Confused about my feelings all of a sudden

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2013
Confused about my feelings all of a sudden
Sun, 03-24-2013 - 10:36pm


I will try to make this as short as possible.

I met this guy a year ago, due to circumstances, we could not be together and I really liked him, and I think he liked me. We would find stuff to talk about, no big deal.

Over time, for me, it turned from infatuation to what I believe is a form of love. When I don't see him for days or hear from him, I feel this anxiety in my chest and this need to talk to him, or just be around him even if we wouldn't say anything.

Recently, the reasons we could not be together are no longer present so the door is open. I called him out of the blue and we both know that things are different now so we could pursue one another. Like I mentioned, once I Talked to him, I felt much more calm and life was good. I was extremely nervous for the first time, so in a normal situation where I would have been chill and found stuff to talk about, there were some pauses, which were filled shortly after. The convo lasted about an hour on the phone and then at the end he said we should plan to meet up soon and I said okay.

Now, we've known each other for a year. We've fought, I've cried, we've made up (in a friendly manner). Not a lot, just normal. We became really close that way I feel like.
It's just a strange feeling to me because I wonder if because I have known him so long , do I see him as a friend?

When I thought I was going to lose him altogether, I was so scared. I cried and felt a lot of pain when I remembered him. When I finally got the guts to call him, everything was fine. He is normally a talkative guy, and even he seemed a little quiet/nervous on the phone. (Or maybe I just felt like he was).

I have never feeled this way about anyone. If I feel like there is not much convo, I will lose interest quickly and not want the person. In this case, if I don't hear from him I feel like my soul isn't restful. I constantly wonder what he's doing, how he's doing. I care for him deeply.  I still imagine kissing him and more... We have never kissed... Just not crazy intense as much as I used to... Has anyone ever felt like this? Also to note, although we have very little in common, to me, all of our core beliefs abou t life, family, jobs, etc is spot on. The stuff that has always mattered to me, we are very compatible. Our interests are different, but for the first time it doesn't matter to me... Yet why don't I feel this intense surge? I am okay with it, but it worries me that he wouldn't be... In the beginning I felt a lot of that but we could not act on it. We've always flirted, fought like married couples, random ppl thought we were a couple... etc... Help?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2011
Mon, 03-25-2013 - 9:00am
Until you at least go out on several dates, all you have is a fantasy and it is easy to be "in love" with a fantasy because they can be anything you want them to be. But often reality comes crashing down when they are nothing of who you thought them to be. You might as well flip on your TV and fall in love with a TV character, it's the same thing.
I don't see anywhere where you two have actually gone on a date. Before holding your life up any more with this stuff.....unless glorifying someone and occasional phone calls is all you can say to him that it has been a while since you've seen each other, how about grabbing a coffee.
If nothing develops like actually going out a few times, it is best to move on. Right now, you're living too much in your mind.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 03-25-2013 - 11:03am

I agree.  Has all this been going on over the phone?  Or did you develop this fantasy about a guy because you couldn't have him?  (I wonder if the reason you couldn't be together was because he had a wife or GF and now that person is out of the picture?)  Don't build everything up so much--go out with him and see how you hit things off.  Sometimes the forbidden nature, or the idea that you "can't have" a guy makes him so much more appealing and then you're with him and it's a big let down--not saying this is sure to happen, but you know, go on with your life, don't make everything about him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2013
Mon, 03-25-2013 - 5:48pm

Hey, thanks for replying guys..

.No, I was the one in a relationship, he was always single. We've always known each other but I broke up with my bf back in November. Friday was when this new guy and I finally spoke over the phone (I called him) and he said he will call me and we'll make plans to get together. It's weird because we used to be quite chatty and flirty... Now it's almost like were nervous. I could hear him laughing at my stupid jokes, but having less to say... He is a social guy it was just weird how it didn't seem that way when talking to me? He did seem genuinly happy to hear from me...

We did have stuff to talk about but like I said there were some pauses. It's funny because all the men I've dated previously, we've had a lot in common, but the core of the relationship had problems. It confuses me because this guy and I have very little in common but I am eager to learn more about him. And like I mentioned before, at the core we are very similar and have ery similar personalities. I feel like I understand him as a person better (positives, negatives), rather than not understanding him yet having stuff in common. We support each other, communicate, and fight well (if that makes sense)... I know we can find things to do together...

Yeah, I am excited but really nervous to go on this date. I worry that if we don't have things in common, it will end soon. I see a future in him like I've never seen before and it scares me, only bc I am willing to make it work no matter what. I've never been so willing to make something work before, but the kind of person he is exactly what I've always wanted and I am willing to sacrifice having things in common if I can be with a person that I can connect with on other levels.

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Tue, 03-26-2013 - 3:31pm

First of all, kudos to you for jumping right back in to the dating game and while I'm at it, kudos for having someone to jump in with, LOL.  I would urge you to try to slow your thinking a little and just try to enjoy getting to know this guy on a different level.  Try to be in the moment when with him, and not over think it when you are not(I know that is easier said than done, trust).  Good luck & please let us know how it's going ;)

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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sat, 02-15-2014 - 7:58pm

Fantasy love is very powerful.  But yu must understand emotionally it is a fantasy.  Reality is that your feelings are there in fact and unlike the fantasy where your imagination controls the action there is not control in reality.