Confused - I want to do the right thing

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2012
Confused - I want to do the right thing
Sat, 07-27-2013 - 8:47pm

Hey hey, I need some advice. I've posted on here before regarding the same guy and your advice have been great, so here I am again. 

So I've been going out with this guy for about a month now. On date 4 he wanted us to just exclusively see each other, but I was hesitent, so he said he'll put his dating profile back up again since he'd already taken it down. So we're dating right now under the pretext that we are both still allowed to see other people (but I took my profile down as I didn't really feel the need to be on there at the moment). We talk and text all the time. Neither of us are really talking to anyone else. But I'm sure if someone else messages him on his dating profile that he likes, he'll pursue it. 

My thing is - I just don't feel like I want to be exclusively dating him. He's a great guy. He treats me better than any guy has ever treated me. But I just don't feel that "connection" with him. I don't know why. I just don't feel close to him. Although, I think he feels that connection with me. That's why I wanted to give it some time to see if I'll get that feeling. But after a month, you should know if there's potential, right? 

And another thing is - I'm reconnecting with an ex from a few years ago. I've never really got over him - and right when I started seeing this new guy, I just felt like I had to reconnect with my ex while I was single. I know it sounds ridiculous. But I just couldn't get him out of my head - obviously I have trouble letting him go. He lives on the other side of the country. Ironically, he just got out of a relationship with the girl that he started dating 2 months after me and him broke up. We're flirting very lightly. But I don't think he's thinking of anything serious about it seeing as in how we live so far away from each other. Plus he's probably in a rebound phase right now. I can tell he's using me to make his ex jealous.

So my issue is - do I keep seeing this new guy when I don't feel the crazy butterflies for him yet? Like I said I think the main motivation for me continuing to see him is because he's genuinely the nicest guy I've ever gone out with. I've always gone for the bad boys and in the end it never works out. So I wanted to give a nice guy a chance. Or should we just keep seeing each other like we've been seeing each other so far - non exclusively dating each other? I've told him I don't want to be in a relationship. I need a third person's opinion on whether I'm leading him on because my ex is in the picture. 

This is probably the most confused sounding post ever written.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2012
Mon, 07-29-2013 - 11:22pm

Thanks everyone. I broke things off with the guy I was seeing... whether or not my ex was in the picture, I shouldn't be seeing someone when I wasn't head over heels just because they're a nice person... I tried to make it work, but it just wasn't there. Maybe once my head is clearer and if I feel differently, I can see if he wants to pick things back up again. In the mean time I didn't think it was fair to lead him on. It was tough because he thought things were going well.... :(

As for my ex, he said he might come visit me.... but I know he's probably just rebounding... Either way, I just want to see him one more time to see if there's anything there. I really don't think I will be able to be at peace with myself otherwise.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2005
Mon, 07-29-2013 - 2:35pm

If you want to do the right thing, I think that would be cutting off contact with both guys.  One you don't really want a relationship with, and the other doesn't really want a relationship with you.  You deserve more.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Mon, 07-29-2013 - 4:00am

 It sounds like you wanted the cart before the horse.  Yes, date many people and do not rush to have a "relationship".  Your not drowning and a relationship does not work to keep one afloat.  There are things emotionally only you can work out for yourself.  Excietment is one of those things.  Some people make great lovers.  You see them and get wet.  Others take time.  Only you can decide.


Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Sun, 07-28-2013 - 10:55am

Here's my take on it, although I'm not sure you'll like it. 

You need to cut both of them loose. We strongly suggested you not contact your ex, but you did. I think we also suggested that you try being exclusive with the new guy because your fears were unfounded. If the old guy is keeping you from moving on with a new guy, you need to stop talking to him, then take some time to heal before you date anyone. It's really not fair to either one of them. 

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Sun, 07-28-2013 - 8:02am

I agree with Music.  if you aren't feeling anything yet, there's a pretty good chance that you never will, although, with the ex in the picture, will anybody get a fair shot?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 07-27-2013 - 10:57pm

Since you have both agreed that you're not exclusively dating, I don't know if you're really leading him on--however I wouldn't keep things going too much longer if you really feel that you're not getting to like him more.  Usually as you get to know someone better you either realize that you're really not right for each other or you start liking each other more as you get closer.  If you feel that you're not getting closer, probably better to break up before he gets too attached.