compliment or insult?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2007
compliment or insult?
12
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 2:00pm

Hi ladies. I know it seems strange that a man would come here but please let me explain. I met a really attractive woman at a party a few weeks ago. She had the classic figure of a 50's pinup - large bust, narrow waist, shapely hips/legs. Well, during the course of conversation I commented that she had a nice, full hourglass figure. I thought she would take it as a compliment. Instead, she became highly offended. She snapped "Well, perhaps I should model for Lane Bryant!", and then gave me a stinging slap on the cheek and walked away.

I guess she had interpreted "hourglass" as meaning big/overweight/full figured. I just thought it meant shapely and well proportioned. My buddies had watched the scene unfold and were laughing hysterically. When I told them what I had said they shook their heads and said it was never a good idea to comment on a woman's figure, even if I thought it was complimentary. What are your thoughts on this?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 2:06pm

I think when you threw the word "full" in there, she took it the wrong way.

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 2:09pm
She smacked you? That seems a little dramatic to me. If I were offended, which, in this case I would not have been, you might have gotten an eye roll and ignored from there on out but not smacked.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 2:09pm
Yeah I definitely think it was the "full" comment that offended her. No women really wants to hear "full" as in "plus-sized".
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 2:38pm

First and foremore I think it was rather forward of you to compliment a woman you don't know on her body. Not a good idea.

I don't think it warranted a slap on the face though. Hitting is not acceptable at all. It wasn't necessary.

So that said, as far as the "hourglass" comment - I guess that depends on the woman. Hourglasses are definitely not the thing right now. Most women you see who are put up as standards of beauty are shaped like breadsticks, and that's what we women are encouraged by the media to look like. If we are "cursed" with a different body shape, we can be quite sensitive about it.

I think she took it the wrong way. However, I do think you were out of line complimenting her on her body. You just don't say that to a woman you just met. It makes her feel like a big piece of meat to be judged.

*edited to add the slap bit. I didn't notice that at first.




Edited 5/29/2007 2:40 pm ET by emdeesea
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 3:13pm

You were completely out of line.

Would you want a strange guy going up to your mom or sister and saying "hey baby, nice stack", which is basically what you did. I don't care how you worded it.


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2007
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 3:29pm

<

Would you want a strange guy going up to your mom or sister and saying "hey baby, nice stack", which is basically what you did. I don't care how you worded it.>>

Well, it wasn't quite like that. Let me give you some background and from that you can better determine why she reacted the way she did. I must say that I do feel conflicted about this because she really seemed like a thoughtful and intelligent woman and I would love to have gotten to know her better. I think I may have unknowingly struck a nerve.

Ok, we had been chatting for a while about various things. I'm an avid runner and was talking about a recent 10k race I ran. She told me I looked like I was a runner since I have a slender, athletic frame. So in response to that, I thought I would compliment her on her figure.

Maybe she interpreted "full hourglass" as being fat in comparison to my slender build. FWIW, there was also a sizeable age gap between us....I'm 25 and she was 34...not sure if that is relevant or not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 4:15pm

Yeah, I still think you both were somewhat at fault. Just one of those misunderstandings that happens.

First thing: *Her* comment on your physique was related to your running; *your* return comment was related to the nice shape of her body. Related to what? Is she a runner? Did she say she was an athlete? Or did she just have a nice shape that you liked? So the first thing *could be* that it was an unwarranted comment on her body.

Additionally, I think it was the combination of the words "full" and "hourglass." I'm 35 and I would *luuuuv* to have an hourglass figure. However, if the word "full" was added in there, that starts sounding like "full-figured," - a more PC term term for "fat."

Unfortunately it's all choice of words and people get their feathers ruffled before having a complete understanding of the entire conversation. The whole forest for the trees thing. And some women are just more sensitive than others.

Best bet is to compliment her on her hair or eyes or something innocuous like that. Keep the figure comments out of it until you know her better. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2007
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 5:19pm

<>

Yeah, I think you're right. My comment was not in the context of any sort of athletic activity. While I was trying to return a compliment, it was focused on her womanly attributes, and may have been a bit demeaning, as it appeared that I viewed her as a sexual object. I must confess that it was hard to control my eyes. She had an incredible figure.

<>

Yep, I think "nice full" was the clincher.

<>

Plus you have to factor in the age difference....at that point she may have been thinking "Who does this young punk think he is?!". I think she would have cut a man in his forties a bit more slack, and may have even welcomed his advances. Instead, I get a slap across the face, LOL. Oh well, such is the price of youth ;-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 5:53pm

If the woman is a stranger, I say err on the side of caution and don't make any comments that could be construed as overly sexual or as overt assessments of her body. Many women are self conscious of their bodies, and don't want to feel like that's the only thing you noticed about her.

I think saying something like, "Wow, you're beautiful" would have been better. Then she knows it's a compliment. She may still think it's a line, but she should be at least a little flattered.

From personal experience... I am fairly tall, and men in bars, etc. will often use lines like "you're a tall drink of water." It's an instant turn off, because being tall growing up meant I was lanky, taller than the boys, always in the back row -- I was self conscious about it as a girl and, with the wrong line, can still be self conscious about it now.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 10:09pm

That's exactly what I thought.

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