crush on a married man

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2003
crush on a married man
5
Sun, 09-07-2003 - 4:45pm
I have bit of a problem that I hope you will help me with. I have been friends with this guy for about a year now. When we first started talking he and his wife had been seperated for almost two years. They have two young kids. We only went out once, because at the time I wasn't really sure that I wanted to date anyone. Since then, he and his wife have decided to try working things out because of the children. We don't talk as much as we used to, but we still care about what is going on in each others lives. Over the last year though, my feelings have changed for this guy. It may be one of those..I want him, now that I can't have him, things.

I'm hoping that somebody can give me some advice on how I can deal with this. Oh yeah, did I mention that we work together too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 09-07-2003 - 6:15pm
Ok, how would you feel if you were his wife? Not a good decision. Keep your hormones in check & find a single man or get another job....NOW!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2003
Mon, 09-08-2003 - 9:11am
Ah, yes...I was in love w/my own married man--at work, no less--and that obsession lasted 4 yrs. Even while I was at the altar last year, I found myself thinking about him.

My advice? MMs are like junk food: an occasional treat that tastes great, but not very filling and bad for you ultimately. Enjoy it as a crush, daydream if you must (you probably will anyway, no matter what we tell you), but DON'T take it any further than you already have.

Also, you don't mention what kind of work you do, but dating on the job--especially w/a man who's taken--won't do much for you professionally. And by and large, when office romances break up, it's the woman who either walks or wishes she had.

Look elsewhere, and leave this predator alone. I feel for his wife, even if he stays w/her; after all, he's already demonstrated to you that he's a liar and unfaithful. Is THAT what you want in a mate?

Ash

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-08-2003 - 9:58am
No contact - if you work with him keep it completely formal and business like - when you dated he was a married man - separated means "still married" - let him be with his wife and children and please don't interfere - just because you have a crush does not mean you act on it - he is not available to you and you need to show restraint, maturity, compassion and integrity so you can continue to like what you see in the mirror.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2003
Mon, 09-08-2003 - 5:14pm


I can sympathize because I, too, have a big crush on a married woman I work with--for over 3 years. She knows it and has warned me not to say anything too personal to her.I must be extremely careful nothing slips out and act as a casual acquaintance would. It is very hard because I have strong feelings, but have not or probably ever will go out with her. She wont even have a coffee with me.I dont see her that often, fortunately. I think she likes me but not in the same way. SHe is happily married and I have no chance at all! To keep her distance, she answers questions briefly and evasively sometimes and works hard all the time. I have no answer to your dilemma, sorry. Unrequitted really sucks and finding someone new doesnt always work; the cycle might continue. Sometimes I think about one aspect of her I do NOT like and that helps a bit.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-08-2003 - 6:43pm
Asking her to have coffee with you is very inappropriate IMHO. As far as indulging yoursef with unrequited love, that is probably about your reluctance to be in a true relationship - not about this woman you have no relationship with who you put on a pedestal - make healthier choices and please leave this person alone.