damaged friendship - need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
damaged friendship - need advice
10
Tue, 03-14-2006 - 9:44am

I have a very dear friend. She knows me better than anyone. She has seen me at my lowest, and she knows most of what is in my head and in my heart. This is not a casual acquaintanceship.

This weekend she learned some very disturbing news about her teenage daughter. She is also having some serious relationship issues with her man. I have always told her I thought the two of them could make it through anything. Well, this weekend I had a talk with him, and I no longer believe that. He is a good guy, but he is struggling with the stresses of being a part of her life.

This weekend I was talking to my friend on the phone. She is so scared and sad. She asked me what I thought of her relationship. I wanted to be supportive, but I would not lie to her. I avoided the subject as much as possible. She kept saying, "You used to say we could get through anything." She repeated and repeated it. She was practically begging me to tell her that, but I no longer believe it. Finally, I said, "Maybe you guys need some time apart." I was trying to be as compassionate as humanly possible without lying to her. She said she didn't need to hear that and she hung-up on me.

I have e-mailed her and offered my friendship and support. I apologized for hurting her. I don't think I did anything wrong, but she said she doesn't know if she can ever forgive me. She has accused me of being selfish, but I was acting with her best interests in mind.

She is scared for her daughter's safety and health, and her relationship is in trouble. She wanted me to tell her everything will be fine, but I couldn't do it because I don't think it will be. Was that wrong? What should I have done? More importantly, what should I do now? I don't want to lose her friendship.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-14-2006 - 10:33am

I think you did the right thing FWIW. I personally don't want my friends to blow smoke, if you know what I mean...I want the truth of what they think, even if it's not what I want to hear.

I would send her an email letting her know you are there for her when she's ready to talk, and then leave it alone. Hopefully she will come around, but you can't force it.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Tue, 03-14-2006 - 11:22am

I have been through something similar with a friend recently.

I don't believe you did anything wrong - in fact, I think you acted out of concern and care for her. Sometimes it's difficult for people to hear the truth and, during crisis, people have to go through the grieving stages. The first stage is denial, and it sounds like she lives there right now. Once she gets through that stage, she will likely turn to friends like you for support.

In the long run, it will be better for her to face and accept the truth than have friends who serves as enablers for her and "blow smoke" as Sheri said.

Hang in there - some friendships wax and wane, but the strong ones make it through all those stages.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Tue, 03-14-2006 - 11:27am

I disagree with NWW to a point -

Sometimes when things are at meltdown, you really do just need to let friends know that things will get better eventually.

Then there are those times where you shouldn't try to blow smoke up their arses.

A good friend knows when to apply salve or tear the scab off.

From your brief description of what went down - it sounds like the focus on the daughter (if she still wants help/advice) needs to be a step by step solution finding mission - something a friend can certainly help with.

The BF thing sounds like hands off. There's no solution you can help with. If he's gonna walk or stay, nothing you say or do will impact that.

Is this currently long distance? You can't go to see her face to face? Don't give up on the phone calls and letters.

I can't say that anything you said or did was "wrong" because I'm sure it came from a place of love and concern. If the friendship is as important to her as it is to you, then she'll calm down and realize that.

Good luck.


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Tue, 03-14-2006 - 12:22pm

Well, she must be under an incredible amount of distress.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-14-2006 - 12:28pm

Now, see for me, someone bugging me constantly with phone calls/emails when I wasn't ready to talk to them would really aggravate me and make it less likely that I'd talk to them again anytime soon. I'd want them to respect me enough to leave me alone until I was ready to talk, so that's why I suggested that he let her know he was there for her, then leave it alone.

Of course everyone's different but he does run the risk that she would react negatively to being hounded (even if it was for positive reasons).

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Tue, 03-14-2006 - 12:39pm

I didn't say anything about hounding her or bugging her constantly.

If each of them waits for the other to call or write, the whole thing could fester and ruin a friendship.


Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-14-2006 - 1:00pm

Okay...then maybe I'm not understanding what you meant when you wrote something like "don't give up on the calls and letters" in the post I was responding to. To me, any more than one, *maybe* 2, contacts with someone who's not responding because you know they are upset with you would be "hounding" and it would make me more upset with them, not less.

And how is him sending an email saying call me when you're ready, I'm here for you waiting for her to make the first move? If I received an email like that I would understand that he was being respectful of me and that the ball was in my court to respond when I was ready.

Again, everyone's different, I'm just throwing out the possibility that her approach is more like mine than like yours and that contacting her more than 1-2 times without a response would do more harm than good, is all. It's just something for the OP to consider.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Tue, 03-14-2006 - 2:18pm

Thanks to all of you that offered your ideas, opinions, and reassurances. Last night, before I posted here, I wrote to my friend and told her I wanted nothing but the best for her. I said I was sorry she is in so much pain right now. I told her she is a good friend and a good parent, one which I hope to model my own parenting style after some day. I told her she deserves the best in life and I want her to be happy forever. I told her I would send good thoughts to her (she is 700 miles away) and that I would even pray for her, which is something I hardly ever do. Finally, I told her I would step aside for however long she needed, but I would be here for her at a moment's notice.

Still no word.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Tue, 03-14-2006 - 4:37pm

I think you did the right thing. My closest friends are people who believe in honesty, and while they always support me, they won't lie about what they really think. Which I really appreciate and value.

She's probably lashing out at you because she's hurting from the problems with her guy, and you're closer and easier to hurt. I'd send her one more email saying you're sorry she's hurting, that you love her and want the best for her, and that because you care for her you give her honest feedback. Then tell her that you will be there for her, she only needs to call.

Then I'd give her some time to work through her issues (with her daughter/man) and maybe call in a few weeks if she hasn't called you yet to see how she is doing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 03-14-2006 - 6:44pm
She asked for your opinion, you gave it to her and now she is mad because it was not what she wanted to hear. She sounds like a basket case. I think you should keep your distance for a while until she cools off and has time to think things through. Iri