confused. lost.
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| Sat, 06-03-2006 - 10:06pm |
okay. i don't enjoy dating. not at all. i'd rather have it be casual hanging out as friends... things can build from there.
i ended up in a relationship with the most amazing person ever... so i thought. well, i still think he's the best thing ever, but anyway. i didn't want to get involved, but i ended up falling hard. we were making all these plans and things were going REALLY well. we never had an argument - no trouble whatsoever.
one day, he just ended it. "it's too hard," he told me. well, i was devastated. i actually think it was the first time i had been in love. no, i KNOW it was. i never let my guard down, and with him... it just came so easy. complete comfort from the moment we met. that's incredibly rare for me.
so after we broke up, i decided to have myself a little "coming out" weekend. my re-entry into society, so to speak. well, i planned on meeting this guy and his best friend (who's a girl) at a show last night. we went and met and things were going well! we ended up going back to his place - the three of us. we talked for a long time, then she had to go. i told him i'd leave if he liked, he asked me to stay. so we sat there talking for a while and he made his move.
we kissed for the longest time, and he decided he was ready to move forward. i resisted. he kept on and we eventually ended up in his bed - his pants down, me completely clothed. things happened, and at around 3 am, i went home. when i left, things were fine. he was being really sweet and kissy and nice and huggy and all that stuff.
then today - nothing. he won't talk to me. i im'ed him this morning to tell him hi and everything as i felt a little awkward. he told me he was fine... and that was it. no other response from him. so i thought maybe he was just busy. i im'ed him again later and got NO response at all. evidently, he doesn't want anything to do with me. and i don't understand why!
he was another sweet one! he's really shy and softspoken and nice and polite etc etc. and i've managed to bring out the jerk in him. just like what happened with my ex. i don't understand what i'm doing or what i need to do or what i'm not doing.
i know they say that guys respect you less if you do anything sexual, blah blah blah... i resisted the BIG thing, and i'm still in trouble for it. as much as he pushed me, i resisted having sex. HOW in the heck can this be possible? how can guys push so hard, and then turn around and treat a girl like she's useless?
we didn't have sex, but we did other things, right? okay. he seemed fine with that. i just don't understand. i don't understand him, i don't understand my ex... i think it must be something wrong with me. i don't know how to fix it or what to do.
i just moved to this city, too... so i don't have any friends here yet to discuss these things with. and now i don't feel like going out for fear of this kind of thing happening again (something similar actually happened with two other guys when i VERY FIRST moved here, but i knew they were jerks, so i sort of expected it and it didn't bother me so much). i just don't know what to do now. i don't know how to fix all this or how to fix myself. i'm lost.
anyone have any advice to offer up? shed some light on these situations for me?
so this guy ruined my coming out weekend. now i've locked myself in my apartment which is the antithesis of what i was SUPPOSED to be doing tonight. ugh.

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Things are really different here. For one, you do have to have an exclusivity talk and it varies fromperson to person on when you should have it.
That being said, though one friend did not have this talk before she had sex, 2 others were in exclusive relationships before they had sex at 3-4 months and soon afterwards, the guys lost interest and to off. So these are not always situations where they are sleeping around with other people. No one said anything about sex being a bargaining tool or a sign of caring. But we try to make sure that the person we are having sex with really cares about us. What determines the proof that the guy cared is individual and something between those parties. The sex was then allowed after they were led to beleive this guy did care and would be around.
They weren't and took off.
My question was if a guy that has chosen to be exclusive and shown all signs of caring previous to the sex has then taken off, how are we women suppose to distinguish or differentiate the really interested guys from the posers, fakers and flighters.
I cannot tell anymore.
Feisty, I have never dated more than one person at a time and have never encountered a man who wanted to date more than one person at a time.
Hmmm...I wonder if the timing of having sex in those examples wasn't just a coincidence. A lot of budding relationships end around the 3-4 month point, because that's around the time that the initial infatuation starts to fade and the "real" person starts to emerge, so incompatibilities start to become apparent around that point. I could see a guy starting to be less than 100% sure around that point, but hanging in there until he got sex and then saying to himself, "you know, this isn't really what I want after all". Not the most scrupulous behavior, but I can see it happening. I guess it's better than the guy *knowing* it's not what he wants but keeping it going just for the sex and companionship though!
Sheri
All true Sheri, I was just making the point that sometimes it doesn't matter if you have sex early on or wait later. If there is a real, lasting connection or it will last. If it isn't then at some point, things will sour but it is honestly very hard to tell what feelings are real, imagined or short-lived. Making it that much harder to read men and take actions based upon that.
I had a guy I was dating for a few months tell me he felt he could fall for me and that we had definite potential to be in a relationship. Three weeks later, he realized he was 'caught up in the moment' (not sex) and broke it off.
I just can't tell anymore what is real and what is not so real.
True, but for me, if it DOES end, it makes a HUGE difference if I've had sex with him only once (or not at all) or a bunch of times over the course of several months. I become much more bonded with men I've had sex with, so I'm going to be MUCH more emotionally attached and invested (and much more distraught if it ends) if I've slept with him especially if it's been more than once. So that's why I prefer to wait.
But yes, the only thing that *really* tells is time...and not just a few months, either. You can *reduce* the risk by taking your time, but you sure can't eliminate it.
Sheri
Carribgirl,
I don't quite understand your post or the argument you are putting forward.
I have said that some of male friends and aquaintances say that if a woman is prepared to sleep with them early in relationship that they may dismiss her as relationship material and conversely I said that if a man tries to sleep with me early in the relationship, I dismiss him as relationship material. Thus, it is not a DOUBLE STANDARD as I apply those standards to both men and women, it is a STANDARD that I live by. I never said I agree with men who apply these standards only to women.
I'm also not asking you to live by my STANDARD or for anyone else on this board to but I am simply putting forth my opinion. It is not gold, it is not definitive but it is still my opinion and thus it has value to me.
It's not about having sex per se. It's about sleeping with someone for the right reasons and taking responsibility for your actions. As I said previously, it not about obligating a man to become exclusive with you or using sex as a bargaining chip. Let me give you an example to demonstrate the type of person I am. I was chatting to my real estate agent who admittedly is a very good looking guy and financially successful. I've only met him twice and whilst we were emailing back and forth, he propositioned me over email. I took the whole thing as a joke as I couldn't believe someone would actually act in that way. I know that he has double standards as a person and he believes he can act in whatever way he chooses but I turned it around and openly told him that I liked my men selective, that he was easy and he lost his value to me so I'm not afraid to challenge people when they hold double standards.
At the end of the day, I can't change men's behaviour but I can look to trying to influence women around me. I don't prescribe to the popular 'all men are b@stards' theory but for every man who is a b@stard, there are nine out of women who have readily accepted that behaviour and that's why they think they can get away with it. I'm one of the nine women who won't.
Feisty
Edited 6/7/2006 10:04 pm ET by feisty01
Hi feisty,
Hmm ... well, the way I read what you were saying was that your male friends *will have sex* with a woman on the first date, and then trash her as "not relationship material" after having sex with her, when they themselves have engaged in the behavior they are
Cl-Shywon,
Thank you for clearing that up. It's hard for Australians to understand the complexities of the US dating world :-p
Feisty
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