could I have a reality check?
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| Thu, 08-02-2007 - 10:14am |
hi all - I asked for a shoulder to cry on about a week ago, because I asked my boyfriend where our relationship was going, he asked to think and talk later in person, and I felt we were headed for a breakup.
I knew the earliest I could have the talk with him would be next week. His contact to me has been slim, and it gave me time to feel angry, frustrated, sad, all that stuff that is felt in a breakup. It also gave me a bit of an objective look at our relationship, and the feeling that I want a more substantial relationship than the one we have managed to have so far. So basically, I was somewhat resolved to split up.
I suppose the problem lies in the "somewhat." From his recent calls to me, it seems apparent that he would be happy to just slip that "where are we going" conversation under the rug and go on with business as usual. That makes good sense for him, because I know he doesn't want to lose me, but I don't think he's prepared to answer the questions I asked, either.
I want to stand my ground, and have the talk, but it is getting more and more tempting to just push it under the rug. I enjoy him, and don't feel like losing his company. If I push it under the rug, I'll continue to have great sex in my life, someone who cares about me (if not quite as much as I want) and I won't have to weather the awful storm of emotions from the breakup.
I know what advice I would give to me if I weren't myself, but I just kind of need to hear it from someone else (preferably with a spoonful of sugar to help it go down :)). I've caved a lot to this guy, and old habits are hard to break...
Thanks so much for being so obliging and reading - any words would be greatly appreciated!

Only you can decide what is right for you. If having the companionship, sex, etc is more important to you right now than having a relationship that's going to lead to marriage (or whatever), then honor that. I've decided that's my priority right now in dating--finding someone fun and reliable to hang out with, without worrying about whether it's necessarily going to "go somewhere" and that's ok. But it's equally valid to want a serious LTR and/or marriage, and if you're really uncomfortable "stuffing" that desire, then that's not a situation you want to be in for very long.
Sheri
If you're deathly afraid of losing this guy for fear of being alone, then don't mention to him again. HOWEVER, if you ever want to get what you want, then you need to have your needs heard. Otherwise, you'll only be miserable because your needs are not being met. Don't stay with someone who's not meeting your needs for fear of being alone. If you rock the boat, and he decides he can't take the pressure and decides to bolt, then you'll know it wasn't meant to be.
But the decision is all yours.
I am very happy with this man, but there is this bug of yearning for something more that is coming up more and more. I mean, the relationship isn't pure happiness, of course. I guess it is something of a balance, looking at how heavy the happiness is compared to the drawbacks and unhappiness. I think my scales have been shifting, wobbling around just about to even happiness and frustration right now, which makes the decision difficult. I have a feeling that if I left now, it would be very very difficult, and all the happiness I left behind would weigh quite heavily on me. And yet I don't want to look back and feel that I have lost good opportunities while in relationship that wasn't leading where I hoped it would.
I appreciate your simple advice. It's hard for me to keep things simple, but I am keeping your words in mind!
hi Sheri,
It is really fun to have the companionship, sex, etc. without too many worries of the future. Sometimes I really love that, and I think this kind of relationship has some perks you just can't get anywhere else. In many ways it is lighter and more exciting than a really serious relationship would be. We don't have too much baggage, we don't argue, and since we don't see each other all the time, it makes our time together very exciting, playful and recharging.
But I've been having to "stuff" more and more, and I fear it's going to spell the end of this reverie. Maybe not right now - I guess it isn't terrible to stay with him, but I think it won't be too long before I can't stuff my desire for marriage anymore. I guess now I wonder if it will be harder to leave the longer I wait, or easier.
Are you dating my ex-boyfriend????? :-)
I'm guessing you might already know what my thoughts are from the responses I sent to your last post. Reading your posts bring back a lot of memories of a road I went down. Part of me wants to scream get out, run now, don't let someone else make you miserable.
But to be more level headed, I'll offer I don't know your entire situation, but it sounds like you know what you want, you have a pretty good feeling of the answer you will get, and from what you write, it seems like the two don't quite match. Settling may sound better than being alone, but is it better than the something fabulous that could be out there? (this coming from someone who rolls her eyes every single time the words "he's out there, you'll find him" come out of someone's mouth!)
I think that doing some soul-searching is a good idea in this case. You have the answers, you just need to dig for them a bit. Hugs and good luck to you. Decisions like these are never easy and take courage to face.