Crossing the line with married guy friends........

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2002
Crossing the line with married guy friends........
6
Mon, 01-21-2013 - 3:48pm

Hi,

I know my subject line may be misleading, but I guess I've really been thinking about guy friends I've had who've now gotten married.  I'm a realist.....I know that women don't generally like their boyfriends/husbands being friends with people from the past, but it's difficult because it may be a friend that you really cared about.

I had one really good friend in high school.......he did have a crush on me initially but we just became great friends.  We lost touch for a bit and I found out from him that he'd had been diagnosed with a very (treatable) form of cancer.  I also attended his wedding.......

Another guy.....we were neighbours and he was really interested in me, but I had just gotten out of a relationship and he had the bad ex/kids thing going on.  He actually met his current wife while we were hanging out and I went with him the first time they actually met.  I wasn't actually invited to their wedding......

I guess with the first example I think I could really keep in touch with the guy and hear about his familly, etc......unfortunately he doesn't want to be on fb.  His wife is on fb.......I was a little worried about him lately, worried about the cancer.....I sent his brother a message on fb (I also knew him) just saying hi, etc. and inquired about (his brother's health) - I frankly felt uncomfortable sending a message to his wife saying that I was concerned about him and his health - and didn't want to start a possible issue.  He was an amazing friend to me and I hate the idea of maybe something bad happening to him......

The second guy.........his wife is also friends with me on facebook and they often post pictures of their baby........super cute but somehow when I post responses I get the feeling it's a bad idea.....talked to him once on the phone while his wife/gf was out.........but he has been on fb chat while I'm on and won't respond......I guess some jealousy (?) issues going on there......

Here is the "I feel sorry for me part" lol......I guess that being single is hard enough, but if you have sincere intentions just to maintain a friendship with a guy, it seems that onces they get married it's really difficult......just to even say hi, etc.......

Thoughts?

Mel

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 01-21-2013 - 9:01pm

I have several married guy friends from high school that I'm friends with on Facebook.  I read their posts & comment sometimes--now of course nothing I say is in any way flirtatious.  Their wives aren't jealous at all.  A couple of them married women from high school so I also know their wives--one guy, for example, was in my class but his DW is a year younger, so I'm FB friends w/ him, but not her.  Some other guys married women I didn't know--I just think it depends on the individual person, their relationship w/ their DWs, etc.  I'd say that if everything is above board and there is no private communication and you're not trying to hide things from the DW, that it should be ok to communicate w/ them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2002
Tue, 01-22-2013 - 8:40am

Hey Music,

I definitely agree with you - if there's no ill intention, there should be no reason to hide communication.  In the case of my guy friend who had cancer, he just chooses not to be on fb, so if you really want to send a message, it has to be through either his wife or brother (I've met the wife before, outside of the wedding scenario and talked to her to pass a message on saying hi - this situation is no issue).

I guess I find that the other situation (former neighbour) is an issue.  Years ago (actually to the wedding mentioned above), I didn't have a date and this guy's gf agreed that he could go with me as a friend.  It all worked out well until we were driving home and he started hitting on me.  I basically told him he was being a goof and that he'd met the right girl for him - don't screw it up!!

Then something happened......I guess she has a lot of friends on fb and they were posting about their wedding invitations.....I commented that I didn't get one and all heck broke loose (maybe bad etiquette on my part....didn't care so much about the wedding, just that all her "hood" friends were bragging about it on fb in plain view of other people who may not have been invited).

Anyhow.......I have gotten together with the two of them and about a year ago him and I were going to get together - nothing fancy, just hanging out in his neighbourhood, getting his baby (and my dog) out for a walk to the park.  I guess then I got a call saying he had to wait until the wife got home from work and we would all get together.......

It's just a stupid situation.......clearly she doesn't want me alone with him (I have a feeling it's a lot more to do with him than me....he is a bit of a dog, which is also one of the reasons why I didn't want a relationship with him).  But it seems odd that if he is on fb chat and I try to respond it's all weird and he logs off......

Don't really care that much about the whole thing......I guess the communication now is an issue.  They both post actively on fb with pictures of their little one and he sends out (off colour) jokes on a regular basis.  Kind of wish I could cut ties with them both but then I would be the bad one for "unfriending" them on fb or telling him I don't appreciate his racist, sexist jokes.....

Anyhow, rant over!! lol.  I guess I've been struggling with that one for a while.......they clearly don't want anything to do with me and I am starting to feel the same but I don't want to be the aggressor by cutting off contact.......

Sorry this is so long!! Have been dealing with this one for a couple of years now........

Mel :)

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Tue, 01-22-2013 - 12:42pm

I'm pretty good at gauging who it's cool to contact and who it's best to wait and just let them contact me ;] 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2002
Tue, 01-22-2013 - 3:31pm

Hey,

Well I got a nice message back from my friend's brother.....inviting me over for dinner sometime and he said that his brother says hi and that he loves me (not in the traditional way - this guy was always just a great person).

With regard to the other friend, I feel like there is some kind of weird jealousy going on and I'm tired of seeing their posts on fb when it seems like they don't really want me to respond.  Is there a way of hiding the posts without unfriending them?? The guy also sends me crass and racist emails (via a group message)......which I could really do without!! lol.  Used to be a time when we would wish eachother happy birthday but that seems like a no no......or even to wish him a Merry Christmas on fb.......

M

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Tue, 01-22-2013 - 5:35pm
You can take someone out of your newsfeed. Just go to their page and it's under one of the options on the right hand side, below their cover photo. I can't remember what the button is called at the moment. I've removed lots of people from mine for various reasons- language, whining, bragging, or posting too many of those annoying quote-pictures.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2002
Wed, 01-23-2013 - 7:54am
Thanks Shy - I will check that out!!