Confessing to a Physical Flaw

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Confessing to a Physical Flaw
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Fri, 02-02-2007 - 9:41am

We had a question here recently about when a handicapped person should disclose his handicap to someone s/he is meeting online. This is a similar question, but not exactly the same. Physical (and emotional) handicaps may affect daily living, but some of us have flaws that are not handicaps, but are nevertheless unattractive.

When should a person disclose to a date (or prospective date) that "what you see is NOT what you get"? There are women out there with "falsies" (some because of masectomies, some because they were less endowed than they wanted to be), men and women with fake teeth, men and women who wear hairpieces... How and when do they tell a potential lover about this?

I belong to the last group. Everything about me is real except the hair at the crown of my head. I had a medical condition which caused my hair to thin a lot even when I was in my thirties. I began to wear a hairpiece in my early forties. At the time I was married, so I did not do this to fool men into finding me attractive. :) My ex was used to my lack of hair. He was happy for me to wear a hairpiece in public, but when we made love it did not bother him that the hair he ran his hands through was thin. He'd gotten used to my hair loss gradually, as I had. I started wearing the hairpiece to look good to the world.

But now I am dating. Not a lot, because there aren't a lot of men that I find attractive who find me attractive also. I've done a bit of online dating and I had a couple of dates with a guy I met in real life. Now I am dating a guy I met online. We'll be having our fourth date this weekend, if nothing goes wrong. And at some point we may move from the goodnight peck on the lips to something more. If I don't tell him about the hairpiece in advance, he may find out at a fairly awkward moment.

Still, I am afraid of telling him. I worry that if he knows too soon, that will be a turnoff. This guy and I are poised on the edge between friendship and a romantic relationship. We know we can be friends, the question is can we be more? If I tell him about my hair too soon, I may throw the relationship firmly into "friends." If I don't tell him until he finds it out for himself, my not having told may ruin the relationship. I don't want to deceive him. It just hasn't come up and I can't bring myself to bring it up. Should I? And what do I say?

Elsa

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Registered: 05-06-2006
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 2:43pm

Your labeling this as "personal" is one of the things that makes me nervous. It's like if I tell him and it is "too soon" he might take it the wrong way (like I'm trying to be too intimate) and if I don't tell him he might feel I tricked him or cheated in some way.

I tell my friends and acquaintances this information when the subject comes up. We are talking about not liking our own hair--I tell; someone compliments me on how I hardly have any gray hair--I tell. I told a male friend whom I hardly knew because he was anxious about his bald spot and I thought it would make him feel better. I try to act like it's not a big deal. I try to act like it's of no more significance than mentioning that I wear orthopedic shoes (which I don't) or I have an allergy to peanuts or whatever.

Yeah, in a perfect world, the guy who is worth anything won't care about it. And if he does care, then it's best to stop the relationship before it starts.

Also, as I explained to Sherry, he might accidentally find out if for any reason he needs to touch my hair. And people often do touch each other's heads when they move to kiss--it's not just when you are getting into the sort of intimacy that would require "exclusivity."

A friend of mine thinks I should just be "open" and shave all my hair and make a "statement" by going around without any hair at all. I don't see why this would be better than wearing a hairpiece, but it would certainly be "open."

I suppose there is no good answer. I wish this weren't such a big deal. Lots of women have this problem. I know one who is a university professor who is terrified her students will find out and will make nasty jokes about her. (She should shave her head. They'd think she was cool.)

It's not easy, and yet it's such a simple thing.

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 2:53pm

Thanks biochic,

I just don't want to either be too hasty or to leave it too late. I'm not particularly ashamed about it--I talk about it openly with friends and so forth, among other things because it is a normal condition for many women and we need to bring it out into the open.

However, there's a difference between bringing it out into the open in general, and me having to tell a guy I like that I wear a "hair integration system" (they aren't really called hairpieces when they are as expensive as mine. :) )

I am very glad to hear that you have had acceptance about your problem.

Each guy is different, but I agree that if a guy is worth anything, he's not going to be held up by a superficial thing.

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 2:55pm

"You know, we all say that what really counts is the person inside. But we also (consciously or unconsciously) discard a lot of potential partners because of a flaw that bothers us. He's too short, she's too fat, he has a large nose, I don't like those hairy arms... whatever. If this guy had met me w/out my hairpiece, he prob wouldn't have been attracted. So I feel maybe I have been deceptive"

I think a lot of people discard potential partners because of the fact that there is no romantic chemistry or they dont' really like the person's personality or not compatible. It's not because we see a physical flaw about the person that we decide to "discard" them. In fact, if you are into the person (see compatibility and feel the connection) then you will most likely accept a physical flaw. I think not accepting a physcial flaw is an excuse for just saying that you aren't really into that person as a whole KWIM?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 3:06pm

Re: <>

I think that if you find a person physically unattractive, it is very likely to affect "romantic chemistry." So yeah, I think that physical appearance makes more of a difference than people like to admit.

Even so, I agree that in the end what makes or breaks a relationship is not physical appearance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 3:07pm

"I just don't want to either be too hasty or to leave it too late. I'm not particularly ashamed about it--I talk about it openly with friends and so forth, among other things because it is a normal condition for many women and we need to bring it out into the open.

However, there's a difference between bringing it out into the open in general, and me having to tell a guy I like that I wear a "hair integration system" (they aren't really called hairpieces when they are as expensive as mine. :) )"

Yes this is a definate worry, when is it too soon or too late. I think you will know when the time is right. It might be too soon now if you are too worried, but I wouldn't wait too much longer KWIM. It IS different telling a romantic partner than a friend and we do get more nervous about having romantic partners accept us more than we do about our friends accepting us. It is a very hard/touchy subject, but like you said, it's not like it's such a big deal because a lot of women go through the same thing as you have. My "problem" is common in the overall population, which I tend to forget sometimes when I'm down on myself, but it always is nerve-racking to discuss with a new romantic partner.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Sat, 02-03-2007 - 5:53am

Elarisa,

I definitely believe in immediate disclosure if someone had been married before and/or had children because I personally don't want to get involved with someone who has baggage. However, I think your situation is a little different and I think by bringing it up on the first date, you're making it into an issue and it only becomes an issue, if you make it one. We live in a world where hair extensions, breast implants, coloured contact lenses and botox are no longer the domain of celebrities. I don't believe your hair piece is about vanity as much as it is about trying to fit into a society that is focused on looks. I understand that it's a huge issue for you but from an objective point of view, I don't think that a man should or would be bothered by it.

In a way, it's an easy out for you because any man who would discount you because of a hairpiece is a jerk. I think the turn off comes more from the fact that you are not comfortable with yourself and you are insecure and that is what men may find unattractive. I am attracted to men who have the confidence to carry off physical faults. I walked into a bar and I had this funny character waltz up to me and start chatting me up. Admittedly, he was very good looking but he had this funny little square bump on his head. He had a shaved head and it was very noticeable. Being the sensitive soul that I am (sarcasm), I asked him if I touched the bump, would it change the channel on the tv. He laughed at that comment and he had the ability and the confidence to laugh at himself and that was really sexy. We ended up going out for months (the bump mysteriously decreased in size and became non existant) and we're still friends to this day.

On a side note as you mentioned the post about the wheelchair which I missed, I have been going to a new gym and I noticed this hot guy who incidentally is in a wheelchair. When I mentioned this to other people, it was such a huge issue and I didn't quite understand why. However, I don't consider sex to integral to a relationship and I would prefer to be with someone who was my emotional, intellectual and spirtual equal. I mentioned that I thought this guy was hot to another male gym member (A) who had latched onto me the first time I went to the gym and he was surprised that I liked B and that his estimation of me went up (yeah, like it couldn't go any higher - joking!) I was quite surprised by that because I really didn't feel that it wasn't a turn off at all. In fact, it probably made him more interesting and appealing to me. I think having imperfections and facing challenges in life builds character. Anyway, this guy told me that the guy in the wheelchair (B) was married but he liked me and thought I was hot. I said he was married and that was the end of the conversation (for me anyway). The next day when I am at work, I receive a phone call from B who proceeded to tell me that A shouldn't have told him that I was married and basically repeated everything I told A. It was a very short conversation but he virtually repeated everything word for word. For example, when he told me B was married twice (which was a turn off within itself), I said as a joke, does he want to get married a third time? Well, B said that joke back to me. I was disgusted and embarrassed. I had A's number because I was going to set him up with my friend so after I hung up on B after telling him for being disrespect to his wife and rang up A straight after and confronted him. He said that B was lacking in self esteem and that is why he told him that I thought he was hot because it would make him feel better. I said anyone who has the confidence (and stupidity) to ring up someone at work like that does not lack confidence. I find it really patronising that A would assume that because someone is in a wheelchair or has a physical affliction that they would automatically lacking in confidence. Some of the most confident people that I know are in wheelchairs or have some kind of disability or physical flaw. I think the difference between me and A was that I saw B as a man and a person whereas all B could see was the wheelchair. Regardless of whether he was in a wheelchair or not, it still made him a cheating ar$ehole.

Ok, this is turned into a long post as per usual. My side note which was supposed to be a side dish seems to turn have turned into the main meal. Bottom line: you need to give this man a chance to accept you as the beautiful person you are without or without the hairpiece. You need to trust him to understand. I've been hurt by people who haven't told me things about themselves but I am one of the few people who have the ability to see beyond the physical but to look at me, you would think that I was superficial and materialistic. Give him and yourself more credit. You're far more than a hairpiece but you need to believe and understand that first before you can expect other people to.

Feisty

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Sat, 02-03-2007 - 11:46am

Hi Feisty,

Actually, the "hair integration unit" is not a big deal for me most of the time except when (a) the wind blows strongly (I have to get a scarf) or (b) I am dating/trying to date.

I'm not self-conscious about it. I think I look good in it. And I've never had any trouble being open about it to friends and even casual acquaintances (like when I'm at a meeting and a bunch of us are in the restroom and someone I hardly know comments on my hair for some reason, I will as often as not explain that it is a hairpiece).

But I can see that it would be more of an issue for a man who is interested (may be interested) in me romantically.

I will surely tell this guy when a good opportunity comes up, but it's just not come up. And I do worry that the next time it comes up will be when he innocently touches my head for some reason. I'd like to anticipate this without making a big production of "by the way, I'm almost bald." :)

Cause it would really spoil a romantic moment to spring this sort of thing on a man.

Elsa

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