confused. lost.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2006
confused. lost.
39
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 10:06pm

okay. i don't enjoy dating. not at all. i'd rather have it be casual hanging out as friends... things can build from there.

i ended up in a relationship with the most amazing person ever... so i thought. well, i still think he's the best thing ever, but anyway. i didn't want to get involved, but i ended up falling hard. we were making all these plans and things were going REALLY well. we never had an argument - no trouble whatsoever.

one day, he just ended it. "it's too hard," he told me. well, i was devastated. i actually think it was the first time i had been in love. no, i KNOW it was. i never let my guard down, and with him... it just came so easy. complete comfort from the moment we met. that's incredibly rare for me.

so after we broke up, i decided to have myself a little "coming out" weekend. my re-entry into society, so to speak. well, i planned on meeting this guy and his best friend (who's a girl) at a show last night. we went and met and things were going well! we ended up going back to his place - the three of us. we talked for a long time, then she had to go. i told him i'd leave if he liked, he asked me to stay. so we sat there talking for a while and he made his move.

we kissed for the longest time, and he decided he was ready to move forward. i resisted. he kept on and we eventually ended up in his bed - his pants down, me completely clothed. things happened, and at around 3 am, i went home. when i left, things were fine. he was being really sweet and kissy and nice and huggy and all that stuff.

then today - nothing. he won't talk to me. i im'ed him this morning to tell him hi and everything as i felt a little awkward. he told me he was fine... and that was it. no other response from him. so i thought maybe he was just busy. i im'ed him again later and got NO response at all. evidently, he doesn't want anything to do with me. and i don't understand why!

he was another sweet one! he's really shy and softspoken and nice and polite etc etc. and i've managed to bring out the jerk in him. just like what happened with my ex. i don't understand what i'm doing or what i need to do or what i'm not doing.

i know they say that guys respect you less if you do anything sexual, blah blah blah... i resisted the BIG thing, and i'm still in trouble for it. as much as he pushed me, i resisted having sex. HOW in the heck can this be possible? how can guys push so hard, and then turn around and treat a girl like she's useless?

we didn't have sex, but we did other things, right? okay. he seemed fine with that. i just don't understand. i don't understand him, i don't understand my ex... i think it must be something wrong with me. i don't know how to fix it or what to do.

i just moved to this city, too... so i don't have any friends here yet to discuss these things with. and now i don't feel like going out for fear of this kind of thing happening again (something similar actually happened with two other guys when i VERY FIRST moved here, but i knew they were jerks, so i sort of expected it and it didn't bother me so much). i just don't know what to do now. i don't know how to fix all this or how to fix myself. i'm lost.

anyone have any advice to offer up? shed some light on these situations for me?

so this guy ruined my coming out weekend. now i've locked myself in my apartment which is the antithesis of what i was SUPPOSED to be doing tonight. ugh.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 11:33pm

I'm sorry your "coming out" night was ruined. Try not to be so hard on yourself. I don't think it's you "bringing out the worst" in these guys. There's nothing wrong with you. People are complex and relationships

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Sun, 06-04-2006 - 3:37am

There is nothing wrong with you other than your misguided view on men and sex. A simple rule of thumb would be not to do *ANYTHING* sexual with a man until at least the 3rd official date. If a man is really into you he will wait patiently and never, NEVER, *NEVER*, N-E-V-E-R push you for anything sexual apart from a passionate kiss. Did I make that clear enough?

Common Myths about men and sex

1) Sex makes or breaks a relationship
2) Men lose interest after sex
3) A man will lose interest if you don't have sex early on

Read this article (aimed at older women but still VERY pertinent):

http://www.thirdage.com/news/articles/ALT03/05/03/15/ALT03050315-02.html

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2005
Sun, 06-04-2006 - 11:42am

I think it's *your* choice as to when you get sexual with someone.

I used to beat myself up for letting things go too fast, and blamed myself for a man's subsequent lack of interest or respect. I thought I was letting myself get used, and that no guy would ever stick around.

Then, I met a guy while dancing, found out he was in the army and leaving for Texas the next day, and also that we had a nice chemistry. I thought, what the heck, and we had a fling. I knew I wouldn't hear from him again, but the funny thing is that I did! He came by my apt. the next day before he left, and he still emails and calls me. Clearly, there's no relationship, but this man did not lose respect for me because I slept with him, and if he were closer, there would be some possibilities.

I met another man (also dancing) and also had a short one-night fling. Again, I expected him to lose interest instantly, but he didn't. I met someone else, and decided I wanted a relationship with this someone else, and so told this fling it was just a fling. He still calls about once a month to see how I am doing.

So, the conclusion of my silly stories? Some guys are interested, and some aren't.

There are men I've held back with, and they didn't call just the same, and there are men I haven't held back with, and they've stuck around. And it's the same with me. If I am in a place to start a relationship and I like a guy, I'll like him whether we have sex right away or wait. And, if I'm not in that place or not really interested, I'll probably stay that way even if we wait on sex (duh!).

Life is full of experiences, and it sounds to me like you want to enjoy and dive in. Congrats! But of course that's sometimes scary and depressing and frustrating, too. There really are so many men out there, and I think you'll be surprised with how great a few of them are. When I look back on the guys who didn't call me back, I think 'thank goodness,' because it's let me find others who really are worth my while. And I don't regret the experiences. Just stay safe, and make sure your choices are for *you* above all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Sun, 06-04-2006 - 12:50pm

>So, the conclusion of my silly stories?
>Some guys are interested, and some aren't.

This isn't a revelation. The idea is to filter out the men who just want sex and nothing else. Why have sex with every man you meet in the hope that one may be interested enough to stick around? If you want to increase your chances of finding a man that is relationship material then it's best to build an emotional bond with him first. You aren't in a relationship with ANY of the men in your "silly stories". They are doing the bare minimum to ensure they may one day have sex with you again, that's all.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sun, 06-04-2006 - 5:32pm

I think your only mistake was having an expectation of a phone call (or even conversation) the next day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 2:43am

>I don't think it matters how soon you have sex
>or don't have sex. It's all about what you're
>comfortable with.

Why do women keep saying this? It has *NOTHING* to do with what you're comfortable with and *EVERYTHING* to do with what you are looking for. So it *DOES* matter how soon you have sex if you want a relationship but keep meeting men who disappear after a one night stand. There are men that just want to score and have no interest in maintaining a relationship. DON'T think that having sex with them will change their mind!!! A man who is genuine relationship material will not be in any rush to have sex because he plans to see you again and again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 8:41am

<>

I really think this bears repeating! This is something mothers used to tell their daughters but I guess they don't anymore because a lot of women seem be hurt and confused when a guy doesn't contact them after first/second/third-date sex. Ladies, when you have sex too soon I think the guy looks upon you as a sort of prostitute who does it for free. If you want a relationship with a man, if you want respect, and love -then WAIT !! Iri

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 10:50am

My point was that having sex or not having sex with a guy will NOT change what he is after.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 11:28am

>My point was that having sex or not having sex
>with a guy will NOT change what he is after.

I agree. So why rush into sex?

>If he wants a one night stand and I have
>sex with him, he won't call.

I agree. If you don't want a one-night stand what do you gain by having sex with him?

>If he truly does want a relationship with someone
>and I do have sex with him he'll call if he's interested.

I agree. He will still be interested if you don't have sex with him on the 1st, 2nd, 3rd date. So what is the rush?

>He won't call if he's not, regardless of what I do.

I agree. So why be a "prostitute" for men who aren't interested in you?

>He's probably already decided that before he takes our pants off.

Don't let him take your pants off until he has proven himself worthy. Is it really so hard to do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 11:32am

<< If he truly does want a relationship with someone, and I do have sex with him he'll call if he's interested. He won't call if he's not, regardless of what I do. >>

No, I think what happens is a man can be interested at first and then when he finds out that a woman is easy he loses interest in having any kind of long-term relationship with her because that is not a characteristic he is looking for in a girl-friend or wife. It's just like when you go out on a date with a man you find interesting and on your first/second/third date you find out something about him that is offensive to you (like that he is into swinging or that he hunts or whatever)and then you realize he is not the man you thought he was and you lose interest. Iri

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