Compromising vs. settling?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Compromising vs. settling?
3
Tue, 07-11-2006 - 11:24am

A few nights ago another single friend and I were talking about the many men we've dated. One of the main reasons we both feel we've never been married is b/c we've never met a man who seems to want to experience the same level of emotional intimacy as most women do. For example, most women I know want to share their feelings, experiences, etc. with their friends and their SOs and will ask questions to those people to encourage deeper conversation etc. However, most men I know are much happier simply getting surface answers. A common example (and a well known stereotype) is a man vs. a woman's desire to talk about their days when they get home. For example, all the men I've dated and even the guys I am friends with may ask about my day ,but as soon as I say "oh, my boss was being a real jerk today, it was a hard day." They'll respond with "that sucks, sorry to hear that" (or something similar) and then be ready to move on to the next topic. My woman friends on the other hand, are much more likely to say "what happened? tell me about it" and a long conversation will result. Hence I've always felt much more emotionally intimate with my woman friends than any man I've dated since it seems like my woman friends are much more interested in hearing and knowing about my life, the events that go on in it, and how I think/feel about these events. Therfore, I've always said I don't want to get married till I meet a guy who seems as interested in these type of conversations as my woman friends do & who I feel I am just as emotionally intimate with as I am with my female friends.

However, after the conversation with my friend the other night, I started asking lots of my married woman friends more about this. The ones who were married all acknowledged that generally yes, they do not share as much information with their husbands as they might with their girlfriends, simply b/c their husbands don't seem as interested in this level of "detail." To be honest this kind of shocked me. For me personally, having someone who is intricately involved and interested in my life, someone who wants to hear about the details of my day, my problems, my concerns and discuss them, seems like a prerequisite for marriage. I feel I don't want to marry someone who isn't my best friend and who I can't have similar conversations with that I have with my female friends--otherwise I'd always feel emotionally much closer to my female friends than my husband & he would always sort of be "second place" emotionally. To me, accepting anything less would be "settling" and I'd feel something was missing. However, after hearing my perspective, many of my married friends have suggested that if they'd waited for the same thing they'd never be married. That its a fact of life that men relate differently than woman and its wrong to think I'll ever meet a man who cares to be as emotionally intimate as my girlfriends do. That I shouldn't look to my (potential) husband to fill the same role my woman friends do and just accept that I am going to relate differently to him than I will to my female friends otherwise I will never get married (they're not pressuring me to get married, they just know a happy marriage IS one of my life goals). They do not consider it "settling" to have married a man they are less emotionally intimate with, just more an acceptance of a fact of life that acknowledges the differences btwn men and women & a difference in their expectations regarding marriage.

Anyways, these conversations really got me thinking & I'm starting to wonder if my maybe my married friends are right--am I expecting too much from a marriage or a man? LIke I mentioned, I personally have never met a man who is as emotionally intimate with me as my girlfriends (even my many male friends, dad and brother do not meet this expectation) and a large, informal survey of my friends who are married and in long term relationships would seem to indicate that they have not found this type of man either--rather they've seen that as something that just doesn't exist and a necessary compromise they need to accept if they truly want to choose marriage as a path in life. Maybe I do need to accept that men just aren't 'wired' to talk as intimately as woman and forget the idea that I need to be able to talk to a man like I do my woman friends before I consider him marriage worthy. On the other hand, part of me feels like accepting a man who I do not have that level of emotional intimacy with would be settling. I'd be interested to hear others thoughts or perspectives on this one....

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2006
Tue, 07-11-2006 - 12:16pm
You will find what you are looking for and you will notice that the level of communication will be just as intimate, just different. I think guys get over-whelmed by too many details. They will be there for you when you need them, but it seems they would like the shorter version. I really don't think they have the attention span to take all of it in and I really don't mean this in a bad way. I just feel that they want to know what the problem is, hear how it bothered you, and then try to figure out how to fix it. When you find the right guy, you will find that he will fulfill you in many ways that you never expected, which is different than your friends. So I would not give up on finding a guy who can be your best friend. A man can compliment you in so many positive ways. I have always felt that a man can never make up for all the things that girlfriends give you and a girlfriend will never be able to give you all the things a man can bring. This is why I think it is healthy to continue having your friends as well as your SO. So many women drop their friends when they fall in love and don't realize how unhealthy it is.
Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 07-11-2006 - 12:18pm

I don't think I'd expect to be able to talk to a man the way I talk to women.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2006
Wed, 07-12-2006 - 11:50pm

I had to respond! Wow, I can't believe that your friends told you that! Yes, I have dated guys that gave the blanket response but I have had relationship with men that have not done so. My last boyfriend was the latter in fact we still talk to this day. I have told him things that I haven't told my girlfriends and yes he has responded accordingly. We still have hours long conversation about the days, weeks, or months events whether happy, sad, dating stories, etc. We were like that since the first day we talked on the phone. The guy I am currently dating, we talk about everything his passion, fears, day at work and vice versa. I really don't understand why they would tell you this??? Perhaps, they don't have this because it wasn't one of their requirments in their mates not because it doesn't exist. Perhaps they've shut that part of themselves off to their SO's. Man that sucks, sorry but it does!! I can't agree with you more about not having this in your SO. The thought of your SO being second in the emotional intimacy department, is crazy! I know that you don't know me, but I am honestly stating that I have not run into that problem, that is, with a man that I am continually dating or chose to be in a relationship with. Again, there have been guys that I have dated that have pulled that, but for me its a turn off, so adios! I have to be able to communicate with my guy about anything from politics to the butt-munch at my job and not feel like I am competing against his attention span. How else do you get to know a person if you don't know their thought processes, what makes them tick, cry, laugh about their workday or everday life events like why you think the movie "The Perfect Man" is totally dysfunctional- all levels of intimacy? How else do you stay connected and dive deeper into you all's level of intimacy if you all's expression is cut off? If that is what you want, then, that is what you will find. Don't let someone else's decision not to want or have that affect your outlook. I think that people can have their soulmate (meaning a person that has their same desires) if they just didn't settle.
Please hold on to what you want, its nothing wrong with it! Its happening all around the world even as you read my post.

Good luck, Risk!
GG25