Communicating in a relationship

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Communicating in a relationship
30
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 1:23pm

When you have a problem you need to talk about with a guy (or gal), how do you go about it?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 9:01am
I guess if you keep your expectations low, you can never be disappointed.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 12:59pm
yup, in any relationship there are bound to be difficulties no matter who you are with, it's just a matter of whether the 2 of you can work through the difficulties and if they aren't deal breakers for you. I believe that you can have either too low expectations or have too high expectations. It's all a matter of what's right and what makes each particular person happy. Did you end up having the talk with him? I do hope it goes well.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 10:06am
What is that in reference to? I don't see any low expectations being expressed by Shy - just realistic ones.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 10:16am

Hey, Shy.

I wanted to read through the thread before posting. I haven't been around much lately so I am out of the loop. Hehe.

I am definitely assertive but have never been accused of being a nag or being unreasonable when I bring up issues that I am having in a relationship. Part of that comes from the conviction that what I need in a relationship is reasonable and, if I am feeling like my needs are not being met, that I need to address it.

I have to admit that the tricky no-man'sland between a serious relationship and the honeymoon stage is probably the most anxiety producing period. Knowing that, I am sure that you understand that your feelings may be heightened. But it's also better to resolve any issues before moving on to that serious stage with these things unresolved.

Why not just present it to him that way? Let him know that you are really enjoying the process of getting to know one another on many levels. But part of that is just making sure that you are on the same page, etc.

It's never easy to bring this stuff up. In the short term, it's easier to hope that things will just work themselves out without any big talks. But in the long run, things will be much harder if they go without being addressed.

PS - Hope things are well with you!

Jules

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 7:46pm

I know it's necessary...will you do it for me? ;-)


I think he might be a bit afraid that I'm going to dump him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Fri, 01-05-2007 - 9:49am

Well - I hope that your sister's newfound freedom with driving doesn't get her in trouble.

Well, good luck with the talk and keep me posted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Fri, 01-05-2007 - 5:56pm

I'm not sure if this will help, but this is what I do. I tend to write it down, either in bullet format, or in letter format. If it's in bullet format, I give it to him, and tell K to read it, and I'll address each one as he reads them off. If it's a letter, I just give it to him to read. This is all done with the knowledge that it's the PRELUDE to talking. It's a way for me to get started.


I also tend to be totally ADD when I discuss thigns, so those notes help me keep on track, and talk about what was the main thing, instead of other piddly things. K laughs at me, because yes, sometimes I will have either post-its or notecards. lol.


But, in the end, it helps ME communicate with him how I feel and what is going on. And it helps to start the conversation. Granted, it's stilll hard to give him the notes, or say, "let's get started", but all in all, it's EASIER than just starting to talk about it. lol.


Good luck. I think it's a GREAT sign that he expressed he doesn't understand AND that he wants to continue it later.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2007
Fri, 01-05-2007 - 7:08pm

Having conversation is one of the greatest needs that I have and many women have. I have found....with dating some men....that I just come out and say....I need conversation and would like to spend some time discussing matters. There was a guy that just looked at me like I was from Planet Jupiter....and I was upfront with him and said....this is a need that I just have....and if you don't feel the same way....then I do believe that we should part.

I dated another guy....he would talk for awhile....and then he wanted to get chummy and start stroking....and I said....this is not what I want. Conversation doesn't mean sex....it means intellectual words with each other. He was not around in a short time. My ex and I had great conversation....early in dating....early in marriage....and till the middle of the marriage. I was married for 25 years. Things went bad later and in the 25th year of marriage he had a sexual affair. Would like the chance to reconcile now....after 4 years of divorce....only the Lord can make this miracle happen.

If you have the need for conversation....to date someone who doesn't fit the bill....will not make a marriage strong. I need conversation....and I need someone who isn't critical of others. I talk to my mother quite a bit....for I love her....but she is such a negative person....and conversation has been of chosen words....and I know now what subject to stick to. I believe....in the later part of my marriage....I was unhappy with my ex for he didn't treat me like a special woman....and I was feeling left out....with having 4 children and not feeling special. I became my mother....I am so sorry!

Many of us are ones who need great conversation....and it is hard to find someone who can fulfill this bill. Hope that I have helped you....for I am direct and tell the person upfront that conversation is essential for me. Blessings.

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Sat, 01-06-2007 - 1:05am
That's a good tip. I am not good with serious toned one on one convos myself!
Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sat, 01-06-2007 - 1:15am

I get totally ADD too when I try to have a conversation.

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