confused/dating someone new

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
confused/dating someone new
6
Wed, 10-08-2003 - 9:04am
I'm 28 and newly divorced. I've only been dating my new man about 1 1/2 months now. He moved down to Florida from New York about 4 months ago planning to eventually get an apartment with some friends in a town a couple hours away. We met while he was waiting on those friends and have hit in off VERY well, I think. We see eachother about 4 or 5 times a week even to just hang out and watch TV.

Well now those friends are ready to get an apartment in a couple weeks. Since we've only been seeing eachother 1 1/2 months, how do i bring it up that i wonder what his intentions are about him still moving. Although i've never tried a semi-long distance relationship i'm scared that we will drift apart. Do i really even have the right to ask him if he's still moving? Obviously i dont' want him to go but i feel they are almost selfish reasons. He does have a job here for now and lives with relatives here. I also live with relatives and plan to move into my own apartment in a couple months.

How do i bring this up with out sounding like i assumed he was staying to see how WE worked out?

thanks for any advice this dating thing is so new to me.....

sara

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2003
Wed, 10-08-2003 - 10:23am
I think your predicament is a good "cautionary tale" about what NOT to do right after a divorce/break-up.

Since your man hasn't mentioned anything about The Future--even if it's just about TV nite after The Big Move--it sounds as if he was simply Living for The Moment. Nothing wrong w/that--it's just that the 2 of you are in different places in your respective lives right now. He was looking for a place to live and whammo, he found it AND a nice person to spend some time w/--how nice for him. You were looking for YOUR Next Big Deal; whether you found it in him, is open to speculation.

Since he's not made any plans that include you, I think it's safe to assume that none are extant. If you ask him, make sure you WANT to know; you may be asking a ? that's got an answer you may not like. Still, I've always contended that men, in general, are NOT shy--and if they want you, in whatever capacity, they'll let you know.

As hard as it'll be for you, you can either "force the issue" and ask him point blank what His Plans are, and if they include you--and brace yourself for The Truth. Or, you can play Passive Little Girl, sit by silently and hope/pray for the best.

I know what I would do--and that's something I've yet to encounter now, newly divorced--but I don't believe in sitting around and wondering. I'd ask, get it over w/, and proceed accordingly.

Most importantly, I would NOT have gotten involved so quickly after a major trauma like divorce. And next time--take a little extra time for YOURSELF, so that YOUR Next Big Deal will be a clearer picture than the out-of-focus photo this one seems to be.

Ash

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 10-08-2003 - 10:53am
OK so maybe i wasnt' completely clear about my realtionship with this man. He has talked about our future together. As recently as yesterday he was talking about findign a better job here in town, talked about his family to me saying "you'll meet them" and has been saving his money to move into his own place.

i realize my window of oportunity to ask his intentions past by me yesterday becuase i was so shocked that he may leave. I'm just going to have to bite the bullet and ask him what he plans to do so i'm left in limbo.

I've been separated from my ex for a year now but the court systems moves very slowly and i only recently got the offical papers. SO it's not like i ended things with my ex only months ago.

THanks for the advice

sara
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-08-2003 - 10:59am
First, I think you should wait at least a year after your divorce is final before getting involved and second I think you need to reduce the time you spend with him to once a week tops - sounds a lot like a rebound situation for you. After 6 weeks of dating, if he moves that is his entitlement as you said and as far as long distance, since you will be distancing yourself from him, emotionally and sexually over the next month or so, by the time he moves you will have a clearer idea about what to do - right now you are enmeshed and attached in more of a fantasy/infatuation way - you don't really know him - and since he is leaving the next 6 weeks won't be so "real" either - when he moves, why not see him casually - if he is interested he will come visit you - don't sleep with him - and see what develops slowly over time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2003
Wed, 10-08-2003 - 11:43am
I still feel you’re moving too fast. You’re not even legally “disengaged” yet, and that trauma, all by itself, takes its psychic toll on you.

It sounds to me like you see this man as someone who’ll save you from the heartache that the divorce will cause you anyway. You can run, but you can’t hide; sooner or later you’ll have to deal w/the pain of the eventual dissolution of the marriage, and then you’ve got to grieve that loss so you can get past it and move on w/your life.

Another man—whether it’s this one or whoever—will only provide a temporary band-aid for a boo-boo, when what you need is major surgery and a long period of convalescence. You wouldn’t put a cast on your arm and then run out and play football, would you? Your heart and emotions aren’t any different—and both require a goodly amount of time to heal before you can become fully functional again.

As for his “plans” for the future—until you actually Meet the Folks, and until he actually “finds a place there” and actually "gets a job there," words are cheap, etc. Besides, those few facts hardly constitute A Future—at least, they wouldn’t for me. I think you should “put on the brakes” and SLOW DOWN, before you have yet another heartbreak to contend w/. Anyway, have you stopped to think that it’s unfair to HIM that you’re getting so involved when legally you’re still a married woman? And perhaps that thought has also occurred to him as well—something ELSE you might want to ask him.

Ash

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 10-08-2003 - 11:47am

How do you bring it up?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 10-08-2003 - 11:58am
did i say i was still married? if i did it was a mistake. my ex has been out of my life, except for dealing with our son, for a year now. i have just recently gotten my final papers, meaning i am no longer married.

jsut wanted to clear that up....