confused. lost.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2006
confused. lost.
39
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 10:06pm

okay. i don't enjoy dating. not at all. i'd rather have it be casual hanging out as friends... things can build from there.

i ended up in a relationship with the most amazing person ever... so i thought. well, i still think he's the best thing ever, but anyway. i didn't want to get involved, but i ended up falling hard. we were making all these plans and things were going REALLY well. we never had an argument - no trouble whatsoever.

one day, he just ended it. "it's too hard," he told me. well, i was devastated. i actually think it was the first time i had been in love. no, i KNOW it was. i never let my guard down, and with him... it just came so easy. complete comfort from the moment we met. that's incredibly rare for me.

so after we broke up, i decided to have myself a little "coming out" weekend. my re-entry into society, so to speak. well, i planned on meeting this guy and his best friend (who's a girl) at a show last night. we went and met and things were going well! we ended up going back to his place - the three of us. we talked for a long time, then she had to go. i told him i'd leave if he liked, he asked me to stay. so we sat there talking for a while and he made his move.

we kissed for the longest time, and he decided he was ready to move forward. i resisted. he kept on and we eventually ended up in his bed - his pants down, me completely clothed. things happened, and at around 3 am, i went home. when i left, things were fine. he was being really sweet and kissy and nice and huggy and all that stuff.

then today - nothing. he won't talk to me. i im'ed him this morning to tell him hi and everything as i felt a little awkward. he told me he was fine... and that was it. no other response from him. so i thought maybe he was just busy. i im'ed him again later and got NO response at all. evidently, he doesn't want anything to do with me. and i don't understand why!

he was another sweet one! he's really shy and softspoken and nice and polite etc etc. and i've managed to bring out the jerk in him. just like what happened with my ex. i don't understand what i'm doing or what i need to do or what i'm not doing.

i know they say that guys respect you less if you do anything sexual, blah blah blah... i resisted the BIG thing, and i'm still in trouble for it. as much as he pushed me, i resisted having sex. HOW in the heck can this be possible? how can guys push so hard, and then turn around and treat a girl like she's useless?

we didn't have sex, but we did other things, right? okay. he seemed fine with that. i just don't understand. i don't understand him, i don't understand my ex... i think it must be something wrong with me. i don't know how to fix it or what to do.

i just moved to this city, too... so i don't have any friends here yet to discuss these things with. and now i don't feel like going out for fear of this kind of thing happening again (something similar actually happened with two other guys when i VERY FIRST moved here, but i knew they were jerks, so i sort of expected it and it didn't bother me so much). i just don't know what to do now. i don't know how to fix all this or how to fix myself. i'm lost.

anyone have any advice to offer up? shed some light on these situations for me?

so this guy ruined my coming out weekend. now i've locked myself in my apartment which is the antithesis of what i was SUPPOSED to be doing tonight. ugh.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 11:40am

The problem here is that you are assuming that others have the same values as you do.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 11:45am

I certainly wouldn't want to date a man as hypocritical as that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2005
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 11:56am

"Prostitute" is a pretty strong word to be throwing about.

Your advice is well-intended, but I have to say that the way advice is given matters.

Being called stupid and a prostitute is no way to win me over or change my mind. I am not a robot-woman, who has one thing and one thing only - a relationship with a great guy - on my mind.

Sometimes I meet someone I like, or who I click with, and we end up going home with each other. I'm not saying that's something to shout from the rooftops, but it's my choice as well as his.

If he doesn't call back, maybe I'm a little bummed, but maybe I'm still a little happy, too. Maybe I'm just happy, because I didn't want to call him, either. Maybe I feel like I made a mistake.

Yes, maybe these emotions would be unnecessary turmoil if the sole goal of my life were to find Mr. Right, but it's not. To me, it's living, and right now, where we live, that's allowed.

I think afraidnotscared was just living, too, and she can now take your advice, hal, if she wants to, but I think it was rather unkind to imply that she, or any of us, are nothing but prostitutes who can't see the ten-foot sign in front of our eyes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 2:14pm

>Being called stupid and a prostitute is no
>way to win me over or change my mind.

Who said that you were either??? I don't have any problem or opinions with women who enjoy sex and one-night stands. My advice is aimed at women who sleep with men on the first date and then complain about not hearing from them again. I used the term "prostitute" to imply the way "one-night stand" men view women.

afraidnotscared asked what she was doing wrong which implies she ISN'T a one-night stand woman. Telling her that having sex early on with every man she meets is Ok because she may be lucky and meet someone that may be relationship material is misguided and wrong.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 2:16pm
Excellent points shy. I completely agree with you. I don't think that a woman should refrain from sex in x amount of dates or that there should be a time limit, it's a matter of what that woman is looking for and what she feels comfortable with. If she was sleeping with a guy too early on but didn't feel comfortable with it and was only doing it to appease him then that would be a cause for concern, but if her intentions were to sleep with him early on regardless of what the outcome will be because she wanted a little fun without any expectations then I don't see any harm in that. Some people are ok with that and it doesn't affect their self esteem, it's when it starts affecting thier self respect and self esteem that it becomes a problem. Personally, when I sleep with someone too early on I start feeling bad about myslef and doubting my decision so I just dont' do it but that's just me. I usually don't fully feel comfortable sleeping with someone until I have an emotional connection first. I have slept with guys too early on in the past and then regretted it later on but most of those men ended up sticking around anyway for a long term relationship. I've tried to put time limits on myslef such as one month, 3 months of dating etc etc but that never really is an indication of how ready I feel inside. For me it would probably be about 6 months (not a definate) of dating to where I was completely and honestly ready because that's usually about the time that I begin to really know someone for who they really are flaws and all.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 3:42pm

Honey,

There have been a few replies to your post, and some good points have been brought up. Here's my humble opinion on your predicament:

From your post, it sounds like you're a good woman who has a tender heart and looks for real relationships. For those 2 reasons alone, maybe these are the steps you should take:

i. Quit beating yourself up over what you did or did not do (in fact, you should be proud of yourself that you didn't have sex with him). Instead learn from these 2 examples and get a better understanding of YOURSELF, about what you can and can't handle. It sounds like you can get quite emotionally attached after physical activities, so do NOT get physical with any guy until you have spent some time with him and get to know whether he's a good guy or not. I completely disagree with the generalization that women should not set some timeline in their dating process because some women are just simply a lot more fragile than others, and setting some standards for themselves is a good way to avoid unnecessary heartbreaks. Being an emotional woman is not a bad or good thing - it's just a personality trait and rarely can you change that. In a nutshell, I think the best thing you can do now is to understand yourself and have a plan that will help you minimize the chances of being hurt.

ii. Assuming that my guess is right (i.e. you are an emotionally delicate person, particularly after physical activities), then as stated, you should delay doing these things until some time has passed no matter how attracted you're to a guy, especially after only 1 or 2 dates. It is because after 1 or 2 dates, there's no way to know if he's a good guy or not. He might be an extraordinary guy for all I know, but if he is, he WILL stick around whether or not you agree to sleep with him (I agree with those who say sex won't turn a good guy into bad or vice versa). So not taking your pants off right away will help you weed out the bad apples who are only interested in sex. The chances of running into a man who waits for 6 months before having sex with you and then taking off just for that reason are pretty slim. I don't really know what an ideal timeline should look exactly like, but this is what I try to force upon myself: I won't kiss a man until I've gone out with him at least till the 3rd formal date. I won't get naked (to fool around - not intercourse) until 2 months have passed and we're exclusive. And I won't have intercourse until I'm absolutely sure this is the man I'd want to spend the rest of my life with. I set this timetable not based on what I think the guys would think of me, but based on what's best for me, what I can handle. And I wholeheartedly believe the right guy will not run off just because of these standards.

iii. Outside of these sexual concerns (just set up those sexual standards and STICK to them), you need to work on other aspects of your life and be the best woman you can be (other character traits, career, education, hobbies etc.). The more confident you are as a well-rounded and well-grounded woman, the better guys you will attract. And then you won't even have to deal with these confusing and frustrating situations any more.

Sorry this post was long. I just hope it will help you a bit. You have done nothing wrong. You might have just walked on a path that wasn't right for you. So choose a different route and go from here. You will be fine.

Take care,
-icuryy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2006
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 4:15pm
I disagree, you do not have to wait to find love. I have alot of friends that had sex with the guy the first date and are happily married now. It ALL depends on what YOU want to do. Obviously, (the confused.lost) didn't feel confortable having sex with him and thats why he was pushing and made things weird. If you are feeling someone and you want to have sex then go ahead, but you need to put your guard up again, and be the one in charge. If you want too, then do it and if not then don't. Don't over think things, be like yeah I had sex with him and if he calls, he calls. It's hard to always be strong but you have to do it or you will always feel bad about yourself, because most men can make you feel bad about yourself, especially when they see weakness. Men are by nature strong and know only strength, show strength and be the one in charge of you and what choices you make.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2005
Tue, 06-06-2006 - 2:14am

It seems like we're all assuming that the only way we can be hurt by men is if we have sex with them. Even without sex, a guy can date you and then not call back. He can tell you beautiful things and then disappoint you. He can kiss you passionately and then lose interest, etc.

Is the hurt of these things 10 or 100 times greater if you've had sex with him? I think it actually isn't. I've had unrequited love (so not even a kiss) that's hurt more than losing some guys I've slept with. Love and sex and relationships can just be crappy sometimes, no matter what.

But I do get the idea of weeding out people by not having sex right away. Maybe it does spare some hurt, and maybe it's the most sensible thing, too. I'll admit that a few times I've allowed myself to jump in quickly, thinking it was highly romantic and that it was an indication of wonderful chemistry and things to come, and I was wrong.

But it was still good for the short time I lasted, and I don't really regret it.

Maybe, hal, I'll grow up, and preach it like you, but probably not just yet. It's good to hear everyone's opinions and see different views and ways of doing things. Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Tue, 06-06-2006 - 2:40am

>I have alot of friends that had sex with the guy
>the first date and are happily married now. It ALL
>depends on what YOU want to do.

There are always exceptions to the rule but that doesn't mean the rule is wrong or should be ignored. You have friends who married the guy they slept with on the first date. If they waited until the 3rd, 5th or X date before they had sex they would still have ended up married to these guys. It ALL depends on the guy, not what you want to do. How can what you want to do determine whether or not the guy marries you? By your reasoning I could say - Don't bother working because I know a lot of people who have won the lottery. It ALL depends on what you want to do.

I have many male friends who will say anything to a woman in order to get sex. I know men who can have sex with women even if they aren’t attracted to them. I know men who thrive on one-night stands. Why would a woman looking to get married want to have sex with these types of men? Tell me how you would minimise the chances of this happening?

I will reiterate: If you don’t mind having one-night stands along your journey to finding Mr Right then ignore my advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 06-06-2006 - 7:59am

If a man isn't looking for a woman who will sleep with him before date #x, then he shouldn't be trying to have sex with her. Period. He's there too, and saying that we as women are the only ones whose character is damaged for it is very demeaning. >>

Yes there is definitely a double standard which women have tried to fix by being as slutty as men. However - men expect nothing from a ONS - and women often seem to expect that they are going to get something out of a ONS - like a relationship. This is where the problem is. There have been no real advantages for women in being as slutty as men - all it has done has upped the abortion rate, created a lot of fatherless children and spread veneral disease even further. So, I am not a proponent of women being as slutty as men. I don't think it is good for women, or good for society. Iri