chat (I wouldn't say we are friends who really see each other, just FB friends) and I told him "remember how you used to say that all guys are interested in me?  Well unfortunately I was the one who was right because no guys are interested in me."  this was prompted by me posting a picture from  NYE party at my house and there was a man in the picture playing the guitar--he asked me if that was my BF.  so I guess he is still jealous--I never ask him if he has a GF because I just don't care and also it would annoy me if he, with all of his many issues, could find someone and I can't!  But I'd say that my 1st DH was never like this--he was so easy going and I can't remember any comment of his that was jealous.

I don't know--if I were you, maybe I'd start to play w/ MB a little just to get him back for telling you that you're too old for him.  Instead of saying that all the guys were married, maybe you should just start saying that yes, there will probably be a lot of guys at the game and just leave it at that.  Just stop giving him info and let him think that you are having a wonderful time with a bunch of men.  Then if he acts jealous, I'd really call him on it--tell him that since he doesn't want to date you, you are looking for a guy who does.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Tue, 02-11-2014 - 6:24pm

I think I know what is going on with MB... sounds like he just wants to be friends and I can bet if and when he finds a woman he likes he will date her and love her and all and you either will remain friend or he will drop you.

A few years ago I met this guy on a dating site..... He lives about an hour or so away from me.. We clicked but he never pursued anything and I figured it was too far so we never dated but we stayed sort of friends.. He would write to me on facebook and we would talk on phone and at times he even visited where I live and all.. Over the years though he had about two relationships since I have known him.. I figure he just didnt like me...... Although we still talk now and he has even come over again to visit he has a new gfriend ...............So I have just accepted this for what it is.......................Now I dont see him like you see MB everyday at work so it doesnt bother me so much but at times I do think wow why not me and these other women .... There are sometimes no answers to things and to just accept what is I guess..

Let this just ride itself out and you will either meet someone or MB will and then the relationship will be done...............

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Tue, 02-11-2014 - 10:37pm
I still think he just likes the attention. You've backed off, so he's upped his "game" in an attempt to reel you back in. He doesn't like the thought of other guys because if you started dating someone, that would mean your flirtation with him should end. I don't think it has anything to do with jealousy. It's self-centeredness.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 02-12-2014 - 11:44am

I think you are right, Shywon.  It's a big ego boost to MB to know that Buckeye likes him even though he refuses to date her, so when other men are around, he is worried.

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Wed, 02-12-2014 - 2:28pm

I agree with both Florida and Shy; I think he's self centered AND I feel he's toying with/torturing you. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 02-12-2014 - 3:33pm

I also think he's not really a friend.  A true friend is sensitive to the other person's feelings.  It's hard to hurt someone by telling them that you don't want to date them but if you do that, then you have to be extra careful not to lead the other person on--you shouldn't go around acting flirty or jealous.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2001
Fri, 02-14-2014 - 5:51pm

I don't think he's self centered but I do know he lacks self esteem so I'm probably a huge ego booster for him. He is definitely different than any other man I've known.  A total mommy's boy, very sensitive and caring (in most intstances anyway) and has only been with 2 women.  He came in the office this morning but I didn't even go over to talk with him.  He came back up later and gave me a valentine's card & some of my favorite candy. I felt kind of bad because I didn't get him anything.  I didn't think friends did that type of stuff...but as I said, he's a bit different.  I know he considers me a good friend, he tells me a lot of very personal stuff, things his best male friends don't even know.  But in the end you're all right, I'm a better friend to him than he is to me.  He probably doesn't want to lose me as a friend and thinks that the flirting keeps me close and another guy would put an end to our friendship. I wouldn't stop being his friend if I get a boyfriend but it would surely change things.  Like he couldn't call or text me as often late at night and I don't think gifts from him would be appreciated by a boyfriend either.  I haven't flirted with him in months, only normal talk but that hasn't stopped him.  So now I'm just going to try and not be around for his morning "visits".  If that doesn't work I'm going to have to be more blunt and explain to him that the flirting isn't fair to me.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sat, 02-15-2014 - 2:40pm

  It is common for jealousy to be with people who are shy and timid.  Thy cannot express feeling due to fear of embarrassment.

chaika