Curious

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Curious
6
Sun, 12-09-2012 - 3:00pm

What would you guys do if you had a friend who's clearly obsessed with someone?  What do you do when you've given them logical advice 'til you're blue in the face but they never take it?  What do you do when it's clear that all this person wants to do is recite inconsequential stories about this person over and over gain just so she can say his name? 

I obviously have someone in my life like this . . . this guy has completely disrespected her, gave her a VD (yes, thankfully it was treatable) and clearly wants nothing from her except sex.  She is absolutely in denial.  She thinks they have "a connection".  Since they've met, he's fathered a child, not by his estranged wife, and is now involved with yet another woman, who's married.  Clearly this guy has no character. 

She's joined his gym, and now she's going into business with him.  I'm kind of reaching my limit with discussing him but I don't want to do irreparable damage to our 10 year friendship.  I've already explained that I have no respect for this "man" whatsoever.  I don't really know why she keeps bringing him up.  It's very sad.  I've been there, kinda, but never to this extent.

What to do?  I should point out, that since the VD incident, she's had no physical interactions with him.  I told her the other day that listening to her talk was like hearing a story about a cat and a mouse.  She's the mouse and he's the cat.  She still doesn't get it.

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
In reply to: cfk_3
Tue, 12-18-2012 - 12:58pm

Thanks.  She hasn't brought him up in a couple of weeks, thank goodness.  I thought after the VD incident, she was over him.  I didn't hear his name for a couple of months.  Then, out of the blue, she's going into business with him(& clearly still fixated).  I have to learn to let go of what I have no control over.  I'm a passionate person so I get sucked in easily.  I need to learn to turn that switch off from time to time.  From now on, I'm just going to listen but with no input whatsoever.  She's pretty perceptive so she'll eventually figure it out. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
In reply to: cfk_3
Sun, 12-16-2012 - 8:04pm

This woman is in love with her fantasy of who this guy is. You need to tell her that you only listen because she's your friend but the guy is nobody to you as far as you're concerned he's scum. No skin off your nose really but if it bothers you (even after you tell her your honest opinion), you can just listen patiently. After she's done talking, you can 1) change the subject or 2) remind her how bad this guy really is. I had a couple of friend like that. One friend was not horrible. the other one was spine-slitterling pathetic. One time after he acidentally wrote her an email meant for another woman. She told me this sad story. After the story had the nerve to tell me: I told you this to teach you about this type of guy. I was totally offended. I had been telling her how delusional she was about this guy for the past two years.  So I told her I don't need her teaching b/c I was already onto him from the beginning. She was speechless.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
In reply to: cfk_3
Sun, 12-09-2012 - 6:00pm

You need to stop her when she starts. Don't let her get the sentence out. And keep on doing that.  It may just take you having to step back a little from the friendship if you want peace of mind. She seems unwilling to respect you on that point--I'm sure she can talk about him to others.

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
In reply to: cfk_3
Sun, 12-09-2012 - 3:23pm
Oh, I NEVER bring him up. He's a man-whore and she'll out of the blue, start telling me about all of his latest drama surrounding that and I'm like, why would I want to hear this . . . it's nauseating. He's a DOUCHE.
Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
In reply to: cfk_3
Sun, 12-09-2012 - 3:14pm
That sounds like my sister! She's come to her senses now and is dating someone new (seems like a good guy, too), but it took awhile. You really can't do or say anything. She's obviously making poor choices, but who knows her motivation. He's like a drug to her, and kicking that habit doesn't happen until she wants to.
Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
In reply to: cfk_3
Sun, 12-09-2012 - 3:11pm

 Avoid the topic of her lover.  A person obsessed is not rational(about that subject)  There is nothing you can do about her obsession.  Remember Adele Hugo?

dragowoman