Contradicting Advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Contradicting Advice
11
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 10:08am

So I was in Miami's South Beach over the weekend with 3 girlfriends and as single women do, the conversation turned to men, where are the good ones, how to get one and why are we still single and the conversation turned into an exchange of advice on how to get a man to desire you. But while everyone has their own advice and interpretations, I found that they all really contradict each other.

For instance, this is what I heard:
1) you have to make them chase you, play the rules game cause they want what they can't have
2) pursue them, go after them, then make then chase you
3) date up, as in date men who are more successful than you so they can take care of you
4) date down, if you don't below your "league" then they will apreciate you more and try and hold onto you
5) date on your level, never date below
6) let the man do all the calling
7) call him, what's the harm?
8) don't get mad if he's seeing other women, keep your options open too
9) if he still wants to explore other options after knowing you for awhile, dump him
10) be strong, independent and very busy, act like you don't need him
11) men like to feel wanted, let him know you need him for something

I mean play the game or don't play the game, that is all I ever hear yet by women who are all still single like me. And not only that, I have tried EVERY LAST ONE OF THOSE THINGS and none has lead to a relationship.

I truly believe that when a man is crazy about a woman, he will pursue it and there won't be any need for any games. I get so sick of hearig all these games and advice.

Anyone else?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2007
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 10:23am

oh man I totally get what you are saying! Pull him in - push him away! And in all honesty I think it's a case by case game! You read a man, you can figure out if he likes a challenge, YOU figure out if you like a man who is more interested in the challenge or just you! And you do this little dance... and then one day you both realize your heart is invested and you really like this person and you HAVE to be real, it may not be because you want to or believe it's the best thing but it just happens! I remember when my man and I stopped playing games and got real... it was the day I cried in front of him! It was also the day I slept with him the first time! That's neither here nor there. I just think it's truly a case by case situation. AND you get to decide if you're up for his game or if you want him to play YOUR game! :)

Fun stuff! UGH!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 10:33am
I just hate that there has to even be a game. I want to be able to say to a guy, Hey, I really like you without him running, getting scared or disappearing. I'd love for a guy to say it back, cause I could totally handle it whether I liked him or not. I just hate that this is pretty much worse than high school where everyone is afraid to admit their feelings or afraid of having them inthe first place.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2007
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 11:33am

I hear you! It's just that people progress differently. You may like him more and earlier in the "getting to know you" process than he likes you - not that he won't like you more alittle on down the road - but until he does... let's switch it up. Let's say you've met a guy that interests you but you're not salivating over... you enjoy his company and haven't quite "fallen" for him (as you might a month or two after knowing him) what if he said to you "I'm falling for you" wouldn't it kinda freak you out initially? Albeit, we women might find that flattering and it be the reason we do go on to fall for him a month or two later... but nonetheless... my point is - just the natural progression of things!

It sucks - I agree! But I do believe it's temporary. Once you find someone who is on a similar path that you're traveling - it won't be as awkward and you'll arrive at "honest" alot faster! I just know I use to tend to be attracted to those men that weren't even in the same playing league as me and I wondered - why can't he be serious... oh that's right because I was ATTRACTED to the players! :p

Hang in there - it just takes ONE chance encounter to be the last! :)

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 11:59am

I think the key is to find what works for YOU, what feels right to YOU, and go with that. Be consistent and you'll be more likely to find someone who is right for you. Someone who is right for you is going to be ok with whatever you do.

For instance, I know I need a partner who is assertive rather than passive, and who shows me strong interest. So I'm not likely to call new guys because I want to see them show their interest actively.

I also know that it takes time for me to feel I know someone reasonably well, and that I tend to get too caught up in one guy if I become exclusive too soon (whether by agreement or just by not dating others), so as a general rule, I like to keep dating other people for a while.

So these are not so much "rules" as what works for me. Give it some thought and figure out what works for you.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2006
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 1:53pm

ROFLMBO!!!
I hear ya!!! Not only am I sick of the games, but feeling like a piece of meat from their stares, or stupid lines. I do have a brain, soul and personality!!!

I agree with the other posters. I'm waiting and the right one will appear, I'm at the age now where I'm not settling for less than what I (or anyone) deserves!!

Amie Choiniere Office Manager~Mom~Domestic Goddess~Student~Wine Lover~Girlfriend~Gardener~Decorator~Vinyl Wall Lettering Queen!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 3:21pm

>>I truly believe that when a man is crazy about a woman, he will pursue it and there won't be any need for any games. I get so sick of hearig all these games and advice.<<

I think you summed up the best advice right there. I believe that as well, and I don't think there are any "rules." What works for one man won't work for another. At some point, it's a matter of the right combination of two people -- and there's no rulebook for that.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2007
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 9:02pm
I concur. I truly believe if a man has interest in a woman he will pursue her. Yes, there are some shy and timid man, but for the most part, I think the man should/would approach the woman. And like I always tell my friends, you can't keep a man who doesn't want to be kept.
Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 9:20pm

This is the very reason why I stopped asking for advice about relationship issues.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2005
Sat, 08-18-2007 - 12:39am

You should read "He's Just Not That Into You" by Greg Berendt. It's written by a man, so he should be an expert on what attracts men, right? I read it and it made me feel much better about my past relationships.
You should read the whole book, because it's great, but here's some of what the author had to say:

Don’t get tricked into asking him out. If he likes you, he’ll do the asking.
If you can find him, then he can find you. If he wants to find you, he will.
Men don’t forget how much they like you. So put down the phone.
You are good enough to be asked out.
If he’s not calling you, it’s because you are not on his mind.
If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn’t follow through on little things, he will do the same for big things. Be aware of this and realize that he’s okay with disappointing you.
Don’t be with someone who doesn’t do what they say they are going to do.
Better than nothing is not good enough for you!
Have faith. What other choice is there?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Sat, 08-18-2007 - 1:06am

I bought the book in 2005 and pretty much use it as a my rule book. In fact, I broke up with my last guy based on the advice in that book and decided not to tolerate any man that makes me feel like an afterthought.

Thanks!

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